Holidays are Bittersweet

I'm always leery of what my brain is going to do with holidays. Sometimes they are just like any other day and other times I get hit with a brick to the brain. Thanksgiving, humble though this year was, reminded me of chosen-family celebrations from long ago. When we each took a dish and ran with it. Jason? Tasty tasty dinner rolls. Me? Usually pecan pie with nuts held together with a tiny bit of maple-flavored goo. Not low calorie, to say the least. And then there were all the other dishes which we started in on in the afternoon and continued to feast upon throughout the night. 

Not My Pie. Mine Was Better.

Silliness ensued, of course. I don't remember if there was booze, but I am guessing that there was--and before you get any ideas, I don't remember because of the time since then, not because I was pickled. Maybe. So-called shirtless o'clock probably hit around dark with a pile of us on the floor/couch watching a bad movie or playing Guitar Hero. And all the bad and raunchy jokes we could come up with. There were many.

But those times are gone. Left behind are the good memories to carry onward. And that is okay. I hold onto those memories and stash them for darker times. Times when my brain can't hold onto the light. So I shove the good memories into my consciousness to try to force out the bad. It usually helps, so I call that a win.

So carry on, declare shirtless o'clock, and tease those around you mercilessly while eating all the good food loving family can create.

The Empty Lectern

This time of year is when Jason started really declining. 10.5 years since he passed, but the slow progression of his cancer really became evident at this point in the year. But I am healing over time. And it also brings up hard memories that I also cherish just as much as the good. 

One example is when he was supposed to deliver a presentation to the IEEE conference in Santa Fe in December of 2012. He wanted so badly to go, but his speech and cognition was just not there enough anymore for a live presentation. I offered to be his spokesperson, but we both knew that it was just not going to happen. It was with heavy hearts that we canceled his presentation, knowing that we had reached a milestone that we never wanted to happen. He was on what we referred to as the Tumor Fryer (I have a previous blog referring to that one here) and we were hoping for a miracle but realizing that miracles are few and far between. He had worked so hard to be invited to that event and it crushed him knowing that he couldn't participate. He decided not to go at all due to his speech issues.

The Empty Lectern

Having to cancel that presentation was, in some ways, an admission of defeat. An admission that the inevitable was happening. Something that we had staved off for far longer than any of his doctors though possible--all thanks to friends and family that supported us physically, financially, and emotionally. You have no idea how much you all helped, especially just knowing that someone was thinking about us and rooting us on.  (Are there onions being chopped in here? I feel onions.) Thank you all so much!

Memories of Beginnings

Just how did I meet my husband? I was clueless to his advances, despite his impressive skills at massage that he shared with me. So I remember well when I met him in my eyes. Not when I knew he had a Thing for me, just who he was. 

2010 Easter--not enough photos of both of us

Back in 2005 I was belly dancing, living on a good healthy diet, and walking everywhere on my college campus (which, admittedly, is small). So in short: I was built. I also was in a couple short acting skits that he was manning lights for. Cue the massages. In hindsight, a normal person would have taken this as being hit upon. Nope. Clueless. But I did look damn good in that cocktail dress I work for one of the skits.

One of my fellow actors invited us both to her house for a gathering which turned into more gatherings and a steady helping of bad movies, good company...and more of those sweet sweet massages.

But I was STILL clueless.

He asked me out once, but I turned him down as I was more focused on classes that were kicking my butt. (Calculus, I'm looking at you.) So we continued the gatherings and, unbeknownst to me, basically started going out with him on accident. Our first 'date' was actually instigated by one of the hosts of the gatherings much later on. At that point I realized that, no really, I was in a Relationship. Which confused me to no end since I never saw it coming. To be exact, I had never really been in a dedicated relationship before, so it was all new territory.

I have turned down quite a few people because I was an incorrigible flirt and had no intention of following through on the flirting. That is just how my friends and I played together. I still don't notice romantic/um...athletic attention, nor do I seek it out. I am quite happy to be a dog mom and ruler of my domain with no intention of changing that fact. Luckily my family is not pushing me to get married again or start up a relationship. They're fine with me as I am. 

But one thing I do miss is being more...I don't know...desirable? Yet I don't want the long-term attention, just a little encouragement that I have some attraction from the world. A push to my self-esteem as it were. And that is one reason that I am trying so hard, and sometimes stalling, at working toward a healthier me. Will I ever be in the shape I was when I was rock climbing, walking, belly dancing, and lifting weights? HAH! Nope. That's just too damn much work. But I want to see what I can do with what spoons I have. The gym workouts are happening. The damnable tendon damage and muscle use kicks in 48 hours post-exercising, but it will be worth it if it makes me stronger, more flexible, and--as a side effect--more toned. I want this for me, but there is that part of my mind that really wants it for, lets face it, attention. And I think that's perfectly fine so long as the other reasons come first.

A Comedy of Errors

I'm late to the game with this post, but I thought it was fun enough to get its own story.

Back on the 14th I decided to go north of town and watch the eclipse. Instead of staying in Albuquerque and seeing totality for several minutes, I took the easy way out and went just up the road to where I could see it for a short while...and avoid all of the Balloon Fiesta crazies at the same time. So I scooted 15 miles north to San Acacia and found a nice spot off the road to park and watch the action.

Now, I had my phone plugged into the car and was watching the sun at the same time. This should have been a red flag for me since the car engine was off. If I just turn the ignition to radio mode the car won't play from my phone. But nope. Instead I had it on the accessory mode with all sorts of electronics on. But I was enjoying the sights and thought nothing of it.

Until I went to start the engine after the eclipse. And it was too dead to turn over.

That's okay, I have my battery jumper in the back. I dug it out and got everything set up and pressed the button. I hopped back into the car and tried the engine again. Still dead. Crap. I scoped out the lights on my jumper to troubleshoot. But there were no lights to be had. It was deader than my car battery. Well huh. 

As I was cussing up and down for not charging the blasted jumper, a cowboy that could have been a twin to Sam Elliott drove up. He tipped his hat and commented, "Hood and hatch open. Looks to me like you may have a problem. Can I help?"

I explained the problem and gratefully accepted his help since I was fairly off the road and hard to see. My cell coverage was meager and I was desperate, though I hadn't had time for that desperation to kick in yet. Pissed off was more like it.

He hopped out of his truck and dug around where his jumper cables should have been. Nothing. His son had taken them out and never put them back. But he said he'd be right back after he snagged them from his house just down the road.

A suspicious length of time went by so I cooled my heels. Then I slapped my forehead as I remembered that I carry jumper cables in my emergency kit! I dug them out in case he couldn't find his, which was my guess as to why he was taking so long. That could have saved a lot of headache for everyone involved.

He came back with jumper cables in hand. They looked pretty rough. He explained that his were nowhere to be found so he borrowed a pair from his neighbor. So he hooked everything up and I tried to turn over the engine. 

Nope. Nothing. But I now had my (brand spankin' new) cables! He hooked those up and voila! Success! 

I apologized profusely for taking up his time and offered to pay for his troubles, which he declined--I was expecting it, but I always offer. Then he tipped his hat to me and off he went. I then got to appreciate just how lucky I was for the day, eclipse, podcasts, cussing, wonderful help, and a short road trip. It was a good day.

And the jumper is now charged.