The Opposite of Shrinking

Since the beginning of the year I have been gradually been slipping back up. 175ish at my lowest up to 206 today. Stress has made it much worse over the last month, but that is no excuse for me eating that much. The out of town activity and plantar fasciitis has kept me out of the gym, so that isn't helping either. And I'm struggling. I was doing keto up until when I stopped in February. Travel pretty much sent me into a spiral of "I'll get back on it tomorrow" lapses. 

So now my body is getting bigger, my innards are constantly unhappy, and my joints are ticked off. One thing that I know can make a difference in the last two is getting off of the massive amounts of gluten and wheat in general that I eat. When my husband was still alive I was on a strict gluten-free diet to keep my innards calm. While that helps my gut, it also tends to lessen my eating out and binging on sweet carby goodness at work and gatherings without being as restrictive as keto. It is worth a shot since I already know how to work it.

I am thinking that the sheer amount of sugar and artificial sweeteners may be contributing to the gut upset. Cutting back on sugar and cutting the artificial ones out completely has helped I think, but there is still problems. No magic bullet so far. I am grasping at food straws. Something has to be a culprit to being chained to the bathroom. At least stevia and monk fruit drops shouldn't cause problems and are great for my morning tea. 

So I'm frustrated. A heck of a lot heavier, a heck of a lot more gut issues, and a heck of a lot of anger at myself for giving in to eating too much.

From one of those road trips

Memories of Beginnings

Just how did I meet my husband? I was clueless to his advances, despite his impressive skills at massage that he shared with me. So I remember well when I met him in my eyes. Not when I knew he had a Thing for me, just who he was. 

2010 Easter--not enough photos of both of us

Back in 2005 I was belly dancing, living on a good healthy diet, and walking everywhere on my college campus (which, admittedly, is small). So in short: I was built. I also was in a couple short acting skits that he was manning lights for. Cue the massages. In hindsight, a normal person would have taken this as being hit upon. Nope. Clueless. But I did look damn good in that cocktail dress I work for one of the skits.

One of my fellow actors invited us both to her house for a gathering which turned into more gatherings and a steady helping of bad movies, good company...and more of those sweet sweet massages.

But I was STILL clueless.

He asked me out once, but I turned him down as I was more focused on classes that were kicking my butt. (Calculus, I'm looking at you.) So we continued the gatherings and, unbeknownst to me, basically started going out with him on accident. Our first 'date' was actually instigated by one of the hosts of the gatherings much later on. At that point I realized that, no really, I was in a Relationship. Which confused me to no end since I never saw it coming. To be exact, I had never really been in a dedicated relationship before, so it was all new territory.

I have turned down quite a few people because I was an incorrigible flirt and had no intention of following through on the flirting. That is just how my friends and I played together. I still don't notice romantic/um...athletic attention, nor do I seek it out. I am quite happy to be a dog mom and ruler of my domain with no intention of changing that fact. Luckily my family is not pushing me to get married again or start up a relationship. They're fine with me as I am. 

But one thing I do miss is being more...I don't know...desirable? Yet I don't want the long-term attention, just a little encouragement that I have some attraction from the world. A push to my self-esteem as it were. And that is one reason that I am trying so hard, and sometimes stalling, at working toward a healthier me. Will I ever be in the shape I was when I was rock climbing, walking, belly dancing, and lifting weights? HAH! Nope. That's just too damn much work. But I want to see what I can do with what spoons I have. The gym workouts are happening. The damnable tendon damage and muscle use kicks in 48 hours post-exercising, but it will be worth it if it makes me stronger, more flexible, and--as a side effect--more toned. I want this for me, but there is that part of my mind that really wants it for, lets face it, attention. And I think that's perfectly fine so long as the other reasons come first.

Feast or Famine

Sometimes life tosses some serious feasting into your life. Read: The last week in September. Next up: Famine. Okay, so it is not exactly famine, but rather back to eating healthier. Feasting was the trip the week before last that landed me five pounds heavier AFTER allowing for water weight. Well, a week later of working on it and I have gotten rid of two of those pounds. My mental state is a little better knowing that I am making progress again. At the beginning of the year I was at my current weight--185. I made it all the way down to 173 in May and June and, thanks to a wonderful streak of exercise being brought to an end, it has all been uphill from there.

Back in the middle of the year my foot acted up enough that I was doing well to just walk across the parking lot, much less a mile or more. It landed me, ultimately, in an orthopedic walking boot for a couple weeks in September. After working my way back from that I am beginning to test the waters and trying to not make anything flare up again. I have been slow to put my toes in the water of exercise though. And my eating has been anything but healthy since June. 

I decided that it was my birthday month, I was the one who could do it, and it was time to fix the problem. I started to do that that this last week. Exercise didn't happen, but food control and portioning did. And that was enough to make a two-pound dent. Next up: continuing that and adding in exercise, even if only a little bit of it at a time. So back onto keto I go and I have my eyes on a new thing to try:

A gym membership that won't gather expensive dust.

