Holidays are Bittersweet

I'm always leery of what my brain is going to do with holidays. Sometimes they are just like any other day and other times I get hit with a brick to the brain. Thanksgiving, humble though this year was, reminded me of chosen-family celebrations from long ago. When we each took a dish and ran with it. Jason? Tasty tasty dinner rolls. Me? Usually pecan pie with nuts held together with a tiny bit of maple-flavored goo. Not low calorie, to say the least. And then there were all the other dishes which we started in on in the afternoon and continued to feast upon throughout the night. 

Not My Pie. Mine Was Better.

Silliness ensued, of course. I don't remember if there was booze, but I am guessing that there was--and before you get any ideas, I don't remember because of the time since then, not because I was pickled. Maybe. So-called shirtless o'clock probably hit around dark with a pile of us on the floor/couch watching a bad movie or playing Guitar Hero. And all the bad and raunchy jokes we could come up with. There were many.

But those times are gone. Left behind are the good memories to carry onward. And that is okay. I hold onto those memories and stash them for darker times. Times when my brain can't hold onto the light. So I shove the good memories into my consciousness to try to force out the bad. It usually helps, so I call that a win.

So carry on, declare shirtless o'clock, and tease those around you mercilessly while eating all the good food loving family can create.

The Empty Lectern

This time of year is when Jason started really declining. 10.5 years since he passed, but the slow progression of his cancer really became evident at this point in the year. But I am healing over time. And it also brings up hard memories that I also cherish just as much as the good. 

One example is when he was supposed to deliver a presentation to the IEEE conference in Santa Fe in December of 2012. He wanted so badly to go, but his speech and cognition was just not there enough anymore for a live presentation. I offered to be his spokesperson, but we both knew that it was just not going to happen. It was with heavy hearts that we canceled his presentation, knowing that we had reached a milestone that we never wanted to happen. He was on what we referred to as the Tumor Fryer (I have a previous blog referring to that one here) and we were hoping for a miracle but realizing that miracles are few and far between. He had worked so hard to be invited to that event and it crushed him knowing that he couldn't participate. He decided not to go at all due to his speech issues.

The Empty Lectern

Having to cancel that presentation was, in some ways, an admission of defeat. An admission that the inevitable was happening. Something that we had staved off for far longer than any of his doctors though possible--all thanks to friends and family that supported us physically, financially, and emotionally. You have no idea how much you all helped, especially just knowing that someone was thinking about us and rooting us on.  (Are there onions being chopped in here? I feel onions.) Thank you all so much!

Memories of Beginnings

Just how did I meet my husband? I was clueless to his advances, despite his impressive skills at massage that he shared with me. So I remember well when I met him in my eyes. Not when I knew he had a Thing for me, just who he was. 

2010 Easter--not enough photos of both of us

Back in 2005 I was belly dancing, living on a good healthy diet, and walking everywhere on my college campus (which, admittedly, is small). So in short: I was built. I also was in a couple short acting skits that he was manning lights for. Cue the massages. In hindsight, a normal person would have taken this as being hit upon. Nope. Clueless. But I did look damn good in that cocktail dress I work for one of the skits.

One of my fellow actors invited us both to her house for a gathering which turned into more gatherings and a steady helping of bad movies, good company...and more of those sweet sweet massages.

But I was STILL clueless.

He asked me out once, but I turned him down as I was more focused on classes that were kicking my butt. (Calculus, I'm looking at you.) So we continued the gatherings and, unbeknownst to me, basically started going out with him on accident. Our first 'date' was actually instigated by one of the hosts of the gatherings much later on. At that point I realized that, no really, I was in a Relationship. Which confused me to no end since I never saw it coming. To be exact, I had never really been in a dedicated relationship before, so it was all new territory.

I have turned down quite a few people because I was an incorrigible flirt and had no intention of following through on the flirting. That is just how my friends and I played together. I still don't notice romantic/um...athletic attention, nor do I seek it out. I am quite happy to be a dog mom and ruler of my domain with no intention of changing that fact. Luckily my family is not pushing me to get married again or start up a relationship. They're fine with me as I am. 

But one thing I do miss is being more...I don't know...desirable? Yet I don't want the long-term attention, just a little encouragement that I have some attraction from the world. A push to my self-esteem as it were. And that is one reason that I am trying so hard, and sometimes stalling, at working toward a healthier me. Will I ever be in the shape I was when I was rock climbing, walking, belly dancing, and lifting weights? HAH! Nope. That's just too damn much work. But I want to see what I can do with what spoons I have. The gym workouts are happening. The damnable tendon damage and muscle use kicks in 48 hours post-exercising, but it will be worth it if it makes me stronger, more flexible, and--as a side effect--more toned. I want this for me, but there is that part of my mind that really wants it for, lets face it, attention. And I think that's perfectly fine so long as the other reasons come first.

