20 Years of a Lie?

Almost exactly twenty years ago I was faced with a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. Lots of meds. Lots of frustration. Years of steroids left me with osteopenia, treated that a decade ago, now need to check the status again. (Which reminds me that I need to call the facility that was supposed to contact me two weeks ago. In typical medical fashion.) I can't remember how many different medicines I tried. How many side effects I found--I'm looking at you, methotrexate.

But apparently it was for naught, and the times I felt good were from the steroids and times when my body just naturally calmed down. 

I saw a new rheumatologist last month, since my one and only other rheumie left last year. I'd been getting gradually worse joint and tendon pain after many years of remission of what I thought was RA. But apparently it wasn't RA. The new doc checked me out pretty well but found no actual swelling. We talked for a while and she dubbed it: hypermobility, barring other diagnoses. Specifically "hypermobility spectrum disorder", but we were checking for a battery of tests to come back. They mostly came back negative. It isn't RA. It isn't autoimmune at all. It's... Something. 

Now, I'm hoping that she doesn't brush me off and say to just deal with it. I've been "dealing with it" for all of my life. As in, at least as long as I can remember. As long as my mother can remember. And I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of having my shoulder just drop out of its socket. My ankles, and hips, and fingers going on strike randomly. After consulting Dr. Google, there's so many symptoms that make sense with the HSD--including the joint issues, IBS, and menstrual issues. Fun fun! At least that last one was ousted and is no longer a problem. Now THAT was an awesome surgery for SO many reasons.

I see her again next week and I'm both looking forward to and dreading meeting up again. I don't know if I'm going to be dismissed as a hypochondriac (could be--but unlikely in this instance) or once again be told to lose weight, get more sleep, drink more water, have less stress. Yeah. Working on that. Why did I still have these problems as a kid? 

For two decades I thought my joints were eating themselves from the inside so I was on, quite literally, chemotherapy for YEARS. And it may have done nothing at all. Or not. I'm not sure. The money and time involved was probably astronomical. But I was physically disabled either way, no matter the diagnosis. I dealt with it, with a hefty dose of help from those around me--especially my man. So I guess the diagnosis didn't make much of a difference in the long run.

Fret fret. Stew stew. Ruminate. The doc visit will happen. If HSD is the diagnosis, not much can be done that I'm not already doing. Though I do need to exercise more. That's a fact. And I have the gear to do it. But... mope. It may be something else. I just feel lied to because of something that was a mistake. 

Plans and Peets

I had grand plans for this weekend. It was supposed to be cool and comfortable with no rain and minimal wind. Score! Camping weekend! I got all the food assembled and cooked for ease of use. I packed up the car. I made sure that the house was in order. This morning I finished up packing all but the food and had a hunch to check the weather once more. Dammit. The wind was set to be 15-20 mph steady and 30-35 mph gusts tomorrow and a chance of thunderstorms. Windy today. I don't like camping in wind. I really don't like taking down or putting up tents in wind. I had said that I was darned and determined to go out. But nope. With a sad heart I unpacked and piled the goods back into the house. *sigh* I haven't been out since the spring when it got too hot to tolerate. Best laid plans of mice.

A background of me and camping: I do not pack light. I pack for comfort. This includes a beefy cot and double pads. A tall 4-person tent for me and the dog. Stove, full propane tank, and a full file box of kitchen gear. I do NOT pack light. It is a way for me to disconnect from work, people, and the internet/phone coverage. I do keep a solid hold on books stashed in my bag and on my phone with solar charging panels and battery banks. Books. That is my main form of entertainment while out. But, alas, that was not to be this weekend.

Not a small tent. And not this weekend.

But next week looks good. Maybe next week.

In other news, my grumpy peet (foot) was constrained to a CAM boot for two weeks last month. I thought my foot was all better, or at least I was hoping that. But after short 15 minute walks it is acting up again. Ice bottles are my friends. I am just going to consider it as a permanent thing and just keep doing the maintenance exercises and stretching and hoping for the best. If it gets worse, fine. I'll go back to the doc. But a different doc. Second opinion time.

As for the cluster**** that was the week before last, all but the medical insurance is taken care of now. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it was going to be to get fixed. Even work is going okay!

Dog is in a holding pattern. He is still able to get onto his couch by himself. He needs a sling to get up the ramp and into the car, but that is minor. I have booties for him when walking on concrete because he drags his back feet somewhat that wears his nails thin. Rugs all around the house help him keep his footing. He will be here as long as he wants to be here. But for now? Cuddle bug! Or speed bump since he is laying in the middle of the walkway.

And now? Trying to not eat everything in sight. Time to take the body back under 200 pounds, up from my latest low of 180 ish. My joints in general are unhappy. So I will do what I need to do to safely get there

On Baristas, Boots, and Belligerent Bellies

I spent 8 am to 2 pm in Silver City just exploring and learning while the dog stayed home and chilled. My first stop was to an eclectic coffee shop that looked like it was pulled directly from some Alaskan hippie shop. And it was positively wonderful! Oiled wood with burls supported the ceiling and polished paneling on the walls Eclectic art hung from the ceiling with paintings on the walls, as well as vintage games, made the place feel nice and homey. Lots of space to chill on the three levels of seating (small amount of seating, but you had your choice of space to sit. The had lots of baked goods and coffee that smelled heavenly. They also had a large assortment of tea that they bag themselves for purchase by the mug. I saw a heavenly thing: a gluten free cheesecake and chocolate brownie! I've been successfully testing out if my body is reacting poorly to gluten again. It seems that cutting it out is working wonders for my unhappy innards, so I am running with it. I snagged the goodie and a black coffee and munched my way through breakfast. Just across the road was the town museum, which was pretty cool too.

