The Opposite of Shrinking

Since the beginning of the year I have been gradually been slipping back up. 175ish at my lowest up to 206 today. Stress has made it much worse over the last month, but that is no excuse for me eating that much. The out of town activity and plantar fasciitis has kept me out of the gym, so that isn't helping either. And I'm struggling. I was doing keto up until when I stopped in February. Travel pretty much sent me into a spiral of "I'll get back on it tomorrow" lapses. 

So now my body is getting bigger, my innards are constantly unhappy, and my joints are ticked off. One thing that I know can make a difference in the last two is getting off of the massive amounts of gluten and wheat in general that I eat. When my husband was still alive I was on a strict gluten-free diet to keep my innards calm. While that helps my gut, it also tends to lessen my eating out and binging on sweet carby goodness at work and gatherings without being as restrictive as keto. It is worth a shot since I already know how to work it.

I am thinking that the sheer amount of sugar and artificial sweeteners may be contributing to the gut upset. Cutting back on sugar and cutting the artificial ones out completely has helped I think, but there is still problems. No magic bullet so far. I am grasping at food straws. Something has to be a culprit to being chained to the bathroom. At least stevia and monk fruit drops shouldn't cause problems and are great for my morning tea. 

So I'm frustrated. A heck of a lot heavier, a heck of a lot more gut issues, and a heck of a lot of anger at myself for giving in to eating too much.

From one of those road trips

On Baristas, Boots, and Belligerent Bellies

I spent 8 am to 2 pm in Silver City just exploring and learning while the dog stayed home and chilled. My first stop was to an eclectic coffee shop that looked like it was pulled directly from some Alaskan hippie shop. And it was positively wonderful! Oiled wood with burls supported the ceiling and polished paneling on the walls Eclectic art hung from the ceiling with paintings on the walls, as well as vintage games, made the place feel nice and homey. Lots of space to chill on the three levels of seating (small amount of seating, but you had your choice of space to sit. The had lots of baked goods and coffee that smelled heavenly. They also had a large assortment of tea that they bag themselves for purchase by the mug. I saw a heavenly thing: a gluten free cheesecake and chocolate brownie! I've been successfully testing out if my body is reacting poorly to gluten again. It seems that cutting it out is working wonders for my unhappy innards, so I am running with it. I snagged the goodie and a black coffee and munched my way through breakfast. Just across the road was the town museum, which was pretty cool too.

Tranquilbuzz Coffee

I learned that the local mine (Chino--the third largest open-pit copper mine) had gotten rid of their smelter in 2002. That means that I was one of the last people to see it in operation when I visited in 2002 for a college field trip. I can still remember the heat off of pouring metal and the huge elctroplated panels ready for shipping. Then there was the gatorade-blue colored solution that gave off fumes so bad that my nose smelled copper and sulfur for the next two weeks. It was a great trip that made me appreciate the entire facility as somewhere I would rather not work. The mine itself was an awesome learning experience too. I didn't even come up to the hubcap on the big trucks. But the smelter was the highlight of the trip. It was also the trip that I learned that I never wanted my college advisor to drive a van around twisty turny roads again. The next time I drove myself.

After a trip down memory lane, I snaked my way back through downtown to the local hippie-mart to snag overpriced goods for the rest of the week. I will shop local when I can, and they had lots of the gluten-free goodies that I was looking for (like bread. I have been craving bread and I knew that they had some I could happily eat), in addition to local produce. Then it was time to go rescue the dog from the incoming thunderstorm and do laundry, which I hung inside since the rain was coming in. Then it was time to just listen to videos and chill out while the rain fell.

Over the last two years I have been battling foot issues, with the worst offender being plantar fasciitis. A little over a year ago I was in a walking boot for the foot and that cleared up part of the problem. Fast forward a year and several cortisone shots later and I am back to having problems. I spent two weeks in the boot again to see if that would help keep me out of surgery. It seems to have helped, now that I have gotten used to being on my own level feet again. The foot pain is still there though. I have a podiatrist appointment in two weeks to see as a second opinion if I should go through with the surgery. I am leaning toward no right now. Hoping for the best and doing all my exercises like a good girl until then.

So now I am spending the day eating and doing as little as humanly possible. No hikes thanks to the dog being too lame to do them anymore and I don't want to go out alone. I am considering it as a healing time for the foot and brains. And I have once again forgotten my tea. It is now lukewarm. Just means that I will have to chug it and make more!

Well, That Didn't Take Long

100,036 miles as of hitting my house today. That voided my so-called 10-year warranty from the manufacturer (that didn't even last 5). So I just bought an extended warranty--no not from one of those phone scams. When my car gets repairs, they are costly. I love my Forester, but damn can it be expensive without insurance. This one will pay for everything and extras to boot for less than the arm and a leg of the first company I scoped out. It was an interesting conversation explaining how I have 25k miles per year without it being commercial use. He didn't believe me at first, then I explained the middle-of-nowhere home/work situation. No really. I drive. Plus 1800 mile trips to SD. So now I have paid an arm (but not a leg) for peace of mind that I wouldn't have by just setting aside money.

Yup. I Drive.

Alas, the dog licked a hole in his foot (again). He's been in a cone for a week. I keep letting him out to drink and eat and then seeing if he can handle not putting tongue to foot for a while. So far the longest he has gone was about 15 minutes before being re-coned. That means he unable to use the doggy door, and that makes him incredibly mopey. He is the saddest dog that ever did dog. Complete with laying down and letting out the loudest sighs he can possibly manage. I would feel sorry for him, but he has access to his couch and toys and scritchies and the possibility of freedom. But all he knows is that it itches and licking it feels better. I can't fault him. I've been known to make wounds worse by futzing with them as well.

