I am having trouble getting motivated to get exercise. Despite exercising every day for seven weeks, I am feeling a major slump. I also know that about the time I quit for a day is when I start slipping back down to not caring at all--it is an all or nothing type need for exercise.
Luckily, my parents are close by as well as friends. While I am up seeing them I have use of some awesome trails--that I only use when it is light out. I also have a wonderful standby at their house: the treadmill. Link much prefers the outside walks and I can tell that his hankering for a walk was high the past two days. Little pest.
One other great thing about being up my parents' house is that it is very close to my doctors--as in, all of my doctors. This is a good thing because I will be calling one of the doc's office and being ready should they have an opening. Hell, I may just show up and pray for an opening; it would not be the first time since I have been the pest in the waiting room.
And now pooch is letting me know that bedtime is soon. And my body is seconding command.
This is about how far I can free write right now. So you will get the this tiny post-ette fun.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
He Has Learned
Thanks to me exercising daily, the dog has learned a new trick. He points to his leash when he thinks he wants a walk. When I pick up the leash he gets hyper and happy and wiggling. The only other thing he loves more than a walk is going for a ride.
If he sees me putting on my tennis shoes he starts whining and turning circles in anticipation of a walk--even if I am just putting on shoes to go take out the trash. He will sit and wiggle at me, telling me to get ready faster.
My furry friend cheers me on, even if I just want to do is curl up on my chair and sleep. So far we have walked (and swimmed) our way to exercising once a day for the last seven weeks. No days missed.
By now I think that the exercise is second nature for me. I may not get in much but I still do it.
Last time I lost a lot of weight I didn't even bother exercising. That was when I could barely hobble around the house. I was on crutches pretty every day.
I learned from that journey that I could lose weight without exercising. (On the other hand, I was still fairly active, just not my lower body.) That stayed with me even when I was slim, no amount of exercising can outdo food consumption. Both then and now, portion control is really hard. My food scale is both my friend and my enemy.
This time around the exercise is there and I will have more muscles to even out my body. Who knows, maybe I can jog at some point! (Hah! that is rather unlikely with my joints). Between walking and swimming I have a pretty good use of muscle building aerobic exercise.(I do some strength training, but not as much as I probably should.)
All said and done, the pooch is a great motivator to get me up and moving and I intend to keep at the exercise. (My walks have been invaded by Pokemon... it works better for me that listening to music!)
If he sees me putting on my tennis shoes he starts whining and turning circles in anticipation of a walk--even if I am just putting on shoes to go take out the trash. He will sit and wiggle at me, telling me to get ready faster.
My furry friend cheers me on, even if I just want to do is curl up on my chair and sleep. So far we have walked (and swimmed) our way to exercising once a day for the last seven weeks. No days missed.
By now I think that the exercise is second nature for me. I may not get in much but I still do it.
Last time I lost a lot of weight I didn't even bother exercising. That was when I could barely hobble around the house. I was on crutches pretty every day.
I learned from that journey that I could lose weight without exercising. (On the other hand, I was still fairly active, just not my lower body.) That stayed with me even when I was slim, no amount of exercising can outdo food consumption. Both then and now, portion control is really hard. My food scale is both my friend and my enemy.
This time around the exercise is there and I will have more muscles to even out my body. Who knows, maybe I can jog at some point! (Hah! that is rather unlikely with my joints). Between walking and swimming I have a pretty good use of muscle building aerobic exercise.(I do some strength training, but not as much as I probably should.)
All said and done, the pooch is a great motivator to get me up and moving and I intend to keep at the exercise. (My walks have been invaded by Pokemon... it works better for me that listening to music!)
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Old Stomping Grounds
Between 2008 and early 2013 we spent every two to four weeks in San Francisco. When my husband was having chemo we stayed there for four weeks, with weekends out with family in East Bay. It was stressful because my husband was weak and sick due the radiation treatment and healing up from his first surgery.
We came to know the people in the area. The hotels we stayed at (two nearby the hospial) were always kind and tried to accommodate us and our crazy schedules.The downtown Marriot even helped us out during chemo--two weeks at little cost.