A Comedy of Errors

I'm late to the game with this post, but I thought it was fun enough to get its own story.

Back on the 14th I decided to go north of town and watch the eclipse. Instead of staying in Albuquerque and seeing totality for several minutes, I took the easy way out and went just up the road to where I could see it for a short while...and avoid all of the Balloon Fiesta crazies at the same time. So I scooted 15 miles north to San Acacia and found a nice spot off the road to park and watch the action.

Now, I had my phone plugged into the car and was watching the sun at the same time. This should have been a red flag for me since the car engine was off. If I just turn the ignition to radio mode the car won't play from my phone. But nope. Instead I had it on the accessory mode with all sorts of electronics on. But I was enjoying the sights and thought nothing of it.

Until I went to start the engine after the eclipse. And it was too dead to turn over.

That's okay, I have my battery jumper in the back. I dug it out and got everything set up and pressed the button. I hopped back into the car and tried the engine again. Still dead. Crap. I scoped out the lights on my jumper to troubleshoot. But there were no lights to be had. It was deader than my car battery. Well huh. 

As I was cussing up and down for not charging the blasted jumper, a cowboy that could have been a twin to Sam Elliott drove up. He tipped his hat and commented, "Hood and hatch open. Looks to me like you may have a problem. Can I help?"

I explained the problem and gratefully accepted his help since I was fairly off the road and hard to see. My cell coverage was meager and I was desperate, though I hadn't had time for that desperation to kick in yet. Pissed off was more like it.

He hopped out of his truck and dug around where his jumper cables should have been. Nothing. His son had taken them out and never put them back. But he said he'd be right back after he snagged them from his house just down the road.

A suspicious length of time went by so I cooled my heels. Then I slapped my forehead as I remembered that I carry jumper cables in my emergency kit! I dug them out in case he couldn't find his, which was my guess as to why he was taking so long. That could have saved a lot of headache for everyone involved.

He came back with jumper cables in hand. They looked pretty rough. He explained that his were nowhere to be found so he borrowed a pair from his neighbor. So he hooked everything up and I tried to turn over the engine. 

Nope. Nothing. But I now had my (brand spankin' new) cables! He hooked those up and voila! Success! 

I apologized profusely for taking up his time and offered to pay for his troubles, which he declined--I was expecting it, but I always offer. Then he tipped his hat to me and off he went. I then got to appreciate just how lucky I was for the day, eclipse, podcasts, cussing, wonderful help, and a short road trip. It was a good day.

And the jumper is now charged.

Who am I Again?

Good darn question. There are days I question my sanity. Then there are weeks where I question it. The past two weeks have been in that vein, especially the last week. So what's wrong? The upcoming trip, of course, is weighing heavily on me, though it is nothing out of the ordinary for me. And the rest of life is pretty darn stable. So why am I not? Chemistry. Better or worse living through chemistry, I am almost certain. And that's just how it is going to have to be for the next week, then I can work on lowering stress and futzing with the chemistry side of things.

On a different note, this week I took stock of the people in the gym, both at my normal spot and one closer to the middle of town that was right across the road from my doc. I saw three women, myself included, when I was treadmilling at my normal spot (2 pm) and only one other woman at the different location (3 pm). None of the women were on strength training equipment. The rest were mostly semi-buff men. Things I didn't notice when I signed up. So I'm a wee bit intimidated, but determined to get out on the floor and do my best. On a good note, the strange acting chemistry has me motivated to go to the gym when I can.

I have the much-put-off trainer visit today, assuming all goes well. Today and tomorrow in fact...which now that I think of it may be a bad idea to be sore on the road. Oh well. I will have earned it and have something to distract me from the miles. I have no idea what to expect except for learning about where I am right now and maybe a short foray into the machines. It's only a 30 minute session, which isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. I have two more after this.

Oh yes, and when I first got my evaluation from a trainer, included in the membership price, they suggested two to three trainer sessions A WEEK. At $65 a pop. There was a special for the first three, hence, I have them. But each week? *Pfft!* That ain't gonna happen. I just want to be able to use the machines correctly so I am not relegated to treadmills (which I have at both homes) and the pool (which is nice and all, but I really need strength training). If I have to use YouTube to learn how to use them I will. Not the best idea, but it will work in a pinch. So I am going to be using the facilities to the best of my ability. Whatever that is. And I wonder if I will still have this energy after the great medicine futz.

