Rearin' to Go!

I still have nine days to go before I get out to my cabin in the woods. A lifetime in my brain. As I had some downtime today, I have been searching for hikes in the area outside of just the mesa out behind the cabin. I found three possibilities, taken down to two if there is any threat of rain at all as that last one is along a streambed (not likely to be on my docket). I'm really out of practice--as in no real exercise since the end of last year. I'm going to have to take it easy, at least until I can get a gage for how much endurance my body has lost.

As per usual, I am planning on making my vacation food-limiting to keep myself honest and on my nutrition. I have to make sure that I take extra, of course, just in case something happens, but I can make that something I would rather not eat on a whim. Unlike when I was near Ruidoso, I can't easily hop down to the well-stocked grocery store for midnight munchies! The closest tiny market is about 20 miles south of me--did I mention tiny? Not a terrible drive, but a definite encouragement to stick to home, with the exception of when I go south for hiking. Besides, being on this whole keto thing can make spur-of-the-moment munchies rather difficult. I think I still have my packing list from my last trip, so this should even be easy to get everything into the car without forgetting too much.

Speaking of that whole eating thing, I am losing around a pound a week pretty steadily now. If I average out from where I started to this week, it is almost exactly one a week. Not too darn shabby, if not how fast I was hoping for. I consider it consistent and safe at that. 203 right now, and on my way back down to where I was pre-plantar-fasciitis in January (194 if I recall correctly)

I'm not sure what is going to happen at work while I'm gone, but I'm sure they'll manage. Only my boss is allowed to call me on my vacation, and even then it had better be good. I'm planning on two calls over the week-ish time I'm there. Only time will tell.

On a completely different note: I have started a new book! A sequel to the monster-slaying fantasy book. I guess that it is time for me to get off my rear and just publish my first on Kindle and start some advertising somehow. The second one is being read (and boy is it more polished than the first one.) Completely different genre, but I learned a lot from the first one. The sequel is a good thing for me to keep busy, even if it never turns into a fully fledged book. already 8,000ish words in three sessions of typing. I am having fun coming up with ideas for monsters--and tapping my friends' brains for new monsters as well. But it is a great diversion to get me out of the house. It will also be something good to get me relaxed while out at the cabin. Writing just feels good.

But I guess that my break time is over and it is time to get back to that paying job instead of digital scribbles.

Scared *&^%less

Of what, you ask? Nothing much. Just words on a page. My own words on a page.  And sharing those words with other people. At the urging of a couple friends, I am once again looking into publishing my first book. I already paid to have it professionally edited (and that was pricy), so I have a head's up on some other competition. But it is a genre-bender. Cyber-punk meets Urban-fantasy--for those who know RPGs, this is where Shadowrun fits best. And that is a problem since when I tried before, nobody wanted to touch it. I even went directly to Shadowrun, knowing that there would have to be major overhauls of the story. They don't want unpublished writers.

Damn. I sure could use this button.

BUT

The Shadowrun people do often have openings for short stories and blurbs for their sourcebooks that I might qualify for and keep my writing going in that genre. After a good schooling in the current Shadowrun system and intricacies. Then there is the 2,000-word writing example hook to be submitted for review.

AND

The second book is ready for reading, and almost ready for professional editing. I have more tweaking that needs to happen, but that is what is keeping me focused for now. This one is a Young Adult Fantasy (that could be just simply lumped into Swords and Sorcery Fantasy) that is far from the first one on topic and characters. I have yet to find where I can market this one to.

Until something I reach out for magically works, I will just have to keep prodding agents and corporations until someone gets tired of me asking for attention.

How Many Changes Can I Cram Into One Week?

Let's see here, there's the new meds, there's the rug-pulling sugar cut, there's the hiking (in the mud I think). And hopefully sleep. The combo of meds and sugar-cutting should make for some interesting side-effects, but probably good for me in the long run. I know that the first day is the move-in day. Days 2-5 are all good things. Days 6 and 7 are worrying about going back to civilization. Day 8 is saying goodbye and all the depression that comes with it.

