I actually have lost ten pounds! Thanks to being female, I was retaining water like you would not believe. I got on the scale this morning and was a full pound and a half lighter than yesterday. 220 pounds!
Ten pounds in a month. I call that success. Yesterday I was really bummed out from the lack of progress, but today lent a whole new boost to my confidence. That is one thing about being female--you don't have steady weight loss. I was not taking that into consideration.
So, now that I have gotten to my next milestone what do I get? "The Witcher" video game! I purchased it a week ago but did not download it until I knew that I had hit my goal. I just need to make sure that playing the game does not interfere with my exercise. Next up is buying a movie (215lbs).
Mentally this gives me a kick in the rear to not give up hope. I got my second (and last) shipment of Nutrisystem food yesterday. This week I start eating real food supplemented by their food for when I don't want to cook. It is scary to go back to eating healthily without the regimented portions, but I know that I can do it, especially with the help of my handy dandy food scale. Eating out is going to be where it is hard, but I am pretty good at estimating portions.
I am not sure if I am going to keep up the six meals a day thing. I am guessing that I will reign it in to four or five meals depending on how I feel that day. Breakfast, lunch, (snack,) dinner, snack. We shall see. Since eating six meals a day involves eating mostly 200 calorie meals, with the exception of dinner which is 300 and night snack which is 100. It is easier to keep meals at around the 300 calorie mark for actual meal preparation.
220 pounds. It doesn't feel much different from 230. I picked up about ten pounds of groceries (really a gallon of milk--8.6 pounds) and felt how heavy that was in my hand. That is how much weight I have lost. That is how much weight is no longer on my knees, on my ankles, and on my mind. It really brought home the significance of what I have managed to accomplish.
I can do this. I have done this. I will do this. I can't wait till tomorrow when I step on the scale at the doctor's office and see the difference. My doc said that losing weight while on my meds was "incredibly difficult." I will show her that incredibly difficult does not mean impossible, just challenging. I can take that challenge.
220 pounds. Down from 230. Yes! Just take it a pound at a time. An inch at a time. A step at a time.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
Progress...I Guess
It has been a week since I last weighed in. I am down exactly one half of a pound. Blegh. I was hoping for something more... impressive. I probably should not have expected so much given the loss previously combined with my weight-gaining meds, but still, it stinks. To know that you are doing everything right, following instructions to the letter, exercising and eating right, all for a measly half pound.
On the other hand, I could have gained that half pound, or one pound, or more. I could gain back all that I started to lose. THAT would truly stink.
I have worked out every day, no breaks, including yesterday when weather started jerking me around, since the 11th of this month. I think that may be a record for me! Now when I say "work out" I am not talking about anything more than swimming and walking, but it is a great success for me. I feel better, mentally, when I have an outlet for all the pent up energy I get--manic or not. I hope that I will continue to get out and about--even for just a few minutes at a time.
I feel wrong. I feel off. I feel fed up with this stinking roller coaster. Whine, whine, complain. Moan, groan, etc. You get the idea.
So I will take my measly little half pound and hope that the coming weeks are a bit more impressive--or at least not gains.
On the other hand, I could have gained that half pound, or one pound, or more. I could gain back all that I started to lose. THAT would truly stink.
I have worked out every day, no breaks, including yesterday when weather started jerking me around, since the 11th of this month. I think that may be a record for me! Now when I say "work out" I am not talking about anything more than swimming and walking, but it is a great success for me. I feel better, mentally, when I have an outlet for all the pent up energy I get--manic or not. I hope that I will continue to get out and about--even for just a few minutes at a time.
I feel wrong. I feel off. I feel fed up with this stinking roller coaster. Whine, whine, complain. Moan, groan, etc. You get the idea.
So I will take my measly little half pound and hope that the coming weeks are a bit more impressive--or at least not gains.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
A Dog's Day
Dear Dog,
You went out last night, right before bed. Yet, at 4am you decide you need to go out for a breath of fresh air.
It is time to get up. You lay right in the middle of the floor, begging for pettins. I try not to fall over you.
Breakfast time. You are so awake that you are positively wiggling--trying to jiggle the food off of my plate.
Nap time. The snoring is unbearable. You need a doggie c-pap machine.
Lunch time. You are soooo hungry. Starved. Pay no attention to the bowl of dog food.
Nap time. You wake yourself up barking, scaring me in the process. Thank you very much.
AWAKE! Play. And play. And play. Take a break for a drink. Play.