Tranquilbuzz Coffee

I learned that the local mine (Chino--the third largest open-pit copper mine) had gotten rid of their smelter in 2002. That means that I was one of the last people to see it in operation when I visited in 2002 for a college field trip. I can still remember the heat off of pouring metal and the huge elctroplated panels ready for shipping. Then there was the gatorade-blue colored solution that gave off fumes so bad that my nose smelled copper and sulfur for the next two weeks. It was a great trip that made me appreciate the entire facility as somewhere I would rather not work. The mine itself was an awesome learning experience too. I didn't even come up to the hubcap on the big trucks. But the smelter was the highlight of the trip. It was also the trip that I learned that I never wanted my college advisor to drive a van around twisty turny roads again. The next time I drove myself.

After a trip down memory lane, I snaked my way back through downtown to the local hippie-mart to snag overpriced goods for the rest of the week. I will shop local when I can, and they had lots of the gluten-free goodies that I was looking for (like bread. I have been craving bread and I knew that they had some I could happily eat), in addition to local produce. Then it was time to go rescue the dog from the incoming thunderstorm and do laundry, which I hung inside since the rain was coming in. Then it was time to just listen to videos and chill out while the rain fell.

Over the last two years I have been battling foot issues, with the worst offender being plantar fasciitis. A little over a year ago I was in a walking boot for the foot and that cleared up part of the problem. Fast forward a year and several cortisone shots later and I am back to having problems. I spent two weeks in the boot again to see if that would help keep me out of surgery. It seems to have helped, now that I have gotten used to being on my own level feet again. The foot pain is still there though. I have a podiatrist appointment in two weeks to see as a second opinion if I should go through with the surgery. I am leaning toward no right now. Hoping for the best and doing all my exercises like a good girl until then.

So now I am spending the day eating and doing as little as humanly possible. No hikes thanks to the dog being too lame to do them anymore and I don't want to go out alone. I am considering it as a healing time for the foot and brains. And I have once again forgotten my tea. It is now lukewarm. Just means that I will have to chug it and make more!

A Vacation to Nowhere...

 ...and nothing.

I am making it a point this week while on vacation to do as little as possible with the time I have. Work is on notice that I would rather not be bothered. Parental units know that I may or may not have phone coverage while I am out here. And it's great! I've been here three nights so far, with four more to go. I have left the house to take Link for short walks, avoiding the burrs as I went--though he was certain that he wanted to take a chance and piss on the burr plants! He apparently has no intention on self-preservation.

Him with his stylishly day-glow booties

Speaking of the dog, he's had quite a decline in health. With a diagnosis of degenerative myelopathy a few months ago, he is doing rather well for the condition. I have been grasping at things I can do to keep him up and running. My vet offers acupuncture for dogs, so, while I didn't get any benefit from it when I tried it, Link seems to be doing well on it since his decline has been slower than expected. Unfortunately, the condition is progressive and unable to be cured. Probably only a few months, but he will let me know when it's time. Knowing that he isn't in pain from it makes a big difference in my mind. Walking like he is drunk is rather cute, if not frustrating to him when he plunks down with a grunt. He's dragging his back paws quite a bit now, so I bought a new pair of shoes for him. Probably will have to get different ones that don't give his toes too much traction on pavement and gravel. He's really unsteady on his hind end, so I have rugs strewn around the house to give him a steady path. He also gets a boost up the ramp into the car with a sling that my coworker gave me. We will work with it day by day.

Poor pooch was not thrilled with the thunderstorm we had today. It wasn't long, but he was back hiding in the bathroom, squished into the foot-wide area between the tub and vanity, until it passed. But he got over it quick. Now it is raining again, but without the lights and booms, so he is happy to be down by my feet on his cushy blanketed spot.

So yes, it is raining. We will be putting off his nightly run until the chance of wet-dog-stench is lessened. Besides, the later we go out at night mean the later I can sleep in! I have a book of short stories by Sir Terry Pratchett that I am currently consuming before bed. No real reading outside of online during the day. 

And tomorrow whenever Link wakes me up for his duties I will get up and shower, then lock him away so I can take a jaunt into Silver City for breakfast/museum/groceries. That will be my main thing to do on this trip. And that's enough for me!

Well, That Didn't Take Long

100,036 miles as of hitting my house today. That voided my so-called 10-year warranty from the manufacturer (that didn't even last 5). So I just bought an extended warranty--no not from one of those phone scams. When my car gets repairs, they are costly. I love my Forester, but damn can it be expensive without insurance. This one will pay for everything and extras to boot for less than the arm and a leg of the first company I scoped out. It was an interesting conversation explaining how I have 25k miles per year without it being commercial use. He didn't believe me at first, then I explained the middle-of-nowhere home/work situation. No really. I drive. Plus 1800 mile trips to SD. So now I have paid an arm (but not a leg) for peace of mind that I wouldn't have by just setting aside money.

Yup. I Drive.

Alas, the dog licked a hole in his foot (again). He's been in a cone for a week. I keep letting him out to drink and eat and then seeing if he can handle not putting tongue to foot for a while. So far the longest he has gone was about 15 minutes before being re-coned. That means he unable to use the doggy door, and that makes him incredibly mopey. He is the saddest dog that ever did dog. Complete with laying down and letting out the loudest sighs he can possibly manage. I would feel sorry for him, but he has access to his couch and toys and scritchies and the possibility of freedom. But all he knows is that it itches and licking it feels better. I can't fault him. I've been known to make wounds worse by futzing with them as well.