Thanks to time change I am still jet lagged, despite it changing over last Sunday. I do not adjust well. On a good note, it means that I feel like I need to eat all night for one hour less than a week ago. The sun goes down and the munchies ensue, so I have less time to munch uncontrollably. Which means that now I am just thinking that it is dinner time (at 6:20pm). Yet I am still tired at regular bed time. Which is strange. But that's brainz for you!

And finally, I found out an incredible new development: I can stand up from the floor without using my hands or arms. I haven't been able to do that for the last 13 years (at least) thanks to a long time of having to use crutches and canes due to the stupid rheumatoid arthritis. I am just now, thanks to the gym workouts, able to do it! I keep finding small things that the work has improved and it just makes me smile and have even more reason to get there and work out. Of course, a couple days after abusing my legs and my knees are screaming at me. I think it's worth it. Now pass the ibuprofen.

Coping Mechanisms

Long ago, when I was but a small and imaginative child, I had an imaginary friend: Mousie. Mousie was neither male nor female, though I think now that Mousie was usually a she. So she and I went on grand adventures and escapades. She was very much real, yet I always knew somehow she was in my mind. 

She was real enough, though, that one day I told my brother that Mousie was sitting where he was about to sit. And he plopped down anyway. Big mistake. According to my mother's recollections, he ended up screaming at my mom to, "Make her stop!". I just kept yelling at him that he had sat on Mousie and attacked my much-older-than-myself brother. His purposeful act alone was an unforgiveable offence. (Though I did eventually forgive him.) I only stopped after he apologized to Mousie. He learned his lesson.

Looking back I can see that Mousie was how I dealt with the world, especially when my dad was gone for work. He would be gone for months at a time which as far as I can tell was usually during the winter. As I got older that would change to being gone throughout other months. To add to the existence of my friend another creation, Daddy Mousie, would travel with him while my own friend stayed at home with me. It was how I dealt with his absence. And it must have worked. 

So I bring you: Mousie.

Yup! I have a new tattoo. Mousie is sitting in a teacup with a Zelda crest and a spoon. That spoon relates to Spoon Theory which explains how there is only so much energy in a day and each task takes some of that energy. The Zelda crest? Let's face it, I just love Zelda.

And the best part? My mom designed it! I can carry that with me.

Now I just have to remember not to gain weight again or my tattoos will warp, and this one has very fine lines. I'm pleased with how it turned out. And I have my very own Mousie to help me through future hard times that reminds me to hold onto at least one spoon for when it is needed.

Merry Christmas Eve—Alone

And that suits me just fine.

Originally my plan was to spend last weekend at home and up in the city, making chocolates, hanging out with the dog, and overall just chillin'. That did not happen,

Not one bit.

I managed to get the norovirus gut bug from hell starting Thursday night. To put it in perspective, I slept on the bathroom floor for two days. I don't remember Friday. Of which I am probably very appreciative. I just got back to real food yesterday, if that gives you an idea of what tore through my system. But that is mostly taken care of. 

Between that, COVID last month, and whatever-the-hell I had in September, I got sick more in four months than I have in the past two years. I think. I may be having selective memory. But at least I had actual sick leave thanks to New Mexico law this year that got me through COVID. The other two times have blessedly been over weekends or vacations. That week of COVID would have cleared out my originally given three days that I had last year leaving me with nothing for the various migraines that I have begun to have over the past year (since my hysterectomy they have been rare, but more as of late). Thank you, New Mexico, for ensuring that I have reasonable sick leave!

So I got to spend the time Dad was in town for the parental units' anniversary mostly out of commission. And that means that I didn't get to visit like I would have liked. It also meant that my expected partial weekend on my own was a little less enjoyable than planned. Instead, I chose to spend this weekend at home instead spending New Year's weekend up with Mom. I needed a break.

And that means that I am spending Christmas with the dog at home without the pressure of cooking, appearing put together, and facing the outpouring of spoons that I just don't have. Boss gave me Tuesday off, so my weekend is an extra day longer. I have me. I have the dog. I'll have spoon recovery. I'm good. 

On the dog. Dad found a lump on the pooch's side that I didn't know of since it isn't a place I usually scritch. So there is a vet trip on Friday and back to Albuquerque. Hoping that he just has a lipoma that can be ignored, but I need to make sure. I'm not really freaking out about it yet since there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, I'll panic eventually once I am closer to the visit/already in the visit, but for now I am calm. 

But for now, no panicking, no people, no (or little) stress. I am using a couple spoons for dinner tonight, but those will be easily recovered tomorrow.

Oh! And on spoons: Mousie (the original imaginary friend), spoon (spoonies), and teacup (TEA!) are about to be on my arm. All based on my momma's sketch after mentioning that I wanted these things on a wrist tattoo.  Here. Have a sketch.

Feast or Famine

Sometimes life tosses some serious feasting into your life. Read: The last week in September. Next up: Famine. Okay, so it is not exactly famine, but rather back to eating healthier. Feasting was the trip the week before last that landed me five pounds heavier AFTER allowing for water weight. Well, a week later of working on it and I have gotten rid of two of those pounds. My mental state is a little better knowing that I am making progress again. At the beginning of the year I was at my current weight--185. I made it all the way down to 173 in May and June and, thanks to a wonderful streak of exercise being brought to an end, it has all been uphill from there.

Back in the middle of the year my foot acted up enough that I was doing well to just walk across the parking lot, much less a mile or more. It landed me, ultimately, in an orthopedic walking boot for a couple weeks in September. After working my way back from that I am beginning to test the waters and trying to not make anything flare up again. I have been slow to put my toes in the water of exercise though. And my eating has been anything but healthy since June. 