This one would include a pool for when my joints are truly ticked and machines for a little bit of strength training. Maybe even, GASP!, a class or two since they are included in the monthly fee. That may even put in a bit of accountability to the whole thing. And my goal? Go once a week. Minimum, mind you, as more is encouraged. Just once a week instead of going out to eat. It should be just as good for my brainz as going out, but far healthier and cheaper. (Post-workout eating out damage is not included) On a secondary bonus there is a special going on for my birthday month...er...their anniversary of founding so the sign-on fee is pretty much waived. Happy Birthday to Me! My swimsuit set even still fits from the last time I was down at this weight (2018) so there is no outlay of time or money on the evil that is swimsuit shopping. (Having boobs may seem awesome, but apparel shopping is one area where they are most definitely a hindrance and not a feature.)

The Dark and Stormy Seas of Health

I can do this. I keep telling myself that I can and that I keep backsliding...except I haven't really. In 2020 I was 256.5 pounds and I have not seen that number since I started. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but most of those are due to physical ailments leading to mental ailments following closely behind. So I start once again. But not at 256.5. Not at 220. Or 200. 185.5 as of today. And how am I celebrating that? With a drink (a dark and stormy knockoff to be exact), carefully budgeted into my food for the day, knowing it will put me over where my calorie target is, but plenty near where I am comfortable with it being and knowing I have had the nutrition I need. And that's the key, moderation. And I am choosing to add rum into today's nutrition. Because I can. And if I don't splurge somewhere I will fall off the wagon in a hurry. So: rum.

Back to School

That's right, we're going back to school. Dog training time. This not-so-little pest has been gradually getting more crotchety, and hard-headed over the years and it is time that we both deal with that. His hearing is going and not just in the 'selective hearing' style where he could hear the fridge open but not a command to 'come'.  Time to figure out how to deal with that too.

He has earned himself a muzzle during class because he has bitten another dog (long ago, but he still would do it today, and I know it) and been aggressive toward people, especially tall men. We have had two classes so far, one day after the other since we are going to miss next week's meeting, and he is ahead of the curve so far. It is a basic obedience class, so he has things like lie and sit down pat. Stay is even good. Heeling and coming with distractions? Weeeeellll... we're getting back to those as the weeks of class go on.

He also earned himself some repeated correction since he already tried to intimidate another dog in the class. THAT is why he is in the novice class. I want to be able to have him pass by any dog on the path without having him over-guard me. He has, of course, got the women who run the class all eating out of his fuzzy paw (Within reason. They still are the bosses.). I wish there was a male teacher in the course to desensitize the pooch, but no luck. I will just have to start taking him to PetCo and such. Muzzle included. But not yet.

All ready to go in his day-glow car harness

In other news, I am having trouble with not gaining weight again. I had a small surge of motivation and told myself that THIS time would be my starting point again. Then my brain got down in the dumps but good. On top of that, one of my meds makes me hungry--ravenous is more like it--and I need a higher dose of it. But it works. The combo of brainz and meds means that life is going to be...interesting...for the next week and a half.

Mom and I are going to South Dakota to visit the grandparents, driving up late tonight after Mom gets off of work. It's going to be a long drive--13 hours-ish. And there are going to be so many traps to fall into for munchies. My goal, such as it is, is to just not gain any more weight. I want all the carbs. Specifically bread in all its forms. Even more specifically, biscuits and gravy. In large amounts. I am not looking forward to all the eating out. The drive is easy: only have healthy things to eat along the road. Eating out with family? Less easy and it is going to happen frequently. I'll manage. I'll manage. Just don't gain.

 

When Life Breaks, Fix It!

I fancy myself a little bit of a Jill-of-All-Trades. Plumbing is not one of those trades. Yesterday I found myself washing dishes and heard the distressing sound of water falling On things rather than Through pipes. What I saw when I opened the door was a soaked cabinet with almost all of its contents drenched. Now, it being a sink cabinet, hardly anything minded being doused, and a good half of it was nestled safely in the languishing dish rack I keep down there and not on the soaked cabinet floor. But I’m still on crutch/es and a big ol’ boot that restricts my movement and grace (what I have, that is). So, I emptied the cabinet and made sure everything was either wiped down or where it could dry before assessing the situation. There was evidence of where my lone mouse had set up shop many years ago along with a small trail of ants that had managed to survive the great culling from earlier this year. I didn’t clean the base of the cabinet because I was just out of spoons and my knees were killing me.

Lo and behold, the elbow pipe that connected to the sink drain had come loose.

Now I’m NOT a plumber. I can do some basics, but PVC piping is not one of them. Not a smidge. So, I put out a call on Facebook in distress on how to fix this when it was a Sunday, and no hardware stores were open. As it turned out, my loving brother-of-awesomeness helped me through the (two minute) fix. That was it. Two minutes. Maybe three if you count the creaking and cussing of me trying to get down to the sink level and back up again. And now everything is drying out completely for the next couple weekends before I jump the gun and end up with mold in there from putting things back on damp wood. No thank you. At least it was not a long-term leak with mold galore down there. I’ve had that happen in other houses and, man, is that a mess. And that was my plumbing crisis, lots of cussing and fretting all for a quick fix. I’ll take it.