Thanks to time change I am still jet lagged, despite it changing over last Sunday. I do not adjust well. On a good note, it means that I feel like I need to eat all night for one hour less than a week ago. The sun goes down and the munchies ensue, so I have less time to munch uncontrollably. Which means that now I am just thinking that it is dinner time (at 6:20pm). Yet I am still tired at regular bed time. Which is strange. But that's brainz for you!

And finally, I found out an incredible new development: I can stand up from the floor without using my hands or arms. I haven't been able to do that for the last 13 years (at least) thanks to a long time of having to use crutches and canes due to the stupid rheumatoid arthritis. I am just now, thanks to the gym workouts, able to do it! I keep finding small things that the work has improved and it just makes me smile and have even more reason to get there and work out. Of course, a couple days after abusing my legs and my knees are screaming at me. I think it's worth it. Now pass the ibuprofen.

Merry Christmas Eve—Alone

And that suits me just fine.

Originally my plan was to spend last weekend at home and up in the city, making chocolates, hanging out with the dog, and overall just chillin'. That did not happen,

Not one bit.

I managed to get the norovirus gut bug from hell starting Thursday night. To put it in perspective, I slept on the bathroom floor for two days. I don't remember Friday. Of which I am probably very appreciative. I just got back to real food yesterday, if that gives you an idea of what tore through my system. But that is mostly taken care of. 

Between that, COVID last month, and whatever-the-hell I had in September, I got sick more in four months than I have in the past two years. I think. I may be having selective memory. But at least I had actual sick leave thanks to New Mexico law this year that got me through COVID. The other two times have blessedly been over weekends or vacations. That week of COVID would have cleared out my originally given three days that I had last year leaving me with nothing for the various migraines that I have begun to have over the past year (since my hysterectomy they have been rare, but more as of late). Thank you, New Mexico, for ensuring that I have reasonable sick leave!

So I got to spend the time Dad was in town for the parental units' anniversary mostly out of commission. And that means that I didn't get to visit like I would have liked. It also meant that my expected partial weekend on my own was a little less enjoyable than planned. Instead, I chose to spend this weekend at home instead spending New Year's weekend up with Mom. I needed a break.

And that means that I am spending Christmas with the dog at home without the pressure of cooking, appearing put together, and facing the outpouring of spoons that I just don't have. Boss gave me Tuesday off, so my weekend is an extra day longer. I have me. I have the dog. I'll have spoon recovery. I'm good. 

On the dog. Dad found a lump on the pooch's side that I didn't know of since it isn't a place I usually scritch. So there is a vet trip on Friday and back to Albuquerque. Hoping that he just has a lipoma that can be ignored, but I need to make sure. I'm not really freaking out about it yet since there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, I'll panic eventually once I am closer to the visit/already in the visit, but for now I am calm. 

But for now, no panicking, no people, no (or little) stress. I am using a couple spoons for dinner tonight, but those will be easily recovered tomorrow.

Oh! And on spoons: Mousie (the original imaginary friend), spoon (spoonies), and teacup (TEA!) are about to be on my arm. All based on my momma's sketch after mentioning that I wanted these things on a wrist tattoo.  Here. Have a sketch.

The Empty Lectern

This time of year is when Jason started really declining. 10.5 years since he passed, but the slow progression of his cancer really became evident at this point in the year. But I am healing over time. And it also brings up hard memories that I also cherish just as much as the good. 

One example is when he was supposed to deliver a presentation to the IEEE conference in Santa Fe in December of 2012. He wanted so badly to go, but his speech and cognition was just not there enough anymore for a live presentation. I offered to be his spokesperson, but we both knew that it was just not going to happen. It was with heavy hearts that we canceled his presentation, knowing that we had reached a milestone that we never wanted to happen. He was on what we referred to as the Tumor Fryer (I have a previous blog referring to that one here) and we were hoping for a miracle but realizing that miracles are few and far between. He had worked so hard to be invited to that event and it crushed him knowing that he couldn't participate. He decided not to go at all due to his speech issues.

The Empty Lectern

Having to cancel that presentation was, in some ways, an admission of defeat. An admission that the inevitable was happening. Something that we had staved off for far longer than any of his doctors though possible--all thanks to friends and family that supported us physically, financially, and emotionally. You have no idea how much you all helped, especially just knowing that someone was thinking about us and rooting us on.  (Are there onions being chopped in here? I feel onions.) Thank you all so much!

Memories of Beginnings

Just how did I meet my husband? I was clueless to his advances, despite his impressive skills at massage that he shared with me. So I remember well when I met him in my eyes. Not when I knew he had a Thing for me, just who he was. 

2010 Easter--not enough photos of both of us

Back in 2005 I was belly dancing, living on a good healthy diet, and walking everywhere on my college campus (which, admittedly, is small). So in short: I was built. I also was in a couple short acting skits that he was manning lights for. Cue the massages. In hindsight, a normal person would have taken this as being hit upon. Nope. Clueless. But I did look damn good in that cocktail dress I work for one of the skits.

One of my fellow actors invited us both to her house for a gathering which turned into more gatherings and a steady helping of bad movies, good company...and more of those sweet sweet massages.

But I was STILL clueless.