The Turkish market down the street made the most mind blowing coffee I have ever tasted before. He knew me by name and started up a cup as soon as he saw me. There was usually someone playing a doumbek drum or people playing chess in the store. It was the local hangout.
I miss the food. The variety of fruit and vegetables mean that most of the places we visited had real food in their recipes. My two favorite restaurants were side by side U C Sushi (named because it was only a block from UCSF medical center. The other place, right next door, was a little Indian place that had the best chai--all you care to drink, .Nan flowed like a river to your table.
I miss the people. Unlike other big cities I have been in, San Francisco has some of the nicest and tolerant people that I have ever met. Yes, I only saw a small portion of SF but I always loved coming. Even in crowded busses and trains people would find a spot to squeeze in closer and apologized if someone's foot got walked on. (This was a shocker after going to DC where everyone kept their heads down and never dared to make eye contact with anyone else.)
I miss the people. So many families helped us out between transportation, lodging, food, and a friendly shoulder to cry on. I don't think that any of them were blood relatives, besides my brother--thanks for the loan of your truck! My inlaws used to lived nearby and had lots of contacts that were glad to help.
The doctors were always courteous and supportive, even when news got bad. The hospital staff were always ready to help and made the entire process go much smoother than in any other hospital center I have been to. They seemed to actually enjoy helping others, even when the people they help are dazed and confused (they helped me make sure everything was as stress free for the weeks of my husband's surgeries and scans).
I miss our little trips--usually private planes flown by volunteers. No security lines, no checked baggage, just fly and get there then hop onto transit to get out to the appointments. AngelFlight was a godsend for us, especially when my husband or I were having bad days.
I miss all of San Francisco, at least the parts we were in.If I could afford a place there it would be my dream to live down in that little part of town, but that isn't going to happen any time soon.
We came to know the people in the area. The hotels we stayed at (two nearby the hospial) were always kind and tried to accommodate us and our crazy schedules.The downtown Marriot even helped us out during chemo--two weeks at little cost.
The Turkish market down the street made the most mind blowing coffee I have ever tasted before. He knew me by name and started up a cup as soon as he saw me. There was usually someone playing a doumbek drum or people playing chess in the store. It was the local hangout.
I miss the food. The variety of fruit and vegetables mean that most of the places we visited had real food in their recipes. My two favorite restaurants were side by side U C Sushi (named because it was only a block from UCSF medical center. The other place, right next door, was a little Indian place that had the best chai--all you care to drink, .Nan flowed like a river to your table.
I miss the people. Unlike other big cities I have been in, San Francisco has some of the nicest and tolerant people that I have ever met. Yes, I only saw a small portion of SF but I always loved coming. Even in crowded busses and trains people would find a spot to squeeze in closer and apologized if someone's foot got walked on. (This was a shocker after going to DC where everyone kept their heads down and never dared to make eye contact with anyone else.)
I miss the people. So many families helped us out between transportation, lodging, food, and a friendly shoulder to cry on. I don't think that any of them were blood relatives, besides my brother--thanks for the loan of your truck! My inlaws used to lived nearby and had lots of contacts that were glad to help.
The doctors were always courteous and supportive, even when news got bad. The hospital staff were always ready to help and made the entire process go much smoother than in any other hospital center I have been to. They seemed to actually enjoy helping others, even when the people they help are dazed and confused (they helped me make sure everything was as stress free for the weeks of my husband's surgeries and scans).
I miss our little trips--usually private planes flown by volunteers. No security lines, no checked baggage, just fly and get there then hop onto transit to get out to the appointments. AngelFlight was a godsend for us, especially when my husband or I were having bad days.
I miss all of San Francisco, at least the parts we were in.If I could afford a place there it would be my dream to live down in that little part of town, but that isn't going to happen any time soon.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Just Say No
I have a really hard time saying no. I feel like I don't deserve to take away from other people's time and energy by saying no--even if I am the one it inconveniences. Last night I was talking to my next door neighbors. I know they are not well off to say the least, so I do try to help them out.