Threatened with the Inevitable

Late last week we got bad news about my grandmother. The doctor was recommending that she go on hospice care. She hasn't been getting better after her hip surgery and is mentally declining. 

BUT

After that suggestion she suddenly started to get better. With the aid of a little pain meds she has been working on moving around and breathing better. When threatened with the inevitable, sometimes that is a push to defy time. So she currently isn't on hospice, though she has round-the-clock care that is probably better than what she would have in an inpatient care facility. And she's in a home setting with that care--not her original home, but a home that is not a facility. And usually she would have Grandpa there with her. However, that got interrupted this week after only a few weeks of her being back with him.

He has health problems, that is known. And he's had trouble breathing on and off for the last many months. This week it was bad enough that he used Grandma's oxygen machine (the extra one that would not deprive her of her own air) of his own volition before finally admitting defeat and going back to the ER. Once there they tried to find out what is going on. 

They found one of the problems: 1.5 LITERS of fluid in one of his lungs. It can be pretty hard to breathe with one full water balloon taking up space in your chest cavity and only one squished lung that works at all. So they got rid of that and all of a sudden he could breathe unassisted again. He's still in the hospital while they figure out just why it happened. Hopefully he will be out soon with a fixable answer.

Grandpa with Link in 2014

On that note, Mom and I are heading back up to see them both this weekend in another whirlwind trip from Saturday to Monday (Maybe Tuesday). We'll see how it goes. Only a small chance of snow, but we're taking the cold-weather gear just in case. And it's supposed to be lows in the teens in South Dakota so we're going to want it for there anyway.

In other news, I am on the way to a healthier me and it is going well, though so far I have only taken advantage of the pool due to my unfamiliarity with the weight machines. That will come over the next two weeks with the trainer (which has been getting pushed back quite a few times due to scheduling issues on both sides). So I swim. 

Especially when I remember to take my bag in the morning. I have made it a point to take it with me, but twice out of the the past two weeks I have managed to forget it--that second time being today. Last time I had to get back to the gym because I had an appointment with the trainer. Today? Not so much. I am am striving to not Nope-out of going back to the gym after getting home. I shouldn't have too much of a problem now that I have a secret weapon: my swim headphones. I swear that whoever developed bone-conducting technology must have been either hard of hearing or a swimmer. Yesterday I tried them out for the first time and found myself NOT looking at the clock and instead just paddling away while listening to (loud) rock music. Instead of 30 minutes of gee-I-should-keep-going I suddenly looked up and found myself 20 minutes over my goal. Score! So I think that will help keep me going a little easier. Also I can wear the gadget while lifting and such while still being able to hear what is going on around me. Double score!

So I will be exercising when I can, traveling when I have to, and trying to eat reasonably overall. I want to get back below 180 by the end of November. That's three pounds. I can do that. Or I will just take the time my body needs, if that be what is necessary. We'll see.

I Took the Plunge

After much deliberation and musing and hemming and hawing, I did it. I bought a year's worth of gym membership. This includes classes and pool too, though the classes are mostly geared toward those in much better shape than I am. And the big classes aren't offered when I need to be there anyway (which sucks). 

Next Tuesday I have an assessment appointment with a trainer to see where I am, where I want to be, and how best to get to get there. After that there are a few one-on-one trainer sessions that I paid for that will teach me how to use the weight machines since that is what I am seriously lacking, especially for my knees and Entire Upper body. All of it. But that comes after the assessment.

But. I did indeed take another plunge.

These are not my pasty white legs

Literally. In a pool. With old people. Some of whom could kick my butt. Then I added in the highest challenge of water barbells on my first time. Like those frail old people probably could, the class did indeed kick my butt. At least my arms got some serious workout, legs less so. The little bit of lap swimming helped as well. And I'm tired from it too. Meds are on board now for confused muscles. But I can only do those classes on rare occasions since it is at 8 am MWF and I am at work on Wednesday, and home Monday and Friday. But I know how to use the barbells now, and the lap swim is almost always available at the time I would be there.

And now I have plans to use the gym twice a week--something that will keep me from going out to eat as much as I do and that alone will pay for the membership. It ain't cheap (it isn't that expensive either), but it should be well worth it.

So now I get to make myself carry the gym bag in the car so I have no reason to skip out on necessary activity. I'll have to take it into the office with me on hot days, but it will be worth it! Wish me luck that I can keep up on this and make the use worth what I pay for.