I have all my meals and snacks planned out as well as the hikes I would like to take and may or may not depending on situations out of my control. I am not taking sweets or ways to cook said sweets. I am even checking out a strange concoction called keto ketchup to see if I can save some sugar there as well since one of the nights is a hamburger patty. This diet isn't going to hold up at the parental units' house and is far from low-carb, just low-sugar, but I can at least follow it at my house when away from the landmine field of goodies.

And then there's mud. We got 6 inches of snow in the city, though it all was melted by the end of the day. I am not sure if I will be fighting the remnants of the white stuff on my hikes, especially since there is supposed to be a little more moisture later in the week. One thing to consider is that there are supposed to be highs of 70. If I am going to go on a long hike it is going to have to be on Sunday or Monday since there is more moisture predicted for the week after that. Even if I can't hike, I can still work on the last edit of my second book before I send it off for a full and paid edit. The ending needs work and it needs tightening up as well. Something to do when I am not outside enjoying the scenery!

I woke up several times last night to let the dog out since he had an upset tummy. Apparently those times interrupted my sleep enough that I was dead to the world in the morning. I woke up at my usual 6:45 and got ready for work, then realized that I couldn't drive to work safely. Had to call in and say that I would be in late because of it. Talk about embarrassing. 

Also got a chip in Loki's windshield. Right in front of the EyeSight lane-minder. That means whole new glass. At least after last time's replacement I lowered my deductible since that thing is ridiculously expensive. Some cars are chick magnets. Loki is a chip magnet.

Of Weight, Hikes, and Work

 My Turtle Made a Friend

I'm having a nice trip to Starbucks to write and take a break from TV, dog, and people who need things. I didn't go home this last weekend due to being needed at work. Also have a meeting tonight as well, but it is the last one for a while. I like being able to get out of the house again. Till the next wave. *Sigh* This is the new normal, as it were. 

I apparently have some miscommunication between my mouth, my feet, and my waistline. It's been almost three months of gaining weight. Now I am back up to 215 from a low of 195 those months ago. This sucks. On top of that I haven't had the willpower to get off my arse and exercise. The combination of too much/unhealthy food plus lack of movement are becoming my downfall. I am back in larger pants and having trouble with hikes again--though admittedly the last hike was far more strenuous than previous ones. And it's not just a case of laziness. I am having to drag myself out of bed and Get Stuff Done every day, so something has to give. In this case the food and exercise was what gave in.

Maybe Saturday's hike can be a kickstart for the near future. Or not. I don't know. What I do know is that I still am in a funk and not really into moving or doing anything other than eating. At least I am back on getting emailed/texted work done in a timely manner (read: instantly rather than a day or more later). My coworkers were worried about me--definitely time to reevaluate my mental state. But they are all very understanding and interested in getting me back up and running and back to my normal useful self.

Speaking of work, we have our 71st annual St. Patrick's Day (Corned Beef and Cabbage) Celebration of Faith and Service. No dinner this year, like in past years due to Covid. That means only a week and a half till the event and DUN da DAH! two and a half till my vacation, and boy will that be good. There are no vacations between late October and mid-March. Too much happens during that time and this year I am not dropping all of my vacation time at the very last minute like last year. (Shameless plug: gscnm.org) Knowing that if I need to duck out of work early I can at the last minute takes off a load of stress from my shoulders. I just need to not use that privilege too much and run myself into trouble. Yay for understanding bosses! 

And that is the update for the time being. The tea is all gone, as is the coffee cake. Yes. I go to a coffee shop to have tea. Bite me. For some reason it is easier to write with ambient noise that doesn't affect me and I can focus on just typing. 

 Till next time: What gets you motivated?