I decided that it was my birthday month, I was the one who could do it, and it was time to fix the problem. I started to do that that this last week. Exercise didn't happen, but food control and portioning did. And that was enough to make a two-pound dent. Next up: continuing that and adding in exercise, even if only a little bit of it at a time. So back onto keto I go and I have my eyes on a new thing to try:

A gym membership that won't gather expensive dust.

This one would include a pool for when my joints are truly ticked and machines for a little bit of strength training. Maybe even, GASP!, a class or two since they are included in the monthly fee. That may even put in a bit of accountability to the whole thing. And my goal? Go once a week. Minimum, mind you, as more is encouraged. Just once a week instead of going out to eat. It should be just as good for my brainz as going out, but far healthier and cheaper. (Post-workout eating out damage is not included) On a secondary bonus there is a special going on for my birthday month...er...their anniversary of founding so the sign-on fee is pretty much waived. Happy Birthday to Me! My swimsuit set even still fits from the last time I was down at this weight (2018) so there is no outlay of time or money on the evil that is swimsuit shopping. (Having boobs may seem awesome, but apparel shopping is one area where they are most definitely a hindrance and not a feature.)

The Dark and Stormy Seas of Health

I can do this. I keep telling myself that I can and that I keep backsliding...except I haven't really. In 2020 I was 256.5 pounds and I have not seen that number since I started. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but most of those are due to physical ailments leading to mental ailments following closely behind. So I start once again. But not at 256.5. Not at 220. Or 200. 185.5 as of today. And how am I celebrating that? With a drink (a dark and stormy knockoff to be exact), carefully budgeted into my food for the day, knowing it will put me over where my calorie target is, but plenty near where I am comfortable with it being and knowing I have had the nutrition I need. And that's the key, moderation. And I am choosing to add rum into today's nutrition. Because I can. And if I don't splurge somewhere I will fall off the wagon in a hurry. So: rum.

If I Don't Kill It One Way...

 ...then I can sure find another way. On accident. 

I have been weed whacking around what I thought was a sunflower since the beginning of the season. It was just a hunch, but I have grown them before so I had a pretty good idea of what it was. I kept working around it, very carefully making sure to leave it space. I came back to the house after vacation and did my whacking just like before. Buried in the weeds was this pretty baby.

As seen from its original state

After I had all the yard beaten into submission I went back over to take a couple photos of my pet plant. And promptly dropped the weed whacker onto the plant. Flat out smooshed it to the ground and broke the stem. There was some cussing. But then I thought better about it. Why leave it unappreciated outside when I can take it inside and enjoy it for the life of the blooms! So I now give you my pet in its second life.

Because I can

I spent the last week of vacation convalescing with a cold. It was actually a good time to do it since I couldn't go out hiking like I normally do on vacations and I don't like dealing with the people of downtown Ruidoso. I go on vacation to places without people. Specifically, I go to places with trees and without people. This last one and its creek was ideal. I spent much of the time when I felt okay just sitting out by the creek and putzing on my laptop or phone.  I hooked up my Switch to play Zelda on the tv. I didn't even read because my brain was having trouble reading text on a page. My book remains mostly uncracked, despite having been on vacation. Heck, it even rained a couple times so I could just listen to the drops on the roof and the trees while I did absolutely nothing.

My rental host was worried about me and checked in on me to see if he could be of help. He even brought down some grilled hamburgers and fixings for me one night so I didn't have to cook. We talked back and forth and swapped stories on occasion, but he wasn't intrusive, just a good guy. He was awesome. For the most part, I bounced between the creek and the sofa bench in the trailer, followed by the bed with a pile of pillows. I was still on my crutches for a short time over the week, but the enforced downtime meant that I have been healing up better than I would have if I was home so I am completely off of them. (And 'downtime' is saying something since I can really be a sloth at my house.) I spent the week healing, in so many ways.

Now that I am back in the land of normal life I am decompressing from vacation mode and back into a place where I can be useful and keep up with things that just need done, want to or not. Weeds whacked. House vacuumed. And I'm still exhausted and have the cough, but nowhere near how I was the last week. I'll continue to heal. Reintegrate into society again. If I have to. I guess.

When Life Breaks, Fix It!

I fancy myself a little bit of a Jill-of-All-Trades. Plumbing is not one of those trades. Yesterday I found myself washing dishes and heard the distressing sound of water falling On things rather than Through pipes. What I saw when I opened the door was a soaked cabinet with almost all of its contents drenched. Now, it being a sink cabinet, hardly anything minded being doused, and a good half of it was nestled safely in the languishing dish rack I keep down there and not on the soaked cabinet floor. But I’m still on crutch/es and a big ol’ boot that restricts my movement and grace (what I have, that is). So, I emptied the cabinet and made sure everything was either wiped down or where it could dry before assessing the situation. There was evidence of where my lone mouse had set up shop many years ago along with a small trail of ants that had managed to survive the great culling from earlier this year. I didn’t clean the base of the cabinet because I was just out of spoons and my knees were killing me.

Lo and behold, the elbow pipe that connected to the sink drain had come loose.

Now I’m NOT a plumber. I can do some basics, but PVC piping is not one of them. Not a smidge. So, I put out a call on Facebook in distress on how to fix this when it was a Sunday, and no hardware stores were open. As it turned out, my loving brother-of-awesomeness helped me through the (two minute) fix. That was it. Two minutes. Maybe three if you count the creaking and cussing of me trying to get down to the sink level and back up again. And now everything is drying out completely for the next couple weekends before I jump the gun and end up with mold in there from putting things back on damp wood. No thank you. At least it was not a long-term leak with mold galore down there. I’ve had that happen in other houses and, man, is that a mess. And that was my plumbing crisis, lots of cussing and fretting all for a quick fix. I’ll take it.