Snuggle time. You insist on pettins. Head under my arm. Nose on the laptop. Failing that, you lay on my feet to make darn sure that I can't get up without you noticing.
A noise! Oh no! Barking galore. You have to scare off that big old trash machine, or the truck door that closed at the neighbor's house. I have to open the door to get you to shut up and realize there is no one at the door.
Dinner. Dog food? You don't need no stinking dog food. No, you want my dinner. Only in dad's world do you get food from a dinner plate. But yet you persist.
Walk time. I start to put on shoes and you start dancing. I pick up the leash and you start prancing. Off we go and you are lovin' it. Get home, get a drink, and pass out.
Sleep time. I'm busy. But it is 10pm, and you know that is the time that we go to bed. You want to go outside. But I'm busy. But you don't care. I put down the laptop and we actually get to bed on time.
The cycle of dog continues. You keep me sane, usually. You are my buddy, my pest, my entertainment.
So, dearest dog, thank you for being you. Now could we keep the barking down a little bit?
You went out last night, right before bed. Yet, at 4am you decide you need to go out for a breath of fresh air.
It is time to get up. You lay right in the middle of the floor, begging for pettins. I try not to fall over you.
Breakfast time. You are so awake that you are positively wiggling--trying to jiggle the food off of my plate.
Nap time. The snoring is unbearable. You need a doggie c-pap machine.
Lunch time. You are soooo hungry. Starved. Pay no attention to the bowl of dog food.
Nap time. You wake yourself up barking, scaring me in the process. Thank you very much.
AWAKE! Play. And play. And play. Take a break for a drink. Play.
Snuggle time. You insist on pettins. Head under my arm. Nose on the laptop. Failing that, you lay on my feet to make darn sure that I can't get up without you noticing.
A noise! Oh no! Barking galore. You have to scare off that big old trash machine, or the truck door that closed at the neighbor's house. I have to open the door to get you to shut up and realize there is no one at the door.
Dinner. Dog food? You don't need no stinking dog food. No, you want my dinner. Only in dad's world do you get food from a dinner plate. But yet you persist.
Walk time. I start to put on shoes and you start dancing. I pick up the leash and you start prancing. Off we go and you are lovin' it. Get home, get a drink, and pass out.
Sleep time. I'm busy. But it is 10pm, and you know that is the time that we go to bed. You want to go outside. But I'm busy. But you don't care. I put down the laptop and we actually get to bed on time.
The cycle of dog continues. You keep me sane, usually. You are my buddy, my pest, my entertainment.
So, dearest dog, thank you for being you. Now could we keep the barking down a little bit?
Saturday, July 23, 2016
The Book. The Doubt.
I am writing a book--even have most of it written. It is a sci-fi story about a distopian near future full of cyberware, drugs, and choices. About every one to two months I pick it up and start editing, start adding to it. It's a constant process and it is about time to start again. I also have a short story that I have been working on for almost as long as the book.
It's scary.
I read some sections and think, "Holy hell, this is great!" But normally the reaction I get is, "What the hell, why would anyone want to read this?" The self doubt is crazy. Brainz (with a z) on repeat saying, "You're not good enough. It's not good enough." Okay, so that last bit it true, for now.
But how do you know when it is good enough? Good enough to share with friends? Good enough to share with others? I don't know yet. I don't know that I ever will be positive.
So what now? Keep editing. Adjusting. Fiddling. Pushing till it works as best as I can. Which leads us back to questioning what I think is the best I can do. It never will be good enough in my eyes--of that I am sure. But if it never is, then how can I try publishing it? I can't.
Fear. Doubt, Insecurity. All these things are written into the pages. It doesn't matter if it is a short work or a full book, all those things are intertwined. Now I am trying to tease apart the emotions from the stories, but that can be dangerous and leave the writing cold and wanting. I need to figure out at what point it is really good enough. Not perfect. Good enough.
Till then, till I get to "good enough," I will keep at it and adjust as needed. Anyone know how to overcome the doubt? Not the immediate doubt--the necessary doubt to fix major issues--but the permanent doubt--the doubt that paralyzes perfectly good writing.
How do I overcome that?
It's scary.
I read some sections and think, "Holy hell, this is great!" But normally the reaction I get is, "What the hell, why would anyone want to read this?" The self doubt is crazy. Brainz (with a z) on repeat saying, "You're not good enough. It's not good enough." Okay, so that last bit it true, for now.