And then there was the rest of the weekend, and fallout from the brain rollercoaster and body twisting while dealing with the sink.

I can get dumb and destructive. I stress. I hurt. I eat. Add in some sleepiness without tiredness and you have a masterclass recipe for self-destructive behavior. Such things as eating too much and sleeping too much or too little—or in my case going to bed way too late and waking up too late despite needing a regular schedule to stay something approaching sane. Heck, I threw caution to the wind and decided that it would be a good idea last week to just use the damnable CAM boot alone with no crutch at all for a day. Dumb AND destructive. I wondered why last Friday I still hurt when putting full pressure on the foot instead of blaming the sheer stupidity and lack of following directions. I focused on being good this weekend after that brief foray into dumb, with the exception of an unplanned house repair job. And it has been this way for a while.

But the rest of the ingredients from that recipe are still there and making life difficult for focusing on anything. Like I have probably said before, there is only so much willpower available for one person. When there is too much there to deal with, something—and probably several things—has to give. In this case it is eating (and general use, but that is a given with me as the first thing to go).

As some of you know, I’m following a keto diet and its been good for me and my health when I actually follow it, if nothing else than it keeps me out of the sweet treats. Yes, I know the drawbacks, and yes, I am willing to deal with them and stay with this long term. When I am at least staying on track carb-wise I don’t gain weight. I may not lose, but I don’t gain like I did earlier in the year and then have to take it all back off.  And I know how to do this. I stopped tracking what I ate a month ago. I didn’t always religiously track (though it does work better if I do), just so I could look back on earlier in the day and realize that I had in fact had enough food. I think it is time to get on that tracking train again since this stagnation is getting old. But I have been staying on the low carb aspect pretty darn well while not neglecting good things like veggies and fruits. And that is fine, but I am eating far too much. Only I can do something about that. I’m not sure I’m ready to act because I’m not sure I have the energy to do much more than make a valiant week-long effort followed by a spectacular and disheartening defeat. Been there. Done that. And right now I’m just holding on. 

I did a good thing for myself and went ahead with my platelet donation today at the cost of not being able to use one crutch—but I always feel better mentally afterward. (Call it a form of unintended self-sabotage as well.) And I just need to hold on for four days. Then a vacation starts that will hopefully be low-stress and easy on both the budget and waistline. Both things will require that oh-so-precious willpower and that may or may not break the spoon bank. Especially when physically taxed and already going into this mentally taxed. We shall see. Wish me luck!

Boot. Not appreciated.

I hate going shoe shopping. Usually it involves great frustration and a large chunk of change. Not lately. I've been in a couple pairs of hiking boots and special insoles for the past...many many moons. I have been having trouble with my foot for a long time. It wasn't getting better with all the doc's suggestions. So I went back, complete with new x-rays. I have a ton of small fractures in three metatarsals. His suggestion: a boot for 14 days. I am not amused. But it does keep my foot from flexing as painfully. At least it is on my left foot so I can still drive! I asked since I had a cane if that would help with my balance on the blasted boot. Doc said yes, so one of my beloved/hated devices is getting some use. And it's only two weeks.

Just after those two weeks I have a vacation planned. A vacation where I was hoping that I could get out and go hiking, since there are lots of nearby trails, both hard and easy. I may still do one of the easy one for short hikes to get me back into moving and to get the dog tired a bit. Probably not a good idea. So it goes. I may end up eating my way through the town. Not good for my figure.

Not. Amused

On that, I have gained ten pounds over the last three months and I am not amused. I am the only one to blame, but I am getting depressed because of that and a host of other happenings. I tried to blame my feet on my weight, but the doc reminded me that I have gotten this AFTER I lost a bunch of weight. Yes, it can be made worse with extra weight, but that is not a likely cause. The RA is (and some congenital issues). The gift that keeps on giving. 

And to add to the fun, I am losing my Medicaid. This is a problem. I cannot afford my meds and specialists on other plans. The state flubbed a calculation, so there is a hope for me. I re-applied today. My current coverage ends the 31st. They said that it can take 45 days to get back to me. This is not ideal. Not ideal at all. So I have done what I can. I am in a waiting period where all I can do now is fret and stew. Same with the foot. Fret, stew, and cuss. Other things, fret, stew, cuss, and cry.

So now I am rather insane. I have done what I can to rectify situations I have control over. Other things just...suck. I'm crying again for small infractions. Including in the doc's office, which completely confused the doc and PA in the room. Wonderful PA grabbed me a tissue and assured me that it was okay. I need to remind myself that it is okay for me to deal with emotions, whatever those are. 

So now I am going to let the world go by and play some Zelda--Tears of the Kingdom on the big screen. Putting cartoon Link always makes me feel better...well...unless I am repeatedly getting slain.