He asked me out once, but I turned him down as I was more focused on classes that were kicking my butt. (Calculus, I'm looking at you.) So we continued the gatherings and, unbeknownst to me, basically started going out with him on accident. Our first 'date' was actually instigated by one of the hosts of the gatherings much later on. At that point I realized that, no really, I was in a Relationship. Which confused me to no end since I never saw it coming. To be exact, I had never really been in a dedicated relationship before, so it was all new territory.

I have turned down quite a few people because I was an incorrigible flirt and had no intention of following through on the flirting. That is just how my friends and I played together. I still don't notice romantic/um...athletic attention, nor do I seek it out. I am quite happy to be a dog mom and ruler of my domain with no intention of changing that fact. Luckily my family is not pushing me to get married again or start up a relationship. They're fine with me as I am. 

But one thing I do miss is being more...I don't know...desirable? Yet I don't want the long-term attention, just a little encouragement that I have some attraction from the world. A push to my self-esteem as it were. And that is one reason that I am trying so hard, and sometimes stalling, at working toward a healthier me. Will I ever be in the shape I was when I was rock climbing, walking, belly dancing, and lifting weights? HAH! Nope. That's just too damn much work. But I want to see what I can do with what spoons I have. The gym workouts are happening. The damnable tendon damage and muscle use kicks in 48 hours post-exercising, but it will be worth it if it makes me stronger, more flexible, and--as a side effect--more toned. I want this for me, but there is that part of my mind that really wants it for, lets face it, attention. And I think that's perfectly fine so long as the other reasons come first.

A Comedy of Errors

I'm late to the game with this post, but I thought it was fun enough to get its own story.

Back on the 14th I decided to go north of town and watch the eclipse. Instead of staying in Albuquerque and seeing totality for several minutes, I took the easy way out and went just up the road to where I could see it for a short while...and avoid all of the Balloon Fiesta crazies at the same time. So I scooted 15 miles north to San Acacia and found a nice spot off the road to park and watch the action.

Now, I had my phone plugged into the car and was watching the sun at the same time. This should have been a red flag for me since the car engine was off. If I just turn the ignition to radio mode the car won't play from my phone. But nope. Instead I had it on the accessory mode with all sorts of electronics on. But I was enjoying the sights and thought nothing of it.

Until I went to start the engine after the eclipse. And it was too dead to turn over.

That's okay, I have my battery jumper in the back. I dug it out and got everything set up and pressed the button. I hopped back into the car and tried the engine again. Still dead. Crap. I scoped out the lights on my jumper to troubleshoot. But there were no lights to be had. It was deader than my car battery. Well huh. 

As I was cussing up and down for not charging the blasted jumper, a cowboy that could have been a twin to Sam Elliott drove up. He tipped his hat and commented, "Hood and hatch open. Looks to me like you may have a problem. Can I help?"

I explained the problem and gratefully accepted his help since I was fairly off the road and hard to see. My cell coverage was meager and I was desperate, though I hadn't had time for that desperation to kick in yet. Pissed off was more like it.

He hopped out of his truck and dug around where his jumper cables should have been. Nothing. His son had taken them out and never put them back. But he said he'd be right back after he snagged them from his house just down the road.

A suspicious length of time went by so I cooled my heels. Then I slapped my forehead as I remembered that I carry jumper cables in my emergency kit! I dug them out in case he couldn't find his, which was my guess as to why he was taking so long. That could have saved a lot of headache for everyone involved.

He came back with jumper cables in hand. They looked pretty rough. He explained that his were nowhere to be found so he borrowed a pair from his neighbor. So he hooked everything up and I tried to turn over the engine. 

Nope. Nothing. But I now had my (brand spankin' new) cables! He hooked those up and voila! Success! 

I apologized profusely for taking up his time and offered to pay for his troubles, which he declined--I was expecting it, but I always offer. Then he tipped his hat to me and off he went. I then got to appreciate just how lucky I was for the day, eclipse, podcasts, cussing, wonderful help, and a short road trip. It was a good day.

And the jumper is now charged.

Feast or Famine

Sometimes life tosses some serious feasting into your life. Read: The last week in September. Next up: Famine. Okay, so it is not exactly famine, but rather back to eating healthier. Feasting was the trip the week before last that landed me five pounds heavier AFTER allowing for water weight. Well, a week later of working on it and I have gotten rid of two of those pounds. My mental state is a little better knowing that I am making progress again. At the beginning of the year I was at my current weight--185. I made it all the way down to 173 in May and June and, thanks to a wonderful streak of exercise being brought to an end, it has all been uphill from there.

Back in the middle of the year my foot acted up enough that I was doing well to just walk across the parking lot, much less a mile or more. It landed me, ultimately, in an orthopedic walking boot for a couple weeks in September. After working my way back from that I am beginning to test the waters and trying to not make anything flare up again. I have been slow to put my toes in the water of exercise though. And my eating has been anything but healthy since June. 

I decided that it was my birthday month, I was the one who could do it, and it was time to fix the problem. I started to do that that this last week. Exercise didn't happen, but food control and portioning did. And that was enough to make a two-pound dent. Next up: continuing that and adding in exercise, even if only a little bit of it at a time. So back onto keto I go and I have my eyes on a new thing to try:

A gym membership that won't gather expensive dust.

