Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

I miss you both, especially you, Old Man.

When Grandma died this summer I was sad. But it was time. She hadn't been herself for years since the accident caused by an underage teen t-boning Grandpa and Grandma's car. She just faded and got mean. It was time. 

But Grandpa's passing was more difficult. Much more. That hardy submariner grabbed at every minute he had left. For the last year he needed liters of fluid drawn off of his lungs every week. And most days he wanted to be in this world. Yes, 92 years were taking their toll on his mind, but he never ceased being him to the very end. The rest of his friends and family were gone. The younger family, other than my dad--the son-in-law--were at least 900 miles away. But we tried to go up when we could. Stressful, but good.

Was he always nice? Reference: submariner. To quote the priest who gave a sermon for him,  "If you wanted his opinion, he'd give it to you. If you didn't, well, you'd get it anyway." You may not like it, but you knew where you stood. He and I spent time just relaxing outside on various porches talking about life. We didn't always agree, and hell, if it was politics or religion I guarantee we didn't. And yet, we'd (normally) just kibbutz and have a good time. I miss those chats and stories. Boy did he have a lot of awesome stories!

I didn't realize how much I miss that old coot until Saturday. Looking up at the burl-base lights he made long long ago clicked something in my brain. I wanted one of those chats. Him with his scotch and water, me with just water. I never did drink booze with him. But last night, meds be damned, I had a swig for him. Not scotch. Um... Kinky Pink. He would not have approved of either the name or the frufru-ness. Which makes it even better! (Or maybe he would. If I recall correctly, Grandma liked the bottled cooler version of the drink.) So we shared a drink. 

And that will have to suffice. I wish I would have pulled every story out of his memory, embellished or not, and written them down. I think I'm going to have to do that for the ones I do remember. And I'm going to keep the lights on. They make me smile. As much as he drove me crazy, Fox News and all, I loved him so much. Grandma too, but he held highest honors. Here's to you, Gramps!

It's Been a Long Three Months

Hey there! I do exist! I swear! I'm working on getting less bat shit insane, but I'm finally going to give y'all an update, and boy, is this going to be an update. It may need two posts. From my phone. Forgive my probable grammar and spelling mistakes. 

Now, how I'm going to go about this is going to be rapid-fire at first, then I'll break it down later.

October went fine, with only a few hiccups but nothing major or out of character. November? Not so much. So here we go: 

1. I made a mistake at work that left me in question to whether I had a job--for weeks. 
2. Link started acting stranger than usual. Unable to sit still, non-stop whining and pacing. Perfectly fine during the day. I got no sleep and he declined. Took him to vet. Not much they could do but give him pain meds and hope for the best.
3. Started the drive to South Dakota with Mom and the dog. And I ran over somebody's big dog on the interstate. Killed the dog, did lots of damage to the car (mostly covered by insurance). Limped the car home and let Mom go north without me. Really glad Link had his seatbelt on.
4. That weekend Link went off the deep end, snapping at me, tearing things up, repeating the weekend before but worse. It was time.
5. The following Monday I put him to sleep. He even got a full order of McNuggets before I said goodbye. Damn, do I miss that dog. 
6. Said that nobody else is allowed to die, nothing's allowed to break, November was still salvageable. 
7. Heh. 
8. That Thanksgiving week I got the call that Grandpa had died in his sleep. Crap. Family decided that he could chill till next week when traveling was safe enough to drive up and have the funeral. 
9. Thanksgiving weekend a sewer pipe in my house cracked. Not a big deal day to day with how the house is made or where I am in the line. But it wasn't (isn't) going to be cheap.
10. Eating was becoming difficult as nausea has kicked up and innards committed mutiny.
11. Traveled to SD for the funeral which was nice but really stressful with my declining body and outside stress making it worse every day. Cleaned out (some) clothes from the grandparents' house. And about 100 pairs of my grandmother's shoes. 
12. Rode home with Dad so I could go back to work (when I found that I did indeed still have a job).
13. Found out that I had lost over 20 pounds since the beginning of November on accident and still losing. 
14. Also found out that the nausea was... psychosomatic caused by stress. The difficulty eating probably is too, but I'm still working on that. 
15. Aaaand... we're back to less stress. There's still quite a bit there, but nothing in comparison to the last month.