Ability to Escape

The Traveling Buddy Hard at Work

I am cleared for a vacation after the whole annual hoopla from work calms down! I am so happy to have a job with paid leave, even for part time workers. And sick time for that matter. (Which I had to use this morning for a migraine. That sucked.) I have chosen a cabin in the middle-of-nowhere New Mexico, in general keeping with my past vacations, snow may or may not be included. Eight days of getting away from people, cooking tasty meals, hiking out the back door, and in general disturbing the elk with Link's whining. Surrounded on three sides by national forest, I can pretty much go wherever I please so long as I keep track of where I am going and how to get back home. Score! One thing that I do to take pity on work is keeping myself somewhere that has internet, if not cell coverage. It also means I have YouTube and Netflix for entertainment when I am not writing. Second benefit of my hermitage: COVID-19 free

On that. I have the second book almost ready for professional editing. This one is a monster slaying romp. I still need to tweak the end since it is rather abrupt, but other than that I am good to go. I think I will publish the first one digitally since it really isn't that good. Live and learn. And, oh, have I learned! This one wasn't written all at once though, so I will have to watch my tone to keep it consistent. Then to get a paid editor to take a look and check my timing as well since it takes place over several years. I have tried to condense it down to keep it moving, but that only has worked to a small extent. I am worried that it is too close to a currently popular tv show/game, but I wrote it before I ever heard of the characters! They are different though, I just don't know if it is going to be enough. Monster slaying with teacher/student in general is a common trope, so I don't foresee it being too much of a problem. Maybe a bonus because it is something that we already knows sells, unlike the last book that was a niche market!

Got Downtime?

    

 Walking and *gasp* Jogging!

I am putting the time I have on vacation toward making myself healthier. I have made it a point to get in exercise, especially in the morning since it is much cooler. Swimming one morning with granny-aerobics, the rest with walks and...gasp!...Jogging! I have been trying short bursts of jogging for a while but always end up with the dreaded shinsplints. Today I fought back. Jog till it really hurts. Walk till I can't feel it anymore. Rinse. Repeat. By the time I was done and 2.4 miles later I was able to jog till my endurance ran out instead of till I couldn't stand the pain. Success! (Mind you, that jogging was still only for short stints, but it was better than nothing.)

So I have that as a plus. In other times when I am not catching up on sleep I have been poking the second book with a digital red pen. I made it another round before leaving home, but I want to keep working on it since I have already found issues with the last run-through. If I have learned something from the last book it is that it will never be enough and I will have to shell out money for another round with someone who does this for a living. Lessons learned. But it won't stop me from wanting it as good as I can make it! This run's biggest focus: Time and Space. How long does it take to get from point A to point C and what season does that make it. Continuity--very useful.

By the by, traveling on 9/11 was a breeze. Very few people in the home airport and not insane people in Phoenix for the plane change. Uneventful is just how I like it. But now I think that it is time to down some meds and take a nap. Naps are good. Especially on vacations.

Just One More Page

"Just one more page" does not only affect readers, it affects writers just as much. I have been working extensively on my book, filling out the bones and finally doing more showing rather than telling (but not to the extreme). One chapter in particular reads at least twice as well as before! It gives me something to do other than focus on food. Unfortunately, it also distracts me from getting up and moving. Not so good for my diet. On the other hand, it does distract me from eating!

Last time I was on here I was battling the evil that was 200 pounds. Now I am within half a pound of 190! I can taste it...er...feel it. My eating has been all over the place. Some days I don't eat at all until after 8pm and then proceed to eat my day's worth of calories (but not over). Other days I graze till bedtime. I let my body dictate how and when I eat now, so long as I stay within my calories and am eating at least fairly healthily.

As of next month I am stopping the Nutrisystem. I can't justify the cost for okay food when now I can regulate myself pretty well and not feel like I need to go on a binge or have just one more bite. It has been very useful, but after forty pounds I think I can safely do this on my own again. I can always approximate the meals through the frozen goodies if I find myself having troubles with portions again. My food scale is also my friend.