But how do you know when it is good enough? Good enough to share with friends? Good enough to share with others? I don't know yet. I don't know that I ever will be positive.
So what now? Keep editing. Adjusting. Fiddling. Pushing till it works as best as I can. Which leads us back to questioning what I think is the best I can do. It never will be good enough in my eyes--of that I am sure. But if it never is, then how can I try publishing it? I can't.
Fear. Doubt, Insecurity. All these things are written into the pages. It doesn't matter if it is a short work or a full book, all those things are intertwined. Now I am trying to tease apart the emotions from the stories, but that can be dangerous and leave the writing cold and wanting. I need to figure out at what point it is really good enough. Not perfect. Good enough.
Till then, till I get to "good enough," I will keep at it and adjust as needed. Anyone know how to overcome the doubt? Not the immediate doubt--the necessary doubt to fix major issues--but the permanent doubt--the doubt that paralyzes perfectly good writing.
How do I overcome that?
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Getting Things Done
Yesterday was busy. As in bordering-on-full-manic busy. In addition to the watering and grocery shopping I got a lot more done in the house; a lot more.
I did remember to eat, though sometimes it was much belated because I had just forgotten to go to the fridge or the "just one more thing" phenomenon hit. It didn't help that sometime that morning, after I had come in from the garden, I had a nice strong cup of tea. Since I haven't been drinking much caffeine lately, the one glass was enough to tip me into manic mode.
I started out itching to do something and read that an uncluttered kitchen makes you less likely to snack. To the kitchen! Now the room needed some love anyway as I have been sort of ignoring the growing pile of random stuff on one of my counters, but that was not the only thing I attacked. All the surfaces, all the counters, and all the appliances--including the stove, which tends to be the last thing cleaned. I even made a shrine of tea supplies (I do enjoy my tea) where it makes sense to put it rather than jumbled down by the stove.
There. One room down.
The bathroom was still a mess from all the tar that I had to clean off of the dog's paws a few days ago. Luckily, the tar does not stick too tightly to porcelain, but the tub liner down the center was looking like someone had been throwing mud balloons at it; very sticky mud balloons. I sprayed it down with baby oil and let it sit. Came back and scrubbed and washed it off. Hmm... not quite there yet. So I repeated the process. It looks great! Now if only I could get tar off of the rug.
Two (and a half?) rooms down.
Then there was the main living room, or what is standing in for the main room till the real living room is finished (long story). For the past few weeks I have been staying in one little area of the room where there is space to sit and park things like drinks and food. Bearing in mind that my carpet looks like someone threw four different colors of brown at the floor, lots of things can hide in it. For example: tar bits, dog nail clippings (which I added to yesterday), fur, more fur, dirt, crumbs, and yet more fur. I vacuumed it all up and did the workshop as well while I was already at it.
Three rooms down.
Then there were the tables. I was running out of room on my side table where I sit. I finally went through the mail, trash, and books on the two tables and found their surfaces (mostly). It is amazing how much can accumulate on a surface while you are too busy trying to do other things. In this case I had spent too much time in the real living room so this room became the drop station for "things I'll do later." Later finally came.
Two tables down.
Finally, I decided to take the dog for a walk once it cooled off a little. The walk was a little over a mile and a half--not much compared to some of my recent walks, but not bad either. I was amazed at how many people were gathered in one spot playing "Pokemon Go." Granted, I was one of the many who were staring at their phones, waiting for something to appear.
At least I have the dog to keep me aware of my surroundings (especially for things like skateboards, which, according to my dog, are the wheels of the devil). I also found many people with dogs who just weren't paying attention to how their pooches were behaving. There were two dogs that would have torn Link's throat out (well...they would have tried) had they gotten off leash. Others were just wandering about on a retractable leash, tripping whoever they walked up to. But I guess the owners didn't see anything wrong with the situation.
Walk down.
Finally, I forced myself to take a break and watch Netflix while I had a snack after dinner. The meds kicked in and I was no longer bouncing off the walls.
Yesterday: the day of Getting Things Done.
I did remember to eat, though sometimes it was much belated because I had just forgotten to go to the fridge or the "just one more thing" phenomenon hit. It didn't help that sometime that morning, after I had come in from the garden, I had a nice strong cup of tea. Since I haven't been drinking much caffeine lately, the one glass was enough to tip me into manic mode.