This one would include a pool for when my joints are truly ticked and machines for a little bit of strength training. Maybe even, GASP!, a class or two since they are included in the monthly fee. That may even put in a bit of accountability to the whole thing. And my goal? Go once a week. Minimum, mind you, as more is encouraged. Just once a week instead of going out to eat. It should be just as good for my brainz as going out, but far healthier and cheaper. (Post-workout eating out damage is not included) On a secondary bonus there is a special going on for my birthday month...er...their anniversary of founding so the sign-on fee is pretty much waived. Happy Birthday to Me! My swimsuit set even still fits from the last time I was down at this weight (2018) so there is no outlay of time or money on the evil that is swimsuit shopping. (Having boobs may seem awesome, but apparel shopping is one area where they are most definitely a hindrance and not a feature.)

The Dark and Stormy Seas of Health

I can do this. I keep telling myself that I can and that I keep backsliding...except I haven't really. In 2020 I was 256.5 pounds and I have not seen that number since I started. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but most of those are due to physical ailments leading to mental ailments following closely behind. So I start once again. But not at 256.5. Not at 220. Or 200. 185.5 as of today. And how am I celebrating that? With a drink (a dark and stormy knockoff to be exact), carefully budgeted into my food for the day, knowing it will put me over where my calorie target is, but plenty near where I am comfortable with it being and knowing I have had the nutrition I need. And that's the key, moderation. And I am choosing to add rum into today's nutrition. Because I can. And if I don't splurge somewhere I will fall off the wagon in a hurry. So: rum.

If I Don't Kill It One Way...

 ...then I can sure find another way. On accident. 

I have been weed whacking around what I thought was a sunflower since the beginning of the season. It was just a hunch, but I have grown them before so I had a pretty good idea of what it was. I kept working around it, very carefully making sure to leave it space. I came back to the house after vacation and did my whacking just like before. Buried in the weeds was this pretty baby.

As seen from its original state

After I had all the yard beaten into submission I went back over to take a couple photos of my pet plant. And promptly dropped the weed whacker onto the plant. Flat out smooshed it to the ground and broke the stem. There was some cussing. But then I thought better about it. Why leave it unappreciated outside when I can take it inside and enjoy it for the life of the blooms! So I now give you my pet in its second life.

Because I can

I spent the last week of vacation convalescing with a cold. It was actually a good time to do it since I couldn't go out hiking like I normally do on vacations and I don't like dealing with the people of downtown Ruidoso. I go on vacation to places without people. Specifically, I go to places with trees and without people. This last one and its creek was ideal. I spent much of the time when I felt okay just sitting out by the creek and putzing on my laptop or phone.  I hooked up my Switch to play Zelda on the tv. I didn't even read because my brain was having trouble reading text on a page. My book remains mostly uncracked, despite having been on vacation. Heck, it even rained a couple times so I could just listen to the drops on the roof and the trees while I did absolutely nothing.

My rental host was worried about me and checked in on me to see if he could be of help. He even brought down some grilled hamburgers and fixings for me one night so I didn't have to cook. We talked back and forth and swapped stories on occasion, but he wasn't intrusive, just a good guy. He was awesome. For the most part, I bounced between the creek and the sofa bench in the trailer, followed by the bed with a pile of pillows. I was still on my crutches for a short time over the week, but the enforced downtime meant that I have been healing up better than I would have if I was home so I am completely off of them. (And 'downtime' is saying something since I can really be a sloth at my house.) I spent the week healing, in so many ways.

Now that I am back in the land of normal life I am decompressing from vacation mode and back into a place where I can be useful and keep up with things that just need done, want to or not. Weeds whacked. House vacuumed. And I'm still exhausted and have the cough, but nowhere near how I was the last week. I'll continue to heal. Reintegrate into society again. If I have to. I guess.

When Life Breaks, Fix It!

I fancy myself a little bit of a Jill-of-All-Trades. Plumbing is not one of those trades. Yesterday I found myself washing dishes and heard the distressing sound of water falling On things rather than Through pipes. What I saw when I opened the door was a soaked cabinet with almost all of its contents drenched. Now, it being a sink cabinet, hardly anything minded being doused, and a good half of it was nestled safely in the languishing dish rack I keep down there and not on the soaked cabinet floor. But I’m still on crutch/es and a big ol’ boot that restricts my movement and grace (what I have, that is). So, I emptied the cabinet and made sure everything was either wiped down or where it could dry before assessing the situation. There was evidence of where my lone mouse had set up shop many years ago along with a small trail of ants that had managed to survive the great culling from earlier this year. I didn’t clean the base of the cabinet because I was just out of spoons and my knees were killing me.

Lo and behold, the elbow pipe that connected to the sink drain had come loose.

Now I’m NOT a plumber. I can do some basics, but PVC piping is not one of them. Not a smidge. So, I put out a call on Facebook in distress on how to fix this when it was a Sunday, and no hardware stores were open. As it turned out, my loving brother-of-awesomeness helped me through the (two minute) fix. That was it. Two minutes. Maybe three if you count the creaking and cussing of me trying to get down to the sink level and back up again. And now everything is drying out completely for the next couple weekends before I jump the gun and end up with mold in there from putting things back on damp wood. No thank you. At least it was not a long-term leak with mold galore down there. I’ve had that happen in other houses and, man, is that a mess. And that was my plumbing crisis, lots of cussing and fretting all for a quick fix. I’ll take it.

And then there was the rest of the weekend, and fallout from the brain rollercoaster and body twisting while dealing with the sink.