Which brings me to the end of the year. Nothing more was allowed to break (too late), or anybody to die (still good), or, or, or.

With that, I'll leave you with a photo of Link's final (for now) resting place in front of a lamp made by my late grandfather.

The Opposite of Shrinking

Since the beginning of the year I have been gradually been slipping back up. 175ish at my lowest up to 206 today. Stress has made it much worse over the last month, but that is no excuse for me eating that much. The out of town activity and plantar fasciitis has kept me out of the gym, so that isn't helping either. And I'm struggling. I was doing keto up until when I stopped in February. Travel pretty much sent me into a spiral of "I'll get back on it tomorrow" lapses. 

So now my body is getting bigger, my innards are constantly unhappy, and my joints are ticked off. One thing that I know can make a difference in the last two is getting off of the massive amounts of gluten and wheat in general that I eat. When my husband was still alive I was on a strict gluten-free diet to keep my innards calm. While that helps my gut, it also tends to lessen my eating out and binging on sweet carby goodness at work and gatherings without being as restrictive as keto. It is worth a shot since I already know how to work it.

I am thinking that the sheer amount of sugar and artificial sweeteners may be contributing to the gut upset. Cutting back on sugar and cutting the artificial ones out completely has helped I think, but there is still problems. No magic bullet so far. I am grasping at food straws. Something has to be a culprit to being chained to the bathroom. At least stevia and monk fruit drops shouldn't cause problems and are great for my morning tea. 

So I'm frustrated. A heck of a lot heavier, a heck of a lot more gut issues, and a heck of a lot of anger at myself for giving in to eating too much.

From one of those road trips

Plans and Peets

I had grand plans for this weekend. It was supposed to be cool and comfortable with no rain and minimal wind. Score! Camping weekend! I got all the food assembled and cooked for ease of use. I packed up the car. I made sure that the house was in order. This morning I finished up packing all but the food and had a hunch to check the weather once more. Dammit. The wind was set to be 15-20 mph steady and 30-35 mph gusts tomorrow and a chance of thunderstorms. Windy today. I don't like camping in wind. I really don't like taking down or putting up tents in wind. I had said that I was darned and determined to go out. But nope. With a sad heart I unpacked and piled the goods back into the house. *sigh* I haven't been out since the spring when it got too hot to tolerate. Best laid plans of mice.

A background of me and camping: I do not pack light. I pack for comfort. This includes a beefy cot and double pads. A tall 4-person tent for me and the dog. Stove, full propane tank, and a full file box of kitchen gear. I do NOT pack light. It is a way for me to disconnect from work, people, and the internet/phone coverage. I do keep a solid hold on books stashed in my bag and on my phone with solar charging panels and battery banks. Books. That is my main form of entertainment while out. But, alas, that was not to be this weekend.

Not a small tent. And not this weekend.

But next week looks good. Maybe next week.

In other news, my grumpy peet (foot) was constrained to a CAM boot for two weeks last month. I thought my foot was all better, or at least I was hoping that. But after short 15 minute walks it is acting up again. Ice bottles are my friends. I am just going to consider it as a permanent thing and just keep doing the maintenance exercises and stretching and hoping for the best. If it gets worse, fine. I'll go back to the doc. But a different doc. Second opinion time.

As for the cluster**** that was the week before last, all but the medical insurance is taken care of now. It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it was going to be to get fixed. Even work is going okay!

Dog is in a holding pattern. He is still able to get onto his couch by himself. He needs a sling to get up the ramp and into the car, but that is minor. I have booties for him when walking on concrete because he drags his back feet somewhat that wears his nails thin. Rugs all around the house help him keep his footing. He will be here as long as he wants to be here. But for now? Cuddle bug! Or speed bump since he is laying in the middle of the walkway.

And now? Trying to not eat everything in sight. Time to take the body back under 200 pounds, up from my latest low of 180 ish. My joints in general are unhappy. So I will do what I need to do to safely get there

All Hell Broke Loose

And has mostly been battled back into its place. Hold on, folks, this is going to be a long one. Weekend before last I went with my mother on a quick five-day road trip to South Dakota to visit Dad and Grandpa. It is a thirteen/fourteen-hour trip that we split between ourselves to get there in one piece. Normally no major issues.