And then there was the rest of the weekend, and fallout from the brain rollercoaster and body twisting while dealing with the sink.

I can get dumb and destructive. I stress. I hurt. I eat. Add in some sleepiness without tiredness and you have a masterclass recipe for self-destructive behavior. Such things as eating too much and sleeping too much or too little—or in my case going to bed way too late and waking up too late despite needing a regular schedule to stay something approaching sane. Heck, I threw caution to the wind and decided that it would be a good idea last week to just use the damnable CAM boot alone with no crutch at all for a day. Dumb AND destructive. I wondered why last Friday I still hurt when putting full pressure on the foot instead of blaming the sheer stupidity and lack of following directions. I focused on being good this weekend after that brief foray into dumb, with the exception of an unplanned house repair job. And it has been this way for a while.

But the rest of the ingredients from that recipe are still there and making life difficult for focusing on anything. Like I have probably said before, there is only so much willpower available for one person. When there is too much there to deal with, something—and probably several things—has to give. In this case it is eating (and general use, but that is a given with me as the first thing to go).

As some of you know, I’m following a keto diet and its been good for me and my health when I actually follow it, if nothing else than it keeps me out of the sweet treats. Yes, I know the drawbacks, and yes, I am willing to deal with them and stay with this long term. When I am at least staying on track carb-wise I don’t gain weight. I may not lose, but I don’t gain like I did earlier in the year and then have to take it all back off.  And I know how to do this. I stopped tracking what I ate a month ago. I didn’t always religiously track (though it does work better if I do), just so I could look back on earlier in the day and realize that I had in fact had enough food. I think it is time to get on that tracking train again since this stagnation is getting old. But I have been staying on the low carb aspect pretty darn well while not neglecting good things like veggies and fruits. And that is fine, but I am eating far too much. Only I can do something about that. I’m not sure I’m ready to act because I’m not sure I have the energy to do much more than make a valiant week-long effort followed by a spectacular and disheartening defeat. Been there. Done that. And right now I’m just holding on. 

I did a good thing for myself and went ahead with my platelet donation today at the cost of not being able to use one crutch—but I always feel better mentally afterward. (Call it a form of unintended self-sabotage as well.) And I just need to hold on for four days. Then a vacation starts that will hopefully be low-stress and easy on both the budget and waistline. Both things will require that oh-so-precious willpower and that may or may not break the spoon bank. Especially when physically taxed and already going into this mentally taxed. We shall see. Wish me luck!

Thinkin' Drinkin' (Tea) AKA More Memories

I have been doing some thinkin' drinkin' in the form of copious amounts of tea, hoping that the caffeine will keep me running smoothly. Which it mostly is. I do keep the purveyors of my addiction running with my support!

Volunteer Hollyhock

While contemplating the bottom of my mug and listening to the sounds of my tea kettle I mulled over the feelings I am getting from using the crutches that have mostly sat ignored in my shop since back in 2014ish. They only have had short one or two day stints out of their place. But they're there for when I need them. So why is this part of the thinkin' drinkin'? Because Jason was the one that convinced me to finally give in and admit that using two canes and ending up on the ground was just not acceptable anymore. Way back in 2010 (I had to look back to find out when it was) I was pretty much on them 24/7 except for short jaunts around the house. Every day. For three + years. I was darned and determined that I didn't want anything unless it was quiet and easy to use. It took him researching and me evaluating many different styles and we finally settled on one brand (SideStix for the record). Not cheap, but comfortable to use, durable, QUIET, and stylish to boot. 

And now they remind me of him. Why do simple sticks remind me so much of my late husband? They are just tools. Very useful and comfortable tools, mind you, but still tools. The answer: because I remember how long he researched what I needed, even when I didn't want to admit that I needed them. (It was that or a wheelchair, which I had already vetoed as much as possible because I couldn't get around the house in one)

So now I am dealing with a torrent of emotions from many different angles. And fighting a boot. And remembering just how many muscles crutches require--and how neglected my muscles have been as of late. I apparently have not forgotten how to walk with them, even after all these years. And they're not the blasted 'regular' crutches that people get here in the states, despite them being less stable and clunkier than anything else out there. I learned early on that the doc's 'suggestion' that I use and stay on crutches was well founded. I asked for more clarification while getting strapped into the device and he told me that, while I technically can walk on just the foot, it is a pointedly bad idea and would probably cause more problems to both sides of my body. Use the crutches. Keep it up. Heal better. Have to do it less in the future if it happens again. I like my doc. I can follow orders if it means that I don't have to do this again any time soon (or preferably ever!).

And I've got another week and a smidge in the boot and another two weeks using one or both crutches for another two weeks. I wonder how well Link will walk with me on crutches...he used to do it well. It will be interesting to find out! And by the end of it we both will come to an agreement. Not sure who will win out in this, but it will be attempted!

Boot. Not appreciated.

I hate going shoe shopping. Usually it involves great frustration and a large chunk of change. Not lately. I've been in a couple pairs of hiking boots and special insoles for the past...many many moons. I have been having trouble with my foot for a long time. It wasn't getting better with all the doc's suggestions. So I went back, complete with new x-rays. I have a ton of small fractures in three metatarsals. His suggestion: a boot for 14 days. I am not amused. But it does keep my foot from flexing as painfully. At least it is on my left foot so I can still drive! I asked since I had a cane if that would help with my balance on the blasted boot. Doc said yes, so one of my beloved/hated devices is getting some use. And it's only two weeks.