Leaking at the Seams

I'm like a leaky bucket. My brains keep leaking out while stress keeps pouring in. I normally keep work out of this, but let me just say that, as a non-profit worker in administration the end of the year brings LOTS of tax work. And our main event for the year is in March, so about the time the taxes calm down, the advertising and people wrangling ramps up. 

In short: I'm so ready for the vacation I have scheduled for April.

Wrangling two customer service organizations, a handyman, and emergency computer support is slowly unraveling my brain. But it's the end of my workweek, and boy am I ready for a break. Last week? Silence and not much work. This week? Yeesh. But I do need to feel needed from day to day. And I am.

A Good Thing I noticed recently is that I can drive into tight-ish parking spots and manage to wriggle out without endangering other cars! This is an awesome development!  On that good news, despite sabotaging myself food wise and only sporadically walking, I managed to lose weight over this week. Maybe paying less attention to what I am eating can cause acceptable results. This is counter to my wiring of tracking everything during the day. Now I know I have a little wiggle room and still can have the desired results. I like that.

This is the pup pre-winter

The dog is still healing, but he wants to play tug sooo bad. That is one thing that he may no longer be able to do. I need to call the vet tomorrow and give her an update on his condition. He even isn't being overly sore when getting up from a dead sleep and he is managing stairs as well as he was pre-injury (read: gimpily because of lack of ligaments in his back legs.). Looks like he may be able to jump onto Dad's lap sometime in the near future. Dog and Dad are in a game of seeing who can block/bypass an attempted leap onto the chair. Dog still hasn't figured out that it isn't allowed because he occasionally wins the game and ends up with a lap. Variable wins equal good conditioning.

But now I think I have other things to do, much as I would rather just sit and slouch. But I'll do the necessary thing.

Life is...

Strange. I have a mix of feeling that lead me to believe that I am in a pretty good space right now. That's a scary thought. It's something that I hesitate to type. But I'm going to, since it is a good thing to focus on the good sometimes.

I also found this pretty birdie. Meep! Meep!

I have plantar faciitis. I also have a freaking great podiatrist who is working me through getting rid of the dang problems. Two shots and a pair of crutches to get around and it should be getting better soon. I even had the forearm crutches from long ago when my arthritis was kicking up bad. Going to be able to walk (hopefully) by Monday, once the steroid crystals go away. Healing is a good thing.

My pooch has a (mostly) clean bill of health and clean teeth. The lump on his foot was benign. And, even though he had a seizure while he was under anesthesia, it was not something more serious. Link is even getting most of the time during the day outside of his Cone of Shame! (He's most happy about being able to play ball now.)

It's been a little over four weeks and I have lost 13.5 pounds. That's pretty impressive for someone who is on two meds that can cause weight gain. First week of shedding? Water. After that? Score! I'm focusing on not going overboard so that it is sustainable and safe. 13.5. Huh. After the foot is fixed I can get back into walking again. Maybe strength training, which I haven't done in years!

My 13th anniversary of my wedding was earlier this month. There was some sadness, as is to be expected, but most of it was looking back at a happy time. Five years we had, and most of it was spent well. Good times.

Finally, I have good friends. I may not see them for months at a time, but I still love them.

But now it is time to find something to eat that is healthier than cookies. I have a full pantry and yet don't want to cook. So many things like that to be thankful for. But I really should come up with dinner other than southwest eggs.

Discovery? Maybe?

Monsoons = Inflammation   

Way back in 2007-2013 I had to modify my diet to eat gluten free to keep my guts happy and useful. Having a short tether to a bathroom really is no fun. Not celiac, just intolerance. At the time my rheumatoid arthritis was kicking up a storm as well and my stress level was through the roof from dealing with Jason's terminal illness. It was a perfect storm of inflammation that let up only late in 2013 once that stress level had gone down. The RA mostly subsided and a trial run of fresh croissants led me to test the waters and eventually plunge back into the world of gluten.

Fast forward to 2022 and a surgery for gallstones. That tether to a bathroom was back and it had shortened the leash. "It'll just go away." "Tough it out." Yeah. Nothing was working and it appeared that there was no light at the tunnel. This amped up the stress because that makes hikes and walks difficult (not to mention simple life things like shopping) knowing that at any moment my body may decide that it's time to be rid of stuff...often at inopportune moments.

Last week I started a low-carb, medium-fat/protein diet which inadvertently cut out gluten and most large sources of sugars. Other than that little misstep with eating an entire cantaloupe at one sitting (uh. oops.), my innards have been cooperating. It took my mother pointing out the correlation out to me. Also my RA has been kicking up, adding to the inflammation, but I wasn't sure whether to link that to true RA flaring thanks to extra monsoon weather or to some other source of ouch. I haven't had a flare since 2019 and I went off all of the RA meds since 2020...hoping that this doesn't go full-blown, but I have meds in case it does.

So here is the magic question: What gives with the cooperating innards? Gluten? General sugars? Different body outlook? Correlation does not always equal causation.