I have been noticing that my shirts are all feeling different. I looked in the mirror and realized why: the are obviously too big now. It makes sense since I already went through one size of pants, so why wouldn't I go down a size (or two) in shirts? My old shirts that I saved from when I was headed up the scale don't really fit well--they seem to be too short for my frame. Maybe I just wore them that way before and never noticed it because that was just how they were made. Now I get to go out and spend a little money on buying some new shirts. Nothing fancy, just some more basic T-type shirts to tide me over till the next set of shirts in my pile fits. I hate shopping, but this is one time where I will happily shell out cash for clothes.

One good thing is that I am slowly getting off of an evil medicine that does two things to me that I hate: 1. It makes me groggy in the mornings. Extra help sleeping is good, but being a zombie is not. 2. It makes me ravenously hungry. I cannot wait to get off of this and be back to a semi-normal appetite! I have tried getting off of it in the past and couldn't quite make it. This time I am confident that I will at least be able to knock down the dose low enough to not cause me problems. Hopefully I will knock it out completely!

Now I think I will go back to poking around on the book, adding here, fixing there, screaming at myself for not seeing errors earlier, that type of thing. Keeping myself busy.

Why do I write? To feel.

Sometimes life is too slow, too numb. How do I fix that emptiness? My favorite method: writing.

For about a year and a half I have been slowly creating and editing a sci-fi/fantasy book that I hope to eventually publish. Now I know that publishing is highly unlikely, but it is something to strive for. I have lost count of how many times I have done complete edits of the book, but every time I read it I find more errors and things that need fixed/expanded.

With every round of editing I go through a cycle of emotions.
-begrudgingly starting, here we go again
-elation, isn't my writing great?
-rush of energy, who needs sleep?
-frustration, didn't I edit this before?
-anxiety, story lines too close to home
-hope, I can do this
-depression, I am a horrible writer
-acceptance, it is what it is

Why do I put myself through this? Good question. And I don't really know why except that I get extreme satisfaction that I got this far, whether or not it ever gets published. I wait at least a month before re-editing the book. Each time I find new things that I didn't even realize I wrote--call them Easter eggs if you will. I also find whole sections that I look at and realize, "I can do better." Those parts require serious editing and re-editing...which oftentimes makes the section worse than it started. Frustrating to say the least.

Eventually, I accept that the book is as good as I can make it for the time being and I hang it up for another month or so. The whole mental roller coaster is cathartic in a wonderful (and free) way.

Why do I write? To understand life, to make myself better, to feel something--anything--when life has grown too empty.

The Book. The Doubt.

I am writing a book--even have most of it written. It is a sci-fi story about a distopian near future full of cyberware, drugs, and choices. About every one to two months I pick it up and start editing, start adding to it. It's a constant process and it is about time to start again. I also have a short story that I have been working on for almost as long as the book.

It's scary.

I read some sections and think, "Holy hell, this is great!" But normally the reaction I get is, "What the hell, why would anyone want to read this?" The self doubt is crazy. Brainz (with a z) on repeat saying, "You're not good enough. It's not good enough." Okay, so that last bit it true, for now.

But how do you know when it is good enough? Good enough to share with friends? Good enough to share with others? I don't know yet. I don't know that I ever will be positive.

So what now? Keep editing. Adjusting. Fiddling. Pushing till it works as best as I can. Which leads us back to questioning what I think is the best I can do. It never will be good enough in my eyes--of that I am sure. But if it never is, then how can I try publishing it? I can't.

Fear. Doubt, Insecurity. All these things are written into the pages. It doesn't matter if it is a short work or a full book, all those things are intertwined. Now I am trying to tease apart the emotions from the stories, but that can be dangerous and leave the writing cold and wanting. I need to figure out at what point it is really good enough. Not perfect. Good enough.

Till then, till I get to "good enough," I will keep at it and adjust as needed. Anyone know how to overcome the doubt? Not the immediate doubt--the necessary doubt to fix major issues--but the permanent doubt--the doubt that paralyzes perfectly good writing.

How do I overcome that?