Yesterday night they were walking around my house (the quickest way to their house from the road--I get it) when I popped out the door to say hi. They seemed surprised to see me out there with them. My something-ain't-right feeling was on last night. They asked for help hooking up their ChromeCast, but didn't have internet. They asked me if I would share my internet with them--Jason would have rolled over in his grave if I said yes. I had to say no--too much of a security risk.
There are many times that have been able to say yes, but last night I just couldn't. Last night I did get him the monthly money to pay for his taking care of my yard. I would share more with them, but, to be quite frank, I don't trust them--especially his girlfriend. Part of me is a little afraid of them and their past run-ins with the cops. But I also know that they are good people.
So why did I say no?
The biggest reason: I don't want them to think that I will give free rein to anything they ask. The second, and smaller, reason is that I don't want unsecured internet all tied up and as when I need it. My local internet is slow...occasionally painfully slow, so I didn't want to mess that up. My husband would have rolled over in his grave it I let other people on my secured internet. But the biggie was the statement that, in no uncertain terms, they can't run over me. Not quite that much.
So then, why did I not say no earlier?
Fear. I know that the two have had many dealings with the cops. He used to grow a large patch of weed, but stopped after his little brother got killed in a deal. I know that him stopping was real since the old trailer that was his growing area is now inhabited by other people (as well as the smoke no longer sending me into fits of asthma.. She has had many fights and thefts that landed her in jail--a lot of the money he gets goes to bailing her out of jail. So yeah, fear.
Do I like them? Yes. Will I help them more? Yup, just not when it affects me in the long run. Food and cold drinks? Hell yeah! A fan when they were stuck in 100s, sure, but I don't expect it to return to me. anything I loan. I expect items that I share to not return or be shared among many other people before (maybe) returning home. But the internet, for security and I just won't do it.
I still hate telling people no. That probably will not change. I think that I am doing something wrong every time I say no to a request. Saying no, even if it will inconvenience or cost me something, is just not in my normal course. I am working on it.
Yesterday night they were walking around my house (the quickest way to their house from the road--I get it) when I popped out the door to say hi. They seemed surprised to see me out there with them. My something-ain't-right feeling was on last night. They asked for help hooking up their ChromeCast, but didn't have internet. They asked me if I would share my internet with them--Jason would have rolled over in his grave if I said yes. I had to say no--too much of a security risk.
There are many times that have been able to say yes, but last night I just couldn't. Last night I did get him the monthly money to pay for his taking care of my yard. I would share more with them, but, to be quite frank, I don't trust them--especially his girlfriend. Part of me is a little afraid of them and their past run-ins with the cops. But I also know that they are good people.
So why did I say no?
The biggest reason: I don't want them to think that I will give free rein to anything they ask. The second, and smaller, reason is that I don't want unsecured internet all tied up and as when I need it. My local internet is slow...occasionally painfully slow, so I didn't want to mess that up. My husband would have rolled over in his grave it I let other people on my secured internet. But the biggie was the statement that, in no uncertain terms, they can't run over me. Not quite that much.
So then, why did I not say no earlier?
Fear. I know that the two have had many dealings with the cops. He used to grow a large patch of weed, but stopped after his little brother got killed in a deal. I know that him stopping was real since the old trailer that was his growing area is now inhabited by other people (as well as the smoke no longer sending me into fits of asthma.. She has had many fights and thefts that landed her in jail--a lot of the money he gets goes to bailing her out of jail. So yeah, fear.
Do I like them? Yes. Will I help them more? Yup, just not when it affects me in the long run. Food and cold drinks? Hell yeah! A fan when they were stuck in 100s, sure, but I don't expect it to return to me. anything I loan. I expect items that I share to not return or be shared among many other people before (maybe) returning home. But the internet, for security and I just won't do it.
I still hate telling people no. That probably will not change. I think that I am doing something wrong every time I say no to a request. Saying no, even if it will inconvenience or cost me something, is just not in my normal course. I am working on it.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Checking off the List
My house has been one long reconstruction project. Today I woke up to yesterday's hard work. The living room was last night's project. This project is hard for me since it was one of the last things that Jason and I worked on together. It is time. The only things left for that room are trim along the floor and something to cover that floor.