I can get dumb and destructive. I stress. I hurt. I eat. Add in some sleepiness without tiredness and you have a masterclass recipe for self-destructive behavior. Such things as eating too much and sleeping too much or too little—or in my case going to bed way too late and waking up too late despite needing a regular schedule to stay something approaching sane. Heck, I threw caution to the wind and decided that it would be a good idea last week to just use the damnable CAM boot alone with no crutch at all for a day. Dumb AND destructive. I wondered why last Friday I still hurt when putting full pressure on the foot instead of blaming the sheer stupidity and lack of following directions. I focused on being good this weekend after that brief foray into dumb, with the exception of an unplanned house repair job. And it has been this way for a while.

But the rest of the ingredients from that recipe are still there and making life difficult for focusing on anything. Like I have probably said before, there is only so much willpower available for one person. When there is too much there to deal with, something—and probably several things—has to give. In this case it is eating (and general use, but that is a given with me as the first thing to go).

As some of you know, I’m following a keto diet and its been good for me and my health when I actually follow it, if nothing else than it keeps me out of the sweet treats. Yes, I know the drawbacks, and yes, I am willing to deal with them and stay with this long term. When I am at least staying on track carb-wise I don’t gain weight. I may not lose, but I don’t gain like I did earlier in the year and then have to take it all back off.  And I know how to do this. I stopped tracking what I ate a month ago. I didn’t always religiously track (though it does work better if I do), just so I could look back on earlier in the day and realize that I had in fact had enough food. I think it is time to get on that tracking train again since this stagnation is getting old. But I have been staying on the low carb aspect pretty darn well while not neglecting good things like veggies and fruits. And that is fine, but I am eating far too much. Only I can do something about that. I’m not sure I’m ready to act because I’m not sure I have the energy to do much more than make a valiant week-long effort followed by a spectacular and disheartening defeat. Been there. Done that. And right now I’m just holding on. 

I did a good thing for myself and went ahead with my platelet donation today at the cost of not being able to use one crutch—but I always feel better mentally afterward. (Call it a form of unintended self-sabotage as well.) And I just need to hold on for four days. Then a vacation starts that will hopefully be low-stress and easy on both the budget and waistline. Both things will require that oh-so-precious willpower and that may or may not break the spoon bank. Especially when physically taxed and already going into this mentally taxed. We shall see. Wish me luck!

Thinkin' Drinkin' (Tea) AKA More Memories

I have been doing some thinkin' drinkin' in the form of copious amounts of tea, hoping that the caffeine will keep me running smoothly. Which it mostly is. I do keep the purveyors of my addiction running with my support!

Volunteer Hollyhock

While contemplating the bottom of my mug and listening to the sounds of my tea kettle I mulled over the feelings I am getting from using the crutches that have mostly sat ignored in my shop since back in 2014ish. They only have had short one or two day stints out of their place. But they're there for when I need them. So why is this part of the thinkin' drinkin'? Because Jason was the one that convinced me to finally give in and admit that using two canes and ending up on the ground was just not acceptable anymore. Way back in 2010 (I had to look back to find out when it was) I was pretty much on them 24/7 except for short jaunts around the house. Every day. For three + years. I was darned and determined that I didn't want anything unless it was quiet and easy to use. It took him researching and me evaluating many different styles and we finally settled on one brand (SideStix for the record). Not cheap, but comfortable to use, durable, QUIET, and stylish to boot. 

And now they remind me of him. Why do simple sticks remind me so much of my late husband? They are just tools. Very useful and comfortable tools, mind you, but still tools. The answer: because I remember how long he researched what I needed, even when I didn't want to admit that I needed them. (It was that or a wheelchair, which I had already vetoed as much as possible because I couldn't get around the house in one)

So now I am dealing with a torrent of emotions from many different angles. And fighting a boot. And remembering just how many muscles crutches require--and how neglected my muscles have been as of late. I apparently have not forgotten how to walk with them, even after all these years. And they're not the blasted 'regular' crutches that people get here in the states, despite them being less stable and clunkier than anything else out there. I learned early on that the doc's 'suggestion' that I use and stay on crutches was well founded. I asked for more clarification while getting strapped into the device and he told me that, while I technically can walk on just the foot, it is a pointedly bad idea and would probably cause more problems to both sides of my body. Use the crutches. Keep it up. Heal better. Have to do it less in the future if it happens again. I like my doc. I can follow orders if it means that I don't have to do this again any time soon (or preferably ever!).

And I've got another week and a smidge in the boot and another two weeks using one or both crutches for another two weeks. I wonder how well Link will walk with me on crutches...he used to do it well. It will be interesting to find out! And by the end of it we both will come to an agreement. Not sure who will win out in this, but it will be attempted!

A Degree in Doing Nothing

 I have a week-long course in doing nothing. And yet not.

This last week I have spent at a tiny casita in the middle of nowhere (well, at least a half hour from a gas station). I had been looking forward to this for months, especially due to work stress, and it finally came to pass. 

Preparation

Several weeks ago the corner of my car got swiped by a trailer that turned to tightly. I got it into the shop a couple weeks ago and they said that it would be done by last Friday. No word on Thursday so I called in. I got a call on Friday: It wouldn't be ready until the coming Tuesday. That would have meant that I had to take the dog in his cage in the rental car and would be traversing two-lane gravel "highways" in a Corolla. I had it all loaded up, resigned to my fate (oh woe is me. I still had a rental car thanks to insurance), when I got a call from the garage: Loki, the Forester, was done! I had never unloaded a vehicle so fast as that car. I zoomed over to pick up my car and dump that evil car. I then proceeded to load my car just as fast as I had unloaded the rental. I can pack fast when I know everything is assembled!