Until.

Halfway between NM and SD a check engine light on my car went on. I tried the quick fixes that I knew that we could do on the way up. Then the temperature sensor went on at the same time. Nothing we could do, but it wasn't brining up the "HEY, IDIOT! Stop driving!" flash, so we went on since I know there is a Subaru garage in Rapid City. I immediately took it to the garage where they got it in as soon as possible. But that meant that we were down a vehicle with only Dad's monster truck to drive, and Grandpa can't get into that short of a crane. They weren't going to get it in until Tuesday--which was when we were supposed to get home, not just starting the drive. So I fretted and stewed. Eventually it was brought to my attention that I get loaner vehicles when I have work done at the shop at home. Maybe they would have one there? Lo and behold! Success! That way Dad could take the loaner while Mom and I took Grandpa's Outback to NM and still have a vehicle that Gramps could get into and out of without ending up in the ER.  That left the repair cost, which could be an arm, a nose, a leg, or the whole shebang. I got the call that I was dreading halfway home: it was fixed. And the cost? Free! Well, other than getting it back to NM. (Dad even drove all the way to NM to trade out vehicles instead of me needing to meet him halfway.) Subaru had a rider warranty on the part as a known flaw. I wonder what the cost would have been if I had the work done at a non-Subaru garage. 

As a second issue, I had never heard from my extended warranty people that I may have needed to afford the car work (that thankfully never had a bill). I emailed. I called. I begged. I eventually (today!) got a response back that I am actually covered with no additional issues. I was pissed that it took them that long to get back to me. But knowing it is in place makes me feel better. Another thing off the list.

The day we arrived in SD I got an electronic notice from New Mexico Medicaid. My coverage had been cancelled because USPS managed to lose my paperwork. So the solution was to reapply and wait for them to get it processed and a new card sent out, which they warned could take 30-40 days. That meant that meds and doctor appointments were put on hold with time to fret and stew that I might end up in the ER or need something expensive over the next month (some of my meds are damned pricey). But I got the application and only could wait. Halfway through last work week I got the quick notice that they had accepted my application and I would just have to wait for my new cards to arrive and I would be good to go. That was a lot of headache that won't be happening again since from now on I am getting a tracking receipt for my paperwork. Live, learn, then get leverage.

That left Grandpa. He's getting one to two liters of fluid taken off of his lungs a day due to the much-advertised mesothelioma. His port for draining keeps plugging up and he is needing more put in as of late. We had a good visit, not even too much nagging or news. No network news, as a matter of fact, which is a great weight lifted off of my mind. The day we left he needed another port put in, just a few days after his last one. Everyone was worried. But now it seems to be working, and we don't have another emergency trip up.

It appears that things have mostly smoothed over, just awaiting my medical cards. Probably will be going up again in October for a longer visit. But that is for next month, whenever I can get around coworkers' schedules. Link is all ready to get on another road trip and to check out the deer in the back yard. And to hop on pop. Even if he does need a boost to get on the couch occasionally. And I am happy to have life settling into a calmer status. (Maybe enough to go camping next weekend!)

Ready for a Road Trip

On Baristas, Boots, and Belligerent Bellies

I spent 8 am to 2 pm in Silver City just exploring and learning while the dog stayed home and chilled. My first stop was to an eclectic coffee shop that looked like it was pulled directly from some Alaskan hippie shop. And it was positively wonderful! Oiled wood with burls supported the ceiling and polished paneling on the walls Eclectic art hung from the ceiling with paintings on the walls, as well as vintage games, made the place feel nice and homey. Lots of space to chill on the three levels of seating (small amount of seating, but you had your choice of space to sit. The had lots of baked goods and coffee that smelled heavenly. They also had a large assortment of tea that they bag themselves for purchase by the mug. I saw a heavenly thing: a gluten free cheesecake and chocolate brownie! I've been successfully testing out if my body is reacting poorly to gluten again. It seems that cutting it out is working wonders for my unhappy innards, so I am running with it. I snagged the goodie and a black coffee and munched my way through breakfast. Just across the road was the town museum, which was pretty cool too.