Interesting to me is how connected I was to the project. The last year he was alive we had a long list of things to do around the house. About halfway through the year we had help from all sorts of family--we had help in shifts--it was amazing! But there were still things to do--as a matter of fact, there still are things to do.
There is something sad about getting these things done, rather than just looking at the familiar half-way done progress. Fixing things on the house is very tough for me and, in most cases I would rather someone else do the hands on. Yesterday I put in my little share of the work and, thanks to my awesome dad, the ceiling and walls are all done in the middle room. It only took me four years to fix it up.
Four years
That is quite a long time to keep avoiding a house renovation. I just don't think rationally when it comes to these to these projects, even though I should at least put in real thought into what is going on. Fixing takes away a memory of my husband, even though I know that the renovation can't stay unfinished. Days like this where I wake up to seeing a finished area of the house just makes me break down. I was already in tears last night before I finally zonked out. Tears from a coat of paint.
But yesterday was not bad. It didn't even hit that the room was fixed until long after my dad left. He taught me new secrets on how to paint well as well as how to smooth out rough edges in sheetrock. It was a good day. The night just stunk from Brainz. But brainz are better after sleep. Right?
Interesting to me is how connected I was to the project. The last year he was alive we had a long list of things to do around the house. About halfway through the year we had help from all sorts of family--we had help in shifts--it was amazing! But there were still things to do--as a matter of fact, there still are things to do.
There is something sad about getting these things done, rather than just looking at the familiar half-way done progress. Fixing things on the house is very tough for me and, in most cases I would rather someone else do the hands on. Yesterday I put in my little share of the work and, thanks to my awesome dad, the ceiling and walls are all done in the middle room. It only took me four years to fix it up.
Four years
That is quite a long time to keep avoiding a house renovation. I just don't think rationally when it comes to these to these projects, even though I should at least put in real thought into what is going on. Fixing takes away a memory of my husband, even though I know that the renovation can't stay unfinished. Days like this where I wake up to seeing a finished area of the house just makes me break down. I was already in tears last night before I finally zonked out. Tears from a coat of paint.
But yesterday was not bad. It didn't even hit that the room was fixed until long after my dad left. He taught me new secrets on how to paint well as well as how to smooth out rough edges in sheetrock. It was a good day. The night just stunk from Brainz. But brainz are better after sleep. Right?
Saturday, August 20, 2016
No Scale Headway. Again.
I know that this is a repeat message, but I have to get it out of my system: my metabolism hates me. Another week of no measureable weight change. I am hoping that, like last time, this means that there is a large drop in my future. I have to keep up that hope.
I wish that I could get a steady loss. I know that is not going to happen. I can still wish.
Since I have been getting back into eating normal sized foods I am scaling back the Nutrisystem foods. That decision was even easier since they raised the price on my plan. Now I have a 20 day (rather than 30ish) plan for half the cost. I find it frustrating that they don't show the alternate plans on their website. I had to go through their chat line to find out about the plans. Frustrating, but done.
It has been around a month that I have gotten in some exercise during the day. I call that a success. It is getting more difficult to get up the gumption to put on my shoes and walk or get out and swim. I wish that I could do some jogging, or even run at some point. Right now I am doing well to do get in a mile or two of walking, or thirty to forty-five minutes swimming. A month is a good time to see how a habit can be instilled in my brain. I feel wrong when I don't move--I get restless.
I know that the scale will move, I just want it to move now! My clothes have stopped feeling looser. I want more. I want to be off of meds that cause weight gain. Unfortunately I have found that I don't function well without meds in addition to other therapy. Bah!
Between the exercise and fluctuation in brainz I have less motivation to do other things at my house. Playing with the dog (who loves to walk, so he isn't too sad), doing dishes, cleaning out the fridge. Luckily, I have people to prod me when I am down and tether me close to the ground when I am truly manic. Thank you guys!
I wish that I could get a steady loss. I know that is not going to happen. I can still wish.