Once I got that stress taken care of my brain was reeling from adrenaline, even into the next couple days. Because of that I actually forgot several things from my house when I loaded up the next day, despite having a list of things to pack. One of those things? My jacket. Sitting right under where my purse sat so I "wouldn't be able to forget it." Yup. Same thing with some of my food. I packed plenty, but just barely. But town's only a half hour away.

Useless Time

Upon getting to the casita, the landlady met me at my car and gave me the lay of the land. Cute little place for cheap that takes dogs and isn't in a city or large town. Heck, I think there are twenty houses in this "town" and I can walk from one end to the other in a half hour at a leisurely stroll. I like it!

I thought about my trip and my brain convinced me that I had done nothing while on vacation. Then I scolded that same brain. I had gone up to the Gila Cliff Dwellings and hiked both that (without Link due to rules) and a second trail with the dog. The next day I made my way to The City of Rocks and crisscrossed those towers.

The City of Rocks with a Pooch

The next day I just walked the length of town, followed by a long (for me) hike. That one about did us in. I knew going into it that it was going to be at the long end of our capabilities. We got about a quarter mile from the midpoint and were still gaining altitude. Link was starting to slow, but that is normal once he gets all out of piss. After water for both of us I stood up. He sat on my feet. I tried to go up the hill...and he went back down. Well then. I got the hint that this was one large "NOPE" from the dog and we were not going to continue up the hill. He happily led the way back to the car and needed a ramp to get up, but that is nothing new. But we both got in a good hike. 

The Wrap-up

So I did nothing if "nothing" means spending money or eating out. I even managed to get in some history with the Cliff Dwellings! Nothing includes YouTube, journaling, cooking, yelling at the dog (who is getting over a hotspot on his leg that he just now is out of a cone for), and overall relaxing. And I think I am relaxed now. Only took many days achieve that! Not looking forward to heading back into work, but everything has to end eventually. Now to think about what the next vacation will be... plotplotplot...

Balancing Act and Mr. Wile

Fearless Wile E. Coyote

Congratulations! It's February, and we made it through the first month of 2023. For me it lasted about twice as long as it should have, which isn't too bad compared to previous months. 

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wile E. Coyote who visited my parents' house this last week. While he looks small, he actually is a good 50% bigger than most of the coyotes in the area. This one looks like he had been transported from the East Mountains of the city. Highly healthy and fearless. He didn't even give me or the barking Link a passing glance as he walked five feet from the glass door on his way out of the yard. So now Link isn't allowed outside for long periods of time without supervision. So far the coyote has dragged a cat (parts of one) into the yard, so we know that he kills pets happily. Link in his slow state has little chance against Mr. Wile if it came down to a scuffle. I just hope that the coyote doesn't decide to kill the resident skunk (who comes almost daily to the yard) in the yard and leave a stench for years.

I'm not sure what February holds, but my goal is to have a healthy work/life balance. Which is hard for me. I am a people pleaser. And I have been so focused on work that I have been suffering mentally outside of the office. And that's no good for me, my friends, and even the office because that could lead me to burnout. Nobody wants me to fizzle. So I'm focusing on me a little more and what I need to do to keep me healthy.

That change of mindset includes walking most days and trying, TRYING, to eat reasonably (unlike last night). And that will help my mindset a bunch. At least I hope it will.

On the note of bettering myself, I managed a bunch of tasks yesterday and Thursday night. Cleaning up, organizing, throwing things away that nobody wants, giving away things that other people might want. And today I am dead. D.E.D. Dead. I'm not sure if the energy will hit me later today, but who knows. I hope I get enough mental/physical spoons to be able to get a walk in today. I am making it a priority, depending on spoons. I borrowed from today's stash to run my hamster wheel amount of activity yesterday. So we shall see.

For those interested, the dog is doing well. Still on pain meds in the morning, but taking supplements that should be kicking in soon. He's still sore, since he really doesn't want to play, but he is getting old, and that is just slowing him down I think. We'll be starting walks as soon as his new harness comes in so I don't yank his neck around. With how he likes to tug, we are going to have some training involved in teaching him how to walk at my side. Again. Been a while and never has worked that well. We'll learn together!

Work and my Adopted Grandma

I don't usually write about work, but something is happening that has me in tears.

Someone at my office, let's call her Grandma, has been there longer than anyone else here. She welcomed me with open arms since day one, even when my predecessor shat all over her. I taught her how to use a computer from "this is a mouse" to "Payroll's done" even with a crippled dominant hand. 

Anyway, she has a serious illness that just came to our attention yesterday. She waited to get help for a large growth because she was afraid of Covid. So she may not be coming back to work because, well, healing's a big deal and work can take a flying flip. I'm worried for her and her family.

On a related note, we need to keep things moving while she's not here, despite having no clue how she ran this ship in occasionally troubled waters. We are wondering how one woman in her 90s was able to stuff so much work into her few hours a week. We've got no clue how things are organized, much less how to do all but the basic tasks.

But the biggie? I have to come to the terms that nobody lives forever, despite wanting them to.

So all my fretting and stewing over the weekend about a reprimand (that never came) was for naught. It was taken over by far more important things. Far more troubling things.

Moral: live life to the fullest. And leave notes on how to run a tight ship. Or at least how to not sink a blow-up dinghy.