Next question: Will the healthier eating affect the RA/other joint pain issues? Not sure what oral steroids might do to me, but it may be time for the RA .Hoping that the dietary changes might calm the plantar fasciitis a bit too from less inflammation in general, or even if only from there being less of me to schlep around. 

Now it is time to think about which munchies I want for lunch. I bought a selection of goodies to keep at work and I am slowly picking my way through them to try a little bit of each. Best so far? The feta stuffed olives. NOM!

Another New Beginning

Holy Crap. My Boss Cares.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to get back on the journey to get healthier. I packed a healthy lunch and avoided the loved/dreaded on-campus lunch (flame-grilled giant hamburgers and cake to be exact). Shortly after lunch--and an exploding printer ink cartridge--my boss talked to me and somehow managed to bring up the topic of health very, very gently. It is pretty darn obvious that I have gained 50 pounds over the last six months after slowly shrinking for over a year. He asked if I had been getting sleep (still tired from COVID, so yes), mental rest (yes, I am good at that when anxiety isn't interfering), and snuck in a question about if I had seen a nutritionist (ding ding! There it goes!). Now, I somehow didn't get offended. It felt like concern rather than chiding. Yes, I am getting paid for a transaction of service, but he was honestly concerned for my wellbeing.

So. Yeah. I was glad that I already had started my new endeavor or I probably would have shut down and been an anxious and teary mess. But he knew that I had started, so he may have found an in for the conversation. As it was, I just felt...cared for? Yeah, that's the best word I can come up with.

In other news: Soaking Rain. It has pretty much stopped now, but we had a soaking rain overnight that was slow enough to not trigger flash floods or slides in the burn scars around the state. And it's only supposed to reach 75 today. A far cry from the 100s a week and a half ago! Welcome, monsoon! Please stick around and fill the soil and reservoirs, please. It does mean that I got to dig out a shirt that I only got to wear a couple times earlier in the year before the weather got too hot. It is snug now (*sigh*) but still fits and is cute. It's also warmer than my sleeveless dresses that I usually wear over my basic pants--wind means I don't wear them alone...and my blindingly white legs that nobody wants to see, including me.

Sleepy Snuggles from Over the Weekend

The dog is going into withdrawal since Dad left the state on another jaunt. REALLY clingy. I even let him up on my lap yesterday since he was so attached to me and needy. He also was pretty sore, despite wanting to play tug. So I gave him pain meds and let him snooze on my chest. And snore. Good Lord, the snores. But after that he was quite happy to lay on his own couch and snooze/snore and rumble Mom's chair, so I must have fulfilled his need for touch. And it was nice for me as well.

It is that time.

I think we passed spring already. Summer is here.

Complete with 90 degree days and full-bloom roses! Thank heavens that I have a window AC unit in my office or I would be a sweaty mess come 3pm. That rose? From work. The gardener gave me a choice of which one I wanted and I went with the big open one instead of the young one. I wanted instant floral gratification. So my little hedgehog has a hat.

I haven't managed to gain any more weight over the last one/two weeks, though not for lack of trying with how I have been eating! Time to get back to at least being mindful of when I am hungry, even if I immediately give in to the hunger/horrible munchies.

In other news, it is a good thing that I have copies of all my important documents stashed either in my house or in the safety deposit box. Yesterday I...um...threw away my driver's license. Yup. In the trash with the little paper holder banks use to give you your money in. I grabbed the cash but not the card. And the trash can was empty when I went back to try and snag it. So I drove the 90 minutes home to get the data I needed to buy a new license, then yesterday picked up my passport just to be safe if people get persnickety about accepting the printed-out temporary license.

All that means that I had to work today (and am taking my break) instead of yesterday--with an awesome boss who let me get what needed done finished on my normal day in the office. But on that note, time to get back to business!

Trepidation

I have two things happening over the next week that have me freaking out majorly, like, panic attack freak. The first is that I am braving the cold with my mother to drive up to my grandparents. They are...difficult. To say the least. But at 87 and 90 they are pretty set in their ways at this point. We don't share much along the lines of politics and (unbeknownst to them) religion. I love them dearly, but I dread spending more than a day with them because lots of feelings get hurt on all sides and snide comments attack both Mom and me on a regular basis. But I love them and it means that I can keep them from trying to drive 800 miles down to see us here and kill themselves or someone else on their way (reference ages and add frail health).

Number two is self-inflicted with the idea to help both my mother and myself and scares the living crap out of me. That would be endeavoring on a ketogenic diet (with mine as only a maybe since my meds may cause troubles with it), or something near it (if there are problems). Mom initiated this journey through prodding from her healthcare provider with a free keto monitoring and support package. I'm on board if it makes us healthy and helps out her at the same time, though without the strict medical guidance. I'm comfortable on my side since I am familiar with the diet from when I was helping Jason with the diet long ago. I did a modified version for me then. Dad's not really sure what he is in for, but we are going to try to make meals that we all can eat with modifications. It's going to be difficult with all the added pitfalls around the house like dried fruit and candy around. Heck. The bread. The blasted real bread is going to be my downfall if I am not careful. I'm planning on picking up some of the fake keto stuff just to keep myself sane. And then there's cereal that will be back in the house. Those two things, bread and cereal, are the bane of my dietary health. Going low-carb should put a damper on many of the things I would normally nosh on.