Just after those two weeks I have a vacation planned. A vacation where I was hoping that I could get out and go hiking, since there are lots of nearby trails, both hard and easy. I may still do one of the easy one for short hikes to get me back into moving and to get the dog tired a bit. Probably not a good idea. So it goes. I may end up eating my way through the town. Not good for my figure.

Not. Amused

On that, I have gained ten pounds over the last three months and I am not amused. I am the only one to blame, but I am getting depressed because of that and a host of other happenings. I tried to blame my feet on my weight, but the doc reminded me that I have gotten this AFTER I lost a bunch of weight. Yes, it can be made worse with extra weight, but that is not a likely cause. The RA is (and some congenital issues). The gift that keeps on giving. 

And to add to the fun, I am losing my Medicaid. This is a problem. I cannot afford my meds and specialists on other plans. The state flubbed a calculation, so there is a hope for me. I re-applied today. My current coverage ends the 31st. They said that it can take 45 days to get back to me. This is not ideal. Not ideal at all. So I have done what I can. I am in a waiting period where all I can do now is fret and stew. Same with the foot. Fret, stew, and cuss. Other things, fret, stew, cuss, and cry.

So now I am rather insane. I have done what I can to rectify situations I have control over. Other things just...suck. I'm crying again for small infractions. Including in the doc's office, which completely confused the doc and PA in the room. Wonderful PA grabbed me a tissue and assured me that it was okay. I need to remind myself that it is okay for me to deal with emotions, whatever those are. 

So now I am going to let the world go by and play some Zelda--Tears of the Kingdom on the big screen. Putting cartoon Link always makes me feel better...well...unless I am repeatedly getting slain.

Of Writing and Walking

I have been making it a point to write my grandparents every week, specifically for Grandpa. He doesn't hear well and being on the phone is frustrating for him. But letters? Letters he can re-read, and he does. He says he doesn't mind when I skip a week, but I know from when I do talk to him on the phone that it means a lot to him. It helps us both because I don't like to talk on the phone but like writing, and he can't hear on the phone. Wins on both fronts. I usually take one of my fifteen minute breaks during the week to scribble off a letter. This week I just needed to take that time to breathe and make a mug of tea. So, instead I waited until I got home and snagged one of my many cards. I have it in the mailbox, but I am expecting it to take forever for my mailman to discover it there. That is why I usually take the mail down to the mailbox. Which I will do if it is still there by tomorrow.

In other news, I have been making progress. From where I started two and a half years ago I have come a long way. For example, when I started I was barely able to walk at a pace of 2.5 mph. I soon went up to a 2.7 mph pace. Then 3. And stalled. I found out over the last two weeks that I actually have been improving without knowing it: I can hold a pace of 3.4 for quite a while. Outside? With the dog and on uneven ground I am back down to 2.7, but that's okay. I like not falling on my face. So progress. 

But I hadn't been exercising. Two weeks ago I was stuck where I was back at the beginning of the year. Not exercising. Eating...okay. Just okay, but not horribly. A year and a smidge ago I was exercising every day. That slid down to nothing under the excuse of my damnable plantar fasciitis. A good reason. For a while. Now that I realize it is just something I have to deal with, it is time to actually deal with it--carefully of course. I'm displeased at having to put up with it, but it is a heck of a lot better than where I was back when my rheumatoid arthritis was still interfering with life. I've been lucky to be in remission from that, so the worst I normally deal with are unhappy knees and a pissed off foot. I'll take that and run (walk) with it. Next up? Finding the weights for the weight machine AND using the machine. My arms are pretty much spaghetti at this point. Or I can buy more exercise bands (so they don't break on me at the worst time), which would probably work as well. I have even managed to get down to another smaller size over the last month--comfy jeans at that! Knees are gradually becoming less vocal the smaller I get too. I'll take what I can get.

This is what I bought myself to celebrate the jeans

Finally, I now have an air fryer. It worked well as a glorified small oven for my first explorations. (Brownies went well.) But then I tried chicken wings. Oh, lordy does it work well. I have had two days in a row of chicky wings while I try to tweak the recipe. Then devour the results. Mission successful. More research needed. And now, it is time to think about dessert that complements my dinner of crispy wings.

Balancing Act and Mr. Wile

Fearless Wile E. Coyote

Congratulations! It's February, and we made it through the first month of 2023. For me it lasted about twice as long as it should have, which isn't too bad compared to previous months. 

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wile E. Coyote who visited my parents' house this last week. While he looks small, he actually is a good 50% bigger than most of the coyotes in the area. This one looks like he had been transported from the East Mountains of the city. Highly healthy and fearless. He didn't even give me or the barking Link a passing glance as he walked five feet from the glass door on his way out of the yard. So now Link isn't allowed outside for long periods of time without supervision. So far the coyote has dragged a cat (parts of one) into the yard, so we know that he kills pets happily. Link in his slow state has little chance against Mr. Wile if it came down to a scuffle. I just hope that the coyote doesn't decide to kill the resident skunk (who comes almost daily to the yard) in the yard and leave a stench for years.

I'm not sure what February holds, but my goal is to have a healthy work/life balance. Which is hard for me. I am a people pleaser. And I have been so focused on work that I have been suffering mentally outside of the office. And that's no good for me, my friends, and even the office because that could lead me to burnout. Nobody wants me to fizzle. So I'm focusing on me a little more and what I need to do to keep me healthy.

That change of mindset includes walking most days and trying, TRYING, to eat reasonably (unlike last night). And that will help my mindset a bunch. At least I hope it will.