Tribulus Terrestris and Other Victims of My Rage

Goatheads. Nature's Caltrop. Tribbles. And while they spread like their Star Trek counterparts, these have no redeeming cuteness qualities. 

No. Not this type. Even he won't eat these abominations.

They and their other weedy counterparts fell at my hand last weekend. I succeeded in at least round 1 of the great culling. More will be needed on another weekend, but I put in a good showing with about a half a trash bag of those and the almost-as-vile silver-leafed nightshade with its sharp fine filaments that pass technically as spines. The damn spines made it all the way through my elk-hide gloves! I was...displeased.

It's been dry at my house, like dry enough that the drought-tolerant Russian thistles (still-alive tumble weeds) are having trouble growing. Good for me though, so long as I remember to water the plants that should be there. 

In other news, well...new to some people... Comcast is a pain in the *** to deal with, especially since I got to be on the line with seven (7) different representatives yesterday, only to get disconnected, much like what happened last week. Finally late last night I convinced them to fix their system right this time. Or at least to try. I loathe Comcast with a fiery burning passion, but they do provide a service that is required at the moment. Good friends even perked up a day that Comcast had ruined (never be on with customer service when on steroids).

Now life is good. Lunch has been had. And it should be smooth sailing for the next few hours. Or at least I can hope!

Dad is home so Link is spending most of his time either on Dad's lap or playing ball...or eating. Everything that Dad eats, so does the dog. I had just gotten Link down to a reasonable weight again. Oh well, it makes them both happy!

I'm managing to go the opposite direction from the dog. Still working on it and seeing success, so I will keep up the fight and even introduce exercise again! Slow steps. Lots of support from family, so that makes life much less difficult than it could be. And now lunch is over, so it is time to hang this up for the moment. 

Life is...

Strange. I have a mix of feeling that lead me to believe that I am in a pretty good space right now. That's a scary thought. It's something that I hesitate to type. But I'm going to, since it is a good thing to focus on the good sometimes.

I also found this pretty birdie. Meep! Meep!

I have plantar faciitis. I also have a freaking great podiatrist who is working me through getting rid of the dang problems. Two shots and a pair of crutches to get around and it should be getting better soon. I even had the forearm crutches from long ago when my arthritis was kicking up bad. Going to be able to walk (hopefully) by Monday, once the steroid crystals go away. Healing is a good thing.

My pooch has a (mostly) clean bill of health and clean teeth. The lump on his foot was benign. And, even though he had a seizure while he was under anesthesia, it was not something more serious. Link is even getting most of the time during the day outside of his Cone of Shame! (He's most happy about being able to play ball now.)

It's been a little over four weeks and I have lost 13.5 pounds. That's pretty impressive for someone who is on two meds that can cause weight gain. First week of shedding? Water. After that? Score! I'm focusing on not going overboard so that it is sustainable and safe. 13.5. Huh. After the foot is fixed I can get back into walking again. Maybe strength training, which I haven't done in years!

My 13th anniversary of my wedding was earlier this month. There was some sadness, as is to be expected, but most of it was looking back at a happy time. Five years we had, and most of it was spent well. Good times.

Finally, I have good friends. I may not see them for months at a time, but I still love them.

But now it is time to find something to eat that is healthier than cookies. I have a full pantry and yet don't want to cook. So many things like that to be thankful for. But I really should come up with dinner other than southwest eggs.

RAIN! DIRT!

Summer in the desert: Hot. Windy. Dry…And wet?

In short: Fires. Yup. The state is on fire, mostly thanks to the local Forest Service’s incompetence and mismanagement. But that is a rant for another day. But that does mean hefty smoke in some areas and a giant hope that monsoon season shows up soon. And it is supposed to—this weekend in fact. Even if I have to wipe off muddy paws, I’m happy to do it, and maybe even frolic in the drips if I get the urge (though probably not nekkid). It can’t come too soon for my liking.

Yesterday at work I got to play in DIRT! Yes, you read that right. I got to take care of our much-neglected houseplants, including my poor hibiscus that needed over half the bag of dirt to get it back up to where it needed to be. That bush (tree?) is my baby. It is the reason I have the small cozy office instead of the huge sterile one. That and the prolific philodendron keep me company in my cave.

In other news, I have mostly recovered from COVID-19. Just some slight taste changes, more joint pain, and a pretty hefty dose of fatigue. I escaped pretty darn well compared to others. Working is difficult for the last half of the day. I had to take my 15 minute break yesterday afternoon for a (alarm set) nap. I can’t wait for that to get better, though with how much I need naps in general I am not sure how long that is going to take. But breaks are awesome and I can get in 10 minutes of sleep out of those 15 and that is enough to tide me over till I get back to the house. Dear naps: I love you. Be patient with me.

Getting Political and Sensical

Let's just get this out here while I'm on a rant. 

I can't be compelled by the law to give blood to a dying person, even if my special blood is needed for their special body. My organs can't be harvested to save other people's lives without my prior consent, families' desires be damned..

So why is it that I (the general "I", not me. That would take some serious work.) could be legally compelled to carry another person/being without my consent?  Even if that person would die due to my actions/inactions? 

Would I get an abortion electively? No. But I am only me. I don't hold it against other people who wish to do so since that is their choice for their bodies. This is about autonomy, pure and simple. When live uteri have less legal standing than blood and DEAD organs, we have a problem. A big problem. AND I AM LIVID! Heck, a donated uterus could have more rights than that same uterus in another person! 

But there's my rant. Opinionate from here so should you choose.