So I'm a little over my head on the keto thing and I'm not sure how long either of us are going to last. When one of us falls, the other is likely to crumble. With our stubbornness we are likely to prod each other into keeping at it for at least a while. I am hoping that, after the initial withdrawal, things go smoothly without too many slip-ups. I am going to miss the cinnamon rolls and fresh treats terribly. She can't have fake sugars, but doesn't usually crave sweets so she should be fine on that route. Me? I'm going to be relying on some extra supermarket help for my sanity. I'm going to keep it real food, but I need my sweet tooth cradled from time to time. Yeah, yeah, I know that having fake-sweetened food is supposedly a bad idea, but I am going to need it, especially at first.

So there you have it: TLDR: Going to visit cranky grandparents (with Mom). Starting a new diet (with Mom).

Did I Learn Nothing?

Last week was breaking myself from sugars. Yesterday when I got back into Albuquerque I fell right back into the same carby pattern. I'm just... Disappointed.

I lost three pounds last week. I'm sure I'll put that right back on if I'm not careful. Hell, today's lunch was a hamburger and onion rings. At least I got a no-calorie drink and only ate half of the bun. But still. *Sigh* 

Also, Link now knows the word "hike." 

On a good note, I bought a pair of hiking boots--the same brand and model I have been wearing for over a decade, Merrells--and bought a different size since it's been a while since I have been fitted. They fit really well in the store. Then I went on a two mile hike today over varied terrain. Toes were scrunched slightly. Thank goodness I bought them from REI since I can take them back with no penalty. But I got in the hike! Also note that just because his tongue is hanging out does not mean I have neglected to offer him water. He's just being an idiot and not drinking at this point in the hike.

How Many Changes Can I Cram Into One Week?

Let's see here, there's the new meds, there's the rug-pulling sugar cut, there's the hiking (in the mud I think). And hopefully sleep. The combo of meds and sugar-cutting should make for some interesting side-effects, but probably good for me in the long run. I know that the first day is the move-in day. Days 2-5 are all good things. Days 6 and 7 are worrying about going back to civilization. Day 8 is saying goodbye and all the depression that comes with it.

I have all my meals and snacks planned out as well as the hikes I would like to take and may or may not depending on situations out of my control. I am not taking sweets or ways to cook said sweets. I am even checking out a strange concoction called keto ketchup to see if I can save some sugar there as well since one of the nights is a hamburger patty. This diet isn't going to hold up at the parental units' house and is far from low-carb, just low-sugar, but I can at least follow it at my house when away from the landmine field of goodies.

And then there's mud. We got 6 inches of snow in the city, though it all was melted by the end of the day. I am not sure if I will be fighting the remnants of the white stuff on my hikes, especially since there is supposed to be a little more moisture later in the week. One thing to consider is that there are supposed to be highs of 70. If I am going to go on a long hike it is going to have to be on Sunday or Monday since there is more moisture predicted for the week after that. Even if I can't hike, I can still work on the last edit of my second book before I send it off for a full and paid edit. The ending needs work and it needs tightening up as well. Something to do when I am not outside enjoying the scenery!

I woke up several times last night to let the dog out since he had an upset tummy. Apparently those times interrupted my sleep enough that I was dead to the world in the morning. I woke up at my usual 6:45 and got ready for work, then realized that I couldn't drive to work safely. Had to call in and say that I would be in late because of it. Talk about embarrassing. 

Also got a chip in Loki's windshield. Right in front of the EyeSight lane-minder. That means whole new glass. At least after last time's replacement I lowered my deductible since that thing is ridiculously expensive. Some cars are chick magnets. Loki is a chip magnet.

Why We Stop?

 

This is one confused and wet dog wondering why we stopped and why I am looking at him through this weird brick thingie. He's my motivation to get out and move and see other places. Yes, the treadmill is great for getting myself off my rear and moving--something that is VERY necessary when at my house where it is not as safe to walk after dark than at my parents' place. Its problem is that I am not getting uneven terrain, even if I use the incline/decline features, and the great big scary outside is just strange and wonderous.

I did in fact change over my reservation for my trip to a place nearer real trails that are darn near impossible to get lost on, unlike the other place. With the weather being strange (it snowed 6" overnight) everything is probably going to be muddy, but it is supposed to be up to 70 on Sunday, so most of the snow will probably have melted by then. Muddy, but still doable. Who knows what the weather is going to do later in the week at this point. I am making sure to bring all the things I might need just in case I want it and don't have it. Granted, I am thirty minutes from a dreaded Wal-Fart, but I would rather not have to go that route.