I started out itching to do something and read that an uncluttered kitchen makes you less likely to snack. To the kitchen! Now the room needed some love anyway as I have been sort of ignoring the growing pile of random stuff on one of my counters, but that was not the only thing I attacked. All the surfaces, all the counters, and all the appliances--including the stove, which tends to be the last thing cleaned. I even made a shrine of tea supplies (I do enjoy my tea) where it makes sense to put it rather than jumbled down by the stove.
There. One room down.
The bathroom was still a mess from all the tar that I had to clean off of the dog's paws a few days ago. Luckily, the tar does not stick too tightly to porcelain, but the tub liner down the center was looking like someone had been throwing mud balloons at it; very sticky mud balloons. I sprayed it down with baby oil and let it sit. Came back and scrubbed and washed it off. Hmm... not quite there yet. So I repeated the process. It looks great! Now if only I could get tar off of the rug.
Two (and a half?) rooms down.
Then there was the main living room, or what is standing in for the main room till the real living room is finished (long story). For the past few weeks I have been staying in one little area of the room where there is space to sit and park things like drinks and food. Bearing in mind that my carpet looks like someone threw four different colors of brown at the floor, lots of things can hide in it. For example: tar bits, dog nail clippings (which I added to yesterday), fur, more fur, dirt, crumbs, and yet more fur. I vacuumed it all up and did the workshop as well while I was already at it.
Three rooms down.
Then there were the tables. I was running out of room on my side table where I sit. I finally went through the mail, trash, and books on the two tables and found their surfaces (mostly). It is amazing how much can accumulate on a surface while you are too busy trying to do other things. In this case I had spent too much time in the real living room so this room became the drop station for "things I'll do later." Later finally came.
Two tables down.
Finally, I decided to take the dog for a walk once it cooled off a little. The walk was a little over a mile and a half--not much compared to some of my recent walks, but not bad either. I was amazed at how many people were gathered in one spot playing "Pokemon Go." Granted, I was one of the many who were staring at their phones, waiting for something to appear.
At least I have the dog to keep me aware of my surroundings (especially for things like skateboards, which, according to my dog, are the wheels of the devil). I also found many people with dogs who just weren't paying attention to how their pooches were behaving. There were two dogs that would have torn Link's throat out (well...they would have tried) had they gotten off leash. Others were just wandering about on a retractable leash, tripping whoever they walked up to. But I guess the owners didn't see anything wrong with the situation.
Walk down.
Finally, I forced myself to take a break and watch Netflix while I had a snack after dinner. The meds kicked in and I was no longer bouncing off the walls.
Yesterday: the day of Getting Things Done.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Looks Like Progress
I am three weeks into my weight loss journey (that's two weeks on Nutrisystem). I am at 222 pounds, eight pounds less than when I started, which isn't too shabby at all.
Apparently my clothes are fitting a little differently than before since two people have already commented that I was "looking like the weight loss is working." Now, that might have just been people being supportive, but I have started to notice a difference as well. My belly pooch is a little less pronounced. WIN!
On another note, the hypomania is still here, at least a little bit. I keep waking up before my alarm by about an hour (and actually getting up instead of laying there hoping for a few more winks). I also have been busying myself around the house and outside. I looked around my yard and noticed a few plants that were begging for water, so I turned on the hose and went at them.
The energy was not just spent on the yard. Yesterday I took an afternoon walk down on the college campus where there are trees for shade (and, let's face it, more Pokemon). Today I took a look at the kitchen and did a massive cleanup. My bathroom was a mess from when my dog got covered in tar and subsequently had to get the tar off his paws. The remaining tar got attacked with baby oil and scrubbed; twice. It now looks like nothing happened in there. (Now, if only I could fix the towels and rug that got tarred.)
On the diet end of things, hyper is good. I texted Nutrisystem that I was having trouble getting in all the food that I was supposed to be eating. They took a look at my plan and my activity level and we decided to lower the calorie count down to 1200-1499 calories per day. The customer service was excellent.
Today I went to the store to stock up on the week's veggies and dairy. For $20 I got all of the fresh stuff, and a pile of frozen stuff. Pretty easy to shop when the bulk of the food is paid for. One thing I will change when I am weaning off of the plan will be my fruit intake. Right now there are few options for carbs, outside of the prescribed meals. Once I start subbing in foods the fruits will increase considerably, as well venison. Why venison? Because my dad and I hunt so there is a freezer full of meat that needs used up by October, a.k.a hunting season. But that is for the upcoming transition.
So I can focus on eating every 2-3 hours as per the plan (and my blood sugar seems to like this as well) as well as eating lots of veggies. I am all vegged out for now--lunch had a giant three cup salad with tons of fixings.