On the note of bettering myself, I managed a bunch of tasks yesterday and Thursday night. Cleaning up, organizing, throwing things away that nobody wants, giving away things that other people might want. And today I am dead. D.E.D. Dead. I'm not sure if the energy will hit me later today, but who knows. I hope I get enough mental/physical spoons to be able to get a walk in today. I am making it a priority, depending on spoons. I borrowed from today's stash to run my hamster wheel amount of activity yesterday. So we shall see.

For those interested, the dog is doing well. Still on pain meds in the morning, but taking supplements that should be kicking in soon. He's still sore, since he really doesn't want to play, but he is getting old, and that is just slowing him down I think. We'll be starting walks as soon as his new harness comes in so I don't yank his neck around. With how he likes to tug, we are going to have some training involved in teaching him how to walk at my side. Again. Been a while and never has worked that well. We'll learn together!

Leaking at the Seams

I'm like a leaky bucket. My brains keep leaking out while stress keeps pouring in. I normally keep work out of this, but let me just say that, as a non-profit worker in administration the end of the year brings LOTS of tax work. And our main event for the year is in March, so about the time the taxes calm down, the advertising and people wrangling ramps up. 

In short: I'm so ready for the vacation I have scheduled for April.

Wrangling two customer service organizations, a handyman, and emergency computer support is slowly unraveling my brain. But it's the end of my workweek, and boy am I ready for a break. Last week? Silence and not much work. This week? Yeesh. But I do need to feel needed from day to day. And I am.

A Good Thing I noticed recently is that I can drive into tight-ish parking spots and manage to wriggle out without endangering other cars! This is an awesome development!  On that good news, despite sabotaging myself food wise and only sporadically walking, I managed to lose weight over this week. Maybe paying less attention to what I am eating can cause acceptable results. This is counter to my wiring of tracking everything during the day. Now I know I have a little wiggle room and still can have the desired results. I like that.

This is the pup pre-winter

The dog is still healing, but he wants to play tug sooo bad. That is one thing that he may no longer be able to do. I need to call the vet tomorrow and give her an update on his condition. He even isn't being overly sore when getting up from a dead sleep and he is managing stairs as well as he was pre-injury (read: gimpily because of lack of ligaments in his back legs.). Looks like he may be able to jump onto Dad's lap sometime in the near future. Dog and Dad are in a game of seeing who can block/bypass an attempted leap onto the chair. Dog still hasn't figured out that it isn't allowed because he occasionally wins the game and ends up with a lap. Variable wins equal good conditioning.

But now I think I have other things to do, much as I would rather just sit and slouch. But I'll do the necessary thing.

So it's Fall. And Poly-Ticks season.

Almost a month since last posting. Lots of work drama going on, but that's not for here. 

I've been in and out of a good mindset since I started my vacation at the beginning of the month. Finally seeing the light from that and looking forward to seeing more light in the morning come the DST change next weekend. Soooo much easier than the spring version of the jet-lag the nation goes through (well...most of us).

I guess that it is officially fall since the low temperatures are only in the 30s now. I even had to wear a jacket! Gasp! All the pumpkin spice stuff being off limits makes my splurge food a lot easier. I do miss those supermarket pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, though. I do have to admit that I have a pumpkin pie (keto) recipe that I have my eyes on. And creme brulee too. But I haven't really cooked since starting this thing, knowing full well that I have a hard time ignoring sweets and baked goods in the best of times. Not baking is the same thing as not buying 'keto' bread since I know I will devour whatever it is. So I am reluctant to try out the new goodies. May try that bread to see if I can control myself with it and see if I trust myself for even more tantalizing treats. But what I'm doing is working, so I don't want to screw it up.

Backstory: in July I had a shot to the foot for plantar fasciitis that I had been nursing unsuccessfully since the beginning of the year. Well, it came back. I tried to tough it out for a month and it rapidly deteriorated. Once I finally convinced myself that it wasn't going away I got back into the doc. Another shot later and I am well on my way again! With orders to come back as soon as it starts up again, if it does. Plantar faciitis: 100% do not recommend. But if I can get back to my walking I will be much healthier than just losing weight as I am. I miss walking and hiking on a regular basis. Just have to get my rear off the couch now! (And keep yelling at Pro-Form since their damn software is bricking my treadmill. Again.)

I've been watching a lot of YouTube lately. Mostly educational titles, with a few random things added in there for good measure. I've been noticing that 90% of the ads for the programs are political. At least 90%. I already voted! There should be a button that says that I'm no longer their prime target and to spend their money elsewhere. But that wouldn't work, I suppose. I'm so tired of hearing people bash each other with half-truths or whole-lies at every possible turn. But it's going to be over shortly. Not soon enough for my liking! Unfortunately, once again, I sometimes had to choose between the lesser of two (we)evils. But I guess that unless I step up to the political plate, which I will NOT do, I can't expect any candidate to fit my wishes completely. (By the by, the other 10% is mostly comprised of religious propaganda due to the atheist topic of one of my shows. Everyone wants something from me.)

Rearin' to Go!

I still have nine days to go before I get out to my cabin in the woods. A lifetime in my brain. As I had some downtime today, I have been searching for hikes in the area outside of just the mesa out behind the cabin. I found three possibilities, taken down to two if there is any threat of rain at all as that last one is along a streambed (not likely to be on my docket). I'm really out of practice--as in no real exercise since the end of last year. I'm going to have to take it easy, at least until I can get a gage for how much endurance my body has lost.

As per usual, I am planning on making my vacation food-limiting to keep myself honest and on my nutrition. I have to make sure that I take extra, of course, just in case something happens, but I can make that something I would rather not eat on a whim. Unlike when I was near Ruidoso, I can't easily hop down to the well-stocked grocery store for midnight munchies! The closest tiny market is about 20 miles south of me--did I mention tiny? Not a terrible drive, but a definite encouragement to stick to home, with the exception of when I go south for hiking. Besides, being on this whole keto thing can make spur-of-the-moment munchies rather difficult. I think I still have my packing list from my last trip, so this should even be easy to get everything into the car without forgetting too much.

Speaking of that whole eating thing, I am losing around a pound a week pretty steadily now. If I average out from where I started to this week, it is almost exactly one a week. Not too darn shabby, if not how fast I was hoping for. I consider it consistent and safe at that. 203 right now, and on my way back down to where I was pre-plantar-fasciitis in January (194 if I recall correctly)

I'm not sure what is going to happen at work while I'm gone, but I'm sure they'll manage. Only my boss is allowed to call me on my vacation, and even then it had better be good. I'm planning on two calls over the week-ish time I'm there. Only time will tell.

On a completely different note: I have started a new book! A sequel to the monster-slaying fantasy book. I guess that it is time for me to get off my rear and just publish my first on Kindle and start some advertising somehow. The second one is being read (and boy is it more polished than the first one.) Completely different genre, but I learned a lot from the first one. The sequel is a good thing for me to keep busy, even if it never turns into a fully fledged book. already 8,000ish words in three sessions of typing. I am having fun coming up with ideas for monsters--and tapping my friends' brains for new monsters as well. But it is a great diversion to get me out of the house. It will also be something good to get me relaxed while out at the cabin. Writing just feels good.

But I guess that my break time is over and it is time to get back to that paying job instead of digital scribbles.

Dreams and Nightmares

Jason's birthday was on the 5th. I was only partly insane, probably not as much as his awesome mom and dad. Some days are harder than others. Last week 12 years ago we were in Kauai on our Anniversarymoon. For some reason reliving those photo places sent me into a little bit of a not-good-place. Not horrible, mind you, just...uncomfortable? Which is fine. Memories are good and keep his memory alive.

I also had a very strange dream. My pooch, Link, had gotten loose and was running wild in the middle of traffic. I knew it was him from his bright green collar. I saw him get hit. I panicked of course, and tried to drive backwards off the onramp (I even could tell you the exact streets) to get to him. I looked and looked and finally saw him in a vet office being taken care of. His paw was bent at an odd angle and he looked scared. Probably not as scared as when I woke up in a sweat. He's not a child, but I do worry about him, and being rather off from the 5th was just fueling the fire for nightmares--though not of Jason. Just the other male in my life that keeps me sane.

He hasn't been joining me on walks because there haven't been any walks to join. I see the specialist tomorrow to see how we can treat the blasted plantar fasciitis since I've tried all the conservative methods that I know of/could find on the interwebs. Stretches? Got 'em. Strengthening? Been there, done that (and have very happy ankles, just not feet). Exercise? Counterproductive, as it turns out. Good boots? The only thing keeping me on my feet. So we'll see what he says.

The only other thing is that in the past two weeks I have not only lost weight (my feet thank me) but have lost 6 pounds! Yes, the first couple were probably water, but I now officially have gotten rid of a small dose of one of the meds I am on. I am in and out of ketosis depending on the day which seems to have upped the concentration of it--less meds=good thing! So I'm proud. It's only been two weeks and two days, but I will take every bit I can.

But now it is time to figure out what lunch is going to be, considering that I failed to pack anything this morning. Snack food to the rescue! 

As an aside: I have an awesome boss who trusts me to be a productive member of the organization. No micromanaging!

Discovery? Maybe?

Monsoons = Inflammation   

Way back in 2007-2013 I had to modify my diet to eat gluten free to keep my guts happy and useful. Having a short tether to a bathroom really is no fun. Not celiac, just intolerance. At the time my rheumatoid arthritis was kicking up a storm as well and my stress level was through the roof from dealing with Jason's terminal illness. It was a perfect storm of inflammation that let up only late in 2013 once that stress level had gone down. The RA mostly subsided and a trial run of fresh croissants led me to test the waters and eventually plunge back into the world of gluten.

Fast forward to 2022 and a surgery for gallstones. That tether to a bathroom was back and it had shortened the leash. "It'll just go away." "Tough it out." Yeah. Nothing was working and it appeared that there was no light at the tunnel. This amped up the stress because that makes hikes and walks difficult (not to mention simple life things like shopping) knowing that at any moment my body may decide that it's time to be rid of stuff...often at inopportune moments.

Last week I started a low-carb, medium-fat/protein diet which inadvertently cut out gluten and most large sources of sugars. Other than that little misstep with eating an entire cantaloupe at one sitting (uh. oops.), my innards have been cooperating. It took my mother pointing out the correlation out to me. Also my RA has been kicking up, adding to the inflammation, but I wasn't sure whether to link that to true RA flaring thanks to extra monsoon weather or to some other source of ouch. I haven't had a flare since 2019 and I went off all of the RA meds since 2020...hoping that this doesn't go full-blown, but I have meds in case it does.

So here is the magic question: What gives with the cooperating innards? Gluten? General sugars? Different body outlook? Correlation does not always equal causation.

Next question: Will the healthier eating affect the RA/other joint pain issues? Not sure what oral steroids might do to me, but it may be time for the RA .Hoping that the dietary changes might calm the plantar fasciitis a bit too from less inflammation in general, or even if only from there being less of me to schlep around. 

Now it is time to think about which munchies I want for lunch. I bought a selection of goodies to keep at work and I am slowly picking my way through them to try a little bit of each. Best so far? The feta stuffed olives. NOM!

Another New Beginning

Holy Crap. My Boss Cares.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to get back on the journey to get healthier. I packed a healthy lunch and avoided the loved/dreaded on-campus lunch (flame-grilled giant hamburgers and cake to be exact). Shortly after lunch--and an exploding printer ink cartridge--my boss talked to me and somehow managed to bring up the topic of health very, very gently. It is pretty darn obvious that I have gained 50 pounds over the last six months after slowly shrinking for over a year. He asked if I had been getting sleep (still tired from COVID, so yes), mental rest (yes, I am good at that when anxiety isn't interfering), and snuck in a question about if I had seen a nutritionist (ding ding! There it goes!). Now, I somehow didn't get offended. It felt like concern rather than chiding. Yes, I am getting paid for a transaction of service, but he was honestly concerned for my wellbeing.

So. Yeah. I was glad that I already had started my new endeavor or I probably would have shut down and been an anxious and teary mess. But he knew that I had started, so he may have found an in for the conversation. As it was, I just felt...cared for? Yeah, that's the best word I can come up with.

In other news: Soaking Rain. It has pretty much stopped now, but we had a soaking rain overnight that was slow enough to not trigger flash floods or slides in the burn scars around the state. And it's only supposed to reach 75 today. A far cry from the 100s a week and a half ago! Welcome, monsoon! Please stick around and fill the soil and reservoirs, please. It does mean that I got to dig out a shirt that I only got to wear a couple times earlier in the year before the weather got too hot. It is snug now (*sigh*) but still fits and is cute. It's also warmer than my sleeveless dresses that I usually wear over my basic pants--wind means I don't wear them alone...and my blindingly white legs that nobody wants to see, including me.

Sleepy Snuggles from Over the Weekend

The dog is going into withdrawal since Dad left the state on another jaunt. REALLY clingy. I even let him up on my lap yesterday since he was so attached to me and needy. He also was pretty sore, despite wanting to play tug. So I gave him pain meds and let him snooze on my chest. And snore. Good Lord, the snores. But after that he was quite happy to lay on his own couch and snooze/snore and rumble Mom's chair, so I must have fulfilled his need for touch. And it was nice for me as well.

RAIN! DIRT!

Summer in the desert: Hot. Windy. Dry…And wet?

In short: Fires. Yup. The state is on fire, mostly thanks to the local Forest Service’s incompetence and mismanagement. But that is a rant for another day. But that does mean hefty smoke in some areas and a giant hope that monsoon season shows up soon. And it is supposed to—this weekend in fact. Even if I have to wipe off muddy paws, I’m happy to do it, and maybe even frolic in the drips if I get the urge (though probably not nekkid). It can’t come too soon for my liking.

Yesterday at work I got to play in DIRT! Yes, you read that right. I got to take care of our much-neglected houseplants, including my poor hibiscus that needed over half the bag of dirt to get it back up to where it needed to be. That bush (tree?) is my baby. It is the reason I have the small cozy office instead of the huge sterile one. That and the prolific philodendron keep me company in my cave.

In other news, I have mostly recovered from COVID-19. Just some slight taste changes, more joint pain, and a pretty hefty dose of fatigue. I escaped pretty darn well compared to others. Working is difficult for the last half of the day. I had to take my 15 minute break yesterday afternoon for a (alarm set) nap. I can’t wait for that to get better, though with how much I need naps in general I am not sure how long that is going to take. But breaks are awesome and I can get in 10 minutes of sleep out of those 15 and that is enough to tide me over till I get back to the house. Dear naps: I love you. Be patient with me.

Sneaksy. Very Sneaksy.

Cough? Got it, but that is to be expected. Sniffles? Same. But there is one effect that snuck up on me three days into COVID-19: the dreaded taste and smell loss. "So what?" I hear you ask. Food I can get around by texture and basic flavors of sweet/salty and the like, but there is one major drawback: 

I. Can't. Taste. Tea.

I live on tea during the week. One might call me a tea snob at times. I very carefully made up my morning brew yesterday and finally took a sip once it was cool enough. And could only detect the bitter tannins. *sniffle* And it may be a couple months before it fixes itself. *sob*

So I'm mostly back to normal routine, if not at 100% since I am REALLY tired and foggy all the time. Keeping my thoughts together is difficult. Heck, even something simple like a blog post takes it out of me.

I could take the lack of taste as a signal to eat less, but I am well aware how to eat for texture rather than tastes when necessary. And eat I have. Still up at 220, despite the complete lack of exercise, so I guess that is something. Mom is cleared for her new restrictive keto diet, so it could be an interesting next couple months as we settle into the rhythm of things. I get to do a modified version since one of my med's side effects are directly linked to salt balance in my body. That will be the hard part--maintaining a deficit of calories on a high-fat diet. She's being monitored closely. Me less so since there really isn't much to test for outside of the previously mentioned med balance. Now I get to decide if I am going to measure out my foods again, knowing full well that it works for me. It is a pain, but it may keep me from going overboard on the various nutrient balances. It will work. 

Poor Dad has no idea what he is in for. I'm going to try to cook so that he isn't feeling deprived--low sugar spaghetti sauce with squash for mom, a little pasta for me, and a lot of pasta for Dad. Taters are out, but pot roast with the rest of the veggies is fine. Make taters for Dad and mom and I get the onions and carrots and shrooms. May have to do chicken and rice/chicken soup for all of us on occasion as well.

But I'm rambling and desperately need a nap. A nap that I probably won't get today. So it goes.