Since I have been getting back into eating normal sized foods I am scaling back the Nutrisystem foods. That decision was even easier since they raised the price on my plan. Now I have a 20 day (rather than 30ish) plan for half the cost. I find it frustrating that they don't show the alternate plans on their website. I had to go through their chat line to find out about the plans. Frustrating, but done.
It has been around a month that I have gotten in some exercise during the day. I call that a success. It is getting more difficult to get up the gumption to put on my shoes and walk or get out and swim. I wish that I could do some jogging, or even run at some point. Right now I am doing well to do get in a mile or two of walking, or thirty to forty-five minutes swimming. A month is a good time to see how a habit can be instilled in my brain. I feel wrong when I don't move--I get restless.
I know that the scale will move, I just want it to move now! My clothes have stopped feeling looser. I want more. I want to be off of meds that cause weight gain. Unfortunately I have found that I don't function well without meds in addition to other therapy. Bah!
Between the exercise and fluctuation in brainz I have less motivation to do other things at my house. Playing with the dog (who loves to walk, so he isn't too sad), doing dishes, cleaning out the fridge. Luckily, I have people to prod me when I am down and tether me close to the ground when I am truly manic. Thank you guys!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Can't Write--Brainz Will Eat Me
Yup. Three days since a post. Why? Busy with doc visits, family, and lots of excuses not to write. Excuses mostly. I did, however, keep up my exercise while I fell off the writing road. Dog is pleased with this regimen and now instantly wiggles over to me and sits (while still wiggling) to be leashed up. He loves his walks.
I wish that people at home would leash their dogs, especially with how many of the loose dogs are not happy with other dogs. There is an entire block I skim around because of a very big and very aggressive dog chained in front of the house. The tiny terrors I worry about more. There is a tiny football of a chihuahua on the main road that I occasion have to stare down at him and shoo him away--Link is afraid of the little runt; I am not. The giant pit bull that tried to eat both Link and me left me with the idea to keep far away from that dog. However, today's walk was uneventful, just like I like it.
In diet fun, I made a trivial comment to one of the workers at Nutrisystem, trying to find a way to lessen the cost. I found a plan that was half the cost of what they originally quoted, all for eating a few of my own meals--which I already do. These plans are only showed as an option after talking to a representative or click the right buttons when delaying an order (I have delayed twice so far). This is a form of false advertising by withholding other options to purchase. Yet, even with the sneaky marketing, I will be continuing the Nutrisystem--just for less money.
I can't quite wrap my head around weight loss. Not my loss at least. Some people have five to ten pounds to lose for their happiness. I have lost thirteen so far, but it feels like nothing for me. Even hefting the ten pounds of sugar hasn't blown my mind yet.
No longer on a high, life has a tendency to drop out from me. Here is hoping that the dog keeps me moving, the other dogs stay safe, and the weight loss keeps going.
I wish that people at home would leash their dogs, especially with how many of the loose dogs are not happy with other dogs. There is an entire block I skim around because of a very big and very aggressive dog chained in front of the house. The tiny terrors I worry about more. There is a tiny football of a chihuahua on the main road that I occasion have to stare down at him and shoo him away--Link is afraid of the little runt; I am not. The giant pit bull that tried to eat both Link and me left me with the idea to keep far away from that dog. However, today's walk was uneventful, just like I like it.
In diet fun, I made a trivial comment to one of the workers at Nutrisystem, trying to find a way to lessen the cost. I found a plan that was half the cost of what they originally quoted, all for eating a few of my own meals--which I already do. These plans are only showed as an option after talking to a representative or click the right buttons when delaying an order (I have delayed twice so far). This is a form of false advertising by withholding other options to purchase. Yet, even with the sneaky marketing, I will be continuing the Nutrisystem--just for less money.
I can't quite wrap my head around weight loss. Not my loss at least. Some people have five to ten pounds to lose for their happiness. I have lost thirteen so far, but it feels like nothing for me. Even hefting the ten pounds of sugar hasn't blown my mind yet.
No longer on a high, life has a tendency to drop out from me. Here is hoping that the dog keeps me moving, the other dogs stay safe, and the weight loss keeps going.
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