For now I am content to sit in front of the computer and brush up on my editing work or watch Netflix. I know that a walk will happen today because I am still a little hyper, but swimming most certainly will not because I strained my shoulder cleaning the tub. But the walk will wait till it is less hot. Thanks for reading the ramblings!
Apparently my clothes are fitting a little differently than before since two people have already commented that I was "looking like the weight loss is working." Now, that might have just been people being supportive, but I have started to notice a difference as well. My belly pooch is a little less pronounced. WIN!
On another note, the hypomania is still here, at least a little bit. I keep waking up before my alarm by about an hour (and actually getting up instead of laying there hoping for a few more winks). I also have been busying myself around the house and outside. I looked around my yard and noticed a few plants that were begging for water, so I turned on the hose and went at them.
The energy was not just spent on the yard. Yesterday I took an afternoon walk down on the college campus where there are trees for shade (and, let's face it, more Pokemon). Today I took a look at the kitchen and did a massive cleanup. My bathroom was a mess from when my dog got covered in tar and subsequently had to get the tar off his paws. The remaining tar got attacked with baby oil and scrubbed; twice. It now looks like nothing happened in there. (Now, if only I could fix the towels and rug that got tarred.)
On the diet end of things, hyper is good. I texted Nutrisystem that I was having trouble getting in all the food that I was supposed to be eating. They took a look at my plan and my activity level and we decided to lower the calorie count down to 1200-1499 calories per day. The customer service was excellent.
Today I went to the store to stock up on the week's veggies and dairy. For $20 I got all of the fresh stuff, and a pile of frozen stuff. Pretty easy to shop when the bulk of the food is paid for. One thing I will change when I am weaning off of the plan will be my fruit intake. Right now there are few options for carbs, outside of the prescribed meals. Once I start subbing in foods the fruits will increase considerably, as well venison. Why venison? Because my dad and I hunt so there is a freezer full of meat that needs used up by October, a.k.a hunting season. But that is for the upcoming transition.
So I can focus on eating every 2-3 hours as per the plan (and my blood sugar seems to like this as well) as well as eating lots of veggies. I am all vegged out for now--lunch had a giant three cup salad with tons of fixings.
For now I am content to sit in front of the computer and brush up on my editing work or watch Netflix. I know that a walk will happen today because I am still a little hyper, but swimming most certainly will not because I strained my shoulder cleaning the tub. But the walk will wait till it is less hot. Thanks for reading the ramblings!
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Brainz vs. Brains
Brainz.
Definition: Noun. Derivative of "brains." Of or having to do with destructive thought patterns, i.e. "Brainz were not cooperating today; they set the same doubt on repeat."
Okay, while not an actual definition it is as close as I can come to explaining why I use the word. Right now brainz are mostly cooperating--they are back on the road to being plain ol' brains--at least somewhat. After yesterday's fun with brainz, I am piecing back together useful thoughts. Sleep is a wonderful healer.
Now that I am out of a mental high I just want to eat and sleep. So far I have managed to keep the eating under control, but the sleeping I have been giving in to--the lesser of two evils (weevils?).
One good thing was that I stepped on the scale this morning: 222. Another pound bites the dust. It was a nice little motivator for the day. Something to keep the brainz at bay.
So now what?
I eat. I sleep. I Netflix. I write.
So goes the day. It ain't great, but it sure isn't as bad as yesterday.
Moral of today: watch out for brainz--they can lead you into despair.
Definition: Noun. Derivative of "brains." Of or having to do with destructive thought patterns, i.e. "Brainz were not cooperating today; they set the same doubt on repeat."
Okay, while not an actual definition it is as close as I can come to explaining why I use the word. Right now brainz are mostly cooperating--they are back on the road to being plain ol' brains--at least somewhat. After yesterday's fun with brainz, I am piecing back together useful thoughts. Sleep is a wonderful healer.
Now that I am out of a mental high I just want to eat and sleep. So far I have managed to keep the eating under control, but the sleeping I have been giving in to--the lesser of two evils (weevils?).
One good thing was that I stepped on the scale this morning: 222. Another pound bites the dust. It was a nice little motivator for the day. Something to keep the brainz at bay.
So now what?
I eat. I sleep. I Netflix. I write.
So goes the day. It ain't great, but it sure isn't as bad as yesterday.
Moral of today: watch out for brainz--they can lead you into despair.
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