My mission over the week food-wise: Nix the sugar. I have been living on sweets and white bread (often with butter and sugar) and it is time to nix that problem. A week of washout should be good for me. Lots of fruit, but that is fine. It will also make my wallet happier since I won't be eating out and have a full kitchen to keep me going. And a side note is that it is COVID safe!

I wonder how out of shape I have gotten over the last half a year. I will still try for the 5 mile trek and turn around if I have to...which knowing me I will be too stubborn to do. Good shoes, good buddy, good water storage (though this time I am bringing more just in case since I was running low last time by the time I got back to the truck), and hopefully a good time.

Keto or Low-Carb. Discuss

Way back in 2012 when Jason was in end-stage cancer treatment we both went on a ketogenic diet--true keto with lots of MCT oil. I went bat-shit insane and had horrible gastric issues with it so I just modified it to be low-carb so I didn't have to make two meals. But now I am back 20 pounds up from where I was two months ago and I am desperate. I have been craving pure sugar and carbs and it is killing me.

Is it possible to have the benefits of a ketogenic diet with a low-carb version instead, or is it just not something that works right?

With my trip next week I can use it as a jumpstart to getting back to healthy eating again. I know that I need to exercise more, but I am wondering if I can alter my diet enough to make myself have better results than just calorie cutting and basic nutrient tracking.

One thing I am doing is switching to a plant-based milk so that I don't binge on cereal anymore. Moomilk (as I have dubbed it) is a major draw for me, whether in cereal or drunk with hot chocolate. By changing to plant milk I can have my tea with milk but not have the tendency to crash my healthy eating. Back when I was trying to figure out if I had milk intolerance/allergy I tried all the milks on the market, which had much less options at the time. Oat, rice, almond, hazelnut, coconut, soy. Done it. Hated it. Fast forward to today and I found what is dubbed a barista creamer style almond milk. Oh dear Lord, yum. It works wonderfully in my tea, has less calories than moomilk, and doesn't have the draw to eat with carbs of various types.Yeah, it's more expensive than moomilk, but I don't care. Now I just need to figure out if I have truly found the holy grail of plant milk, or if there are better ones out there even than this one. (For reference, this was Califa barista almond creamer).

This means that I am going though mugs of tea like...well...water. Which I guess is okay. One thing I even managed with a little caffeine hit was to get in some exercise. It wasn't much but it was good to get moving. Plotting out my hiking for next week may need to be altered with how sedentary I have been lately, so I am going to work myself up and see how it goes. No treadmill out there!

One Week.

 

Haggling, while rarely practiced anymore, can be a great thing! For a little more than the previously planned vacation I now have a spot that I know ahead of time near all the amenities needed. I should have asked for less because I didn't think to check the price, but so it goes. Everybody is happy.

Cabin. Woods. Relaxing. One week from tomorrow, after all wrap-up from our work event is complete, I will be hanging out at a cabin in the woods and enjoying myself being away from...most of everything. I do have internet, but no phone. I can be gotten a hold of, but people know mostly to leave me alone. And then there are the trails.

I like hiking. Day hikes, at least for now. The longest I have done was a little over 5 miles of up and down and left me dead, but oh so happy (and almost ran us out of water!). Fast forward to the last two months of inactivity. I am so done. I am so not here mentally. I need a break. I took two short hikes at two locations and did okay, but was definitely out of shape, but it felt good to get back outside. This is a photo of some of the cactus that we avoided on the trip. The dog was tired too after our 1-2 mile hikes, but not enough to need his ramp up into the car. Having said that, I have altered where I am going for my vacation to be nearer to designated hiking paths so I don't get my rear lost in the middle of nowhere. I'm hoping that there isn't snow on the trails, but it is supposed to be in the 50s and 60s, so it should be fine for hiking in the middle of the day without a problem. If there is, I'll deal as needed.

The two reasons that lead me to this second (known) spot is that it is comfortable for me and the dog and it is near hiking and trees. And it is beautiful. And well kempt. And quiet. Yeah. I like it, despite the skunk that tried to make himself known last time I was out there. I know that there are maintained trails at the preferred place. There may be a little mud/leftover snow in parts, but that is fine and I just plan for the extra time, warm things, and other needs. I am so done. I am so not here mentally. I need a break. 

So I'm officially taking the time off work to restart they healthy journey that I tossed to the wind these past two months. Less sugars, since I know that the biggest part of my eating habits that needs to change is how many simple sugars I eat. Not soda, thankfully, though that would be an easy one to deal with. No, this time it is sweet treats and basic (whole wheat and white) bread. I would kill for some bread and jam right now just thinking about food.

And what does that mean I will be eating? I have a giant list of me-approved foods for the journey along with some pitfall-reducing planning. If all goes to plan on the move of locations I will have a little harder time since there are food places galore within the surrounding 20 miles, those that are open in the shoulder season. I also am limiting my milk intake since it leads to massive amounts of cereal intake. I loathe most of the regular milk substitutes for moomilk (I'm especially looking at you, oatmilk), but I found a massively awesome barista version of Califa Almond Milk that is rich and great in tea but not good enough to use in cereal. Tweaking diets is difficult. Sometimes more that others.

Inclusive Healthcare--A Miracle!

I may have stumbled upon a rare thing: a doctor who listens.

My last one was just sort of there and judgmental as all get-out. Granted, I was heavy enough that it was affecting my joints moreso than now, but that was no reason to dismiss my concerns out of hand as if it was all due to my weight. As it turns out, thyroid trouble along with endometriosis and fibroids all have this little way of interfering with life (those and other things are under control now). She's no longer in practice, thank heavens. Which leads me to:

A Miracle

I just switched primary care doctors, so I had the whole annual physical, health questionnaire, and overall once-over. She mentioned that my labs and everything looked so I was doing well. Not one peep about me being overweight. Not one blip about it. No prod to lose. Instead she focused on my mental health and how I was on top of that as well. I mentioned that even when I was 50 pounds lighter, my bloodwork and blood pressure were nice. I got the thumbs up for getting healthier, but she really was focusing more on me as a whole instead of me as a statistic.

And she listened. For twenty minutes we were in the room and chatted about everything that needed to be covered. Vaccines: got 'em. She was wowed that my RA was under control. And I walked in with extensive labs that had just been done, so she got to have a full view of me as an organism as well as a human being with a brain. She mentioned that she was there if I needed anything, but that I was doing well and to keep it up. 

Those of us who are of a certain shape know that we are doing the best we can. Harping on it just doesn't do any good. In fact, when someone looks at me and says I should lose weight, it makes me have the knee-jerk reaction of reaching for the first cookie I see. Maybe two. Highly unproductive for either party.

But she didn't. She listened. And I hope that she continues to be in practice for a long time!

Oopsies

On the Road...Somewhat

Over the past month and a half I have managed to gain over 10 pounds. Nobody's fault but mine. I used the surgery as a reason to backslide, and boy have I ever. With the treadmill broken at the parental units' house (still have yet to repair/replace) and "winter", or as close to it as the high desert gets, I have been less than useful at getting in exercise there. At least my house one is in working condition. I even managed to use it while I was there over the weekend! Hey, some is better than none. Still not supposed to lift/tug more than 20 pounds which means that the dog is out of luck for walks since he pulls sometimes. Poor pooch likes his walks though, and really likes to play tug. He's out of luck for the next five weeks.

After a brief change of meds I am up and working reasonably well again. Managed to get a ton of things done at my house on Sunday. More than I had managed in the previous two months combined! Better living through chemistry. Now I'm back to being a slug after all the activity, but some use is better than none. I even found the surface of one of my catch-all tables! It never ceases to amaze me how much general junk gets dumped on that table. Or the sheer unbelievable amount of dog fur that accumulates around the house. Little tufts that roll like tumbleweeds along the corners of the wall. Three vacuum dumps later and I have a much cleaner house. I swear that I found a whole other dog's worth of fur. And the kitchen--I even cleaned the stove. Scary things happened on Sunday and I am happy with every one of them. Now if only I could bottle that energy for later use!

I had a little downtime last night and started to plot my next vacation. I found a cute little cabin near the mountains for hiking that won't break my bank. Only problem is that I am not sure when I will be able to get off from work to go gallivanting. It looks cute and is about half of what others would cost me, all because some of the nearby properties are a little rundown. That's fine with me. But we'll see when I can break free. At least not before the end of March. 

But now it is probably time for me to wind down my break and get back to work. After tea round three. I am getting in my caffeine today. Maybe that even means I will get in a walk to pick up meds from the Walgreen's nearby instead of waiting in line in the drivethrough.

The Curse of February

Has it hit? Yup. But this not-so-little dude helps. 

The job is in a holding pattern, which is good since the last two days of work (Wednesday and Thursday) were called on account of "snow", which is to say that there was a layer of ice on the roads and people here have bald tires and no clue how to drive in winter conditions. So I stayed put until it was safe to go home that Thursday evening. Nothing had frozen in the 7F nights, so all was well. Luckily, the heaters work well!

Then again, there is the funk that February and April (for some reason not March) bring. It hit early this year instead of mid-month like in past years. For some reason 2021 didn't happen. Well...2020 and 2021 just sort of existed as there was no sense of time. This year it is here, but being rapidly attacked by coping mechanisms. I am hoping that it is smooth sailing through March when my work project is through, otherwise my life becomes much more difficult. As it is, I'm having trouble thinking coherently and anticipating needs. And then there's food. All the food. It's my curse right now.

One good thing is that the doc ordered blood work that was useful. Low vitamin D and really low thyroid. Time to get to fix those things and maybe some of the giant cravings for all things munchable will go down. Heck, some of the mood might go up as well! As it is, I am up 11 pounds from where I was in December and just have given up. I keep starting out the day well and healthy and then descend into a food monster in the evening. I need a lock on the fridge and pantry! So part of my really wants to get back down and then the other part just...is tired.

And there you have it. The good, the bad, and the munchy. Here's to overcoming brainz.