Tranquilbuzz Coffee

I learned that the local mine (Chino--the third largest open-pit copper mine) had gotten rid of their smelter in 2002. That means that I was one of the last people to see it in operation when I visited in 2002 for a college field trip. I can still remember the heat off of pouring metal and the huge elctroplated panels ready for shipping. Then there was the gatorade-blue colored solution that gave off fumes so bad that my nose smelled copper and sulfur for the next two weeks. It was a great trip that made me appreciate the entire facility as somewhere I would rather not work. The mine itself was an awesome learning experience too. I didn't even come up to the hubcap on the big trucks. But the smelter was the highlight of the trip. It was also the trip that I learned that I never wanted my college advisor to drive a van around twisty turny roads again. The next time I drove myself.

After a trip down memory lane, I snaked my way back through downtown to the local hippie-mart to snag overpriced goods for the rest of the week. I will shop local when I can, and they had lots of the gluten-free goodies that I was looking for (like bread. I have been craving bread and I knew that they had some I could happily eat), in addition to local produce. Then it was time to go rescue the dog from the incoming thunderstorm and do laundry, which I hung inside since the rain was coming in. Then it was time to just listen to videos and chill out while the rain fell.

Over the last two years I have been battling foot issues, with the worst offender being plantar fasciitis. A little over a year ago I was in a walking boot for the foot and that cleared up part of the problem. Fast forward a year and several cortisone shots later and I am back to having problems. I spent two weeks in the boot again to see if that would help keep me out of surgery. It seems to have helped, now that I have gotten used to being on my own level feet again. The foot pain is still there though. I have a podiatrist appointment in two weeks to see as a second opinion if I should go through with the surgery. I am leaning toward no right now. Hoping for the best and doing all my exercises like a good girl until then.

So now I am spending the day eating and doing as little as humanly possible. No hikes thanks to the dog being too lame to do them anymore and I don't want to go out alone. I am considering it as a healing time for the foot and brains. And I have once again forgotten my tea. It is now lukewarm. Just means that I will have to chug it and make more!

A Vacation to Nowhere...

 ...and nothing.

I am making it a point this week while on vacation to do as little as possible with the time I have. Work is on notice that I would rather not be bothered. Parental units know that I may or may not have phone coverage while I am out here. And it's great! I've been here three nights so far, with four more to go. I have left the house to take Link for short walks, avoiding the burrs as I went--though he was certain that he wanted to take a chance and piss on the burr plants! He apparently has no intention on self-preservation.

Him with his stylishly day-glow booties

Speaking of the dog, he's had quite a decline in health. With a diagnosis of degenerative myelopathy a few months ago, he is doing rather well for the condition. I have been grasping at things I can do to keep him up and running. My vet offers acupuncture for dogs, so, while I didn't get any benefit from it when I tried it, Link seems to be doing well on it since his decline has been slower than expected. Unfortunately, the condition is progressive and unable to be cured. Probably only a few months, but he will let me know when it's time. Knowing that he isn't in pain from it makes a big difference in my mind. Walking like he is drunk is rather cute, if not frustrating to him when he plunks down with a grunt. He's dragging his back paws quite a bit now, so I bought a new pair of shoes for him. Probably will have to get different ones that don't give his toes too much traction on pavement and gravel. He's really unsteady on his hind end, so I have rugs strewn around the house to give him a steady path. He also gets a boost up the ramp into the car with a sling that my coworker gave me. We will work with it day by day.

Poor pooch was not thrilled with the thunderstorm we had today. It wasn't long, but he was back hiding in the bathroom, squished into the foot-wide area between the tub and vanity, until it passed. But he got over it quick. Now it is raining again, but without the lights and booms, so he is happy to be down by my feet on his cushy blanketed spot.

So yes, it is raining. We will be putting off his nightly run until the chance of wet-dog-stench is lessened. Besides, the later we go out at night mean the later I can sleep in! I have a book of short stories by Sir Terry Pratchett that I am currently consuming before bed. No real reading outside of online during the day. 

And tomorrow whenever Link wakes me up for his duties I will get up and shower, then lock him away so I can take a jaunt into Silver City for breakfast/museum/groceries. That will be my main thing to do on this trip. And that's enough for me!