Sunday, August 28, 2016


I am having trouble getting motivated to get exercise. Despite exercising every day for seven weeks, I am feeling a major slump. I also know that about the time I quit for a day is when I start slipping back down to not caring at all--it is an all or nothing type need for exercise.

Luckily, my parents are close by as well as friends. While I am up seeing them I have use of some awesome trails--that I only use when it is light out. I also have a wonderful standby at their house: the treadmill. Link much prefers the outside walks and I can tell that his hankering for a walk was high the past two days.  Little pest.

One other great thing about being up my parents' house is that it is very close to my doctors--as in, all of my doctors. This is a good thing because I will be calling one of the doc's office and being ready should they have an opening. Hell, I may just show up and pray for an opening; it would not be the first time since I have been the pest in the waiting room.

And now pooch is letting me know that bedtime is soon. And my body is seconding command.
This is about how far I can free write right now. So you will get the this tiny post-ette fun. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

He Has Learned

Thanks to me exercising daily, the dog has learned a new trick. He points to his leash when he thinks he wants a walk. When I pick up the leash he gets hyper and happy and wiggling. The only other thing he loves more than a walk is going for a ride.

If he sees me putting on my tennis shoes he starts whining and turning circles in anticipation of a walk--even if I am just putting on shoes to go take out the trash. He will sit and wiggle at me, telling me to get ready faster.

My  furry friend cheers me on, even if I just want to do is curl up on my chair and sleep. So far we have walked (and swimmed) our way to exercising once a day for the last seven weeks. No days missed.

By now I think that the exercise is second nature for me. I may not get in much but I still do it.

Last time I lost a lot of weight I didn't even bother exercising. That was when I could barely hobble around the house. I was on crutches pretty every day.

I learned from that journey that I could lose weight without exercising. (On the other hand, I was still fairly active, just not my lower body.) That stayed with me even when I was slim, no amount of exercising can outdo food consumption. Both then and now, portion control is really hard. My food scale is both my friend and my enemy.

This time around the exercise is there and I will have more muscles to even out my body. Who knows, maybe I can jog at some point! (Hah! that is rather unlikely with my joints). Between walking and swimming I have a pretty good use of muscle building aerobic exercise.(I do some strength training, but not as much as I probably should.)

All said and done, the pooch is a great motivator to get me up and moving and I intend to keep at the exercise. (My walks have been invaded by Pokemon... it works better for me that listening to music!)

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Old Stomping Grounds

Between 2008 and early 2013 we spent every two to four weeks in San Francisco. When my husband was having chemo we stayed there for four weeks, with weekends out with family in East Bay. It was stressful because my husband was weak and sick due the radiation treatment and healing up from his first surgery.

We came to know the people in the area. The hotels we stayed at (two nearby the hospial) were always kind and tried to accommodate us and our crazy schedules.The downtown Marriot even helped us out during chemo--two weeks at little cost.

The Turkish market down the street made the most mind blowing coffee I have ever tasted before. He knew me by name and started up a cup as soon as he saw me. There was usually someone playing a doumbek drum or people playing chess in the store. It was the local hangout.

I miss the food. The variety of fruit and vegetables mean that most of the places we visited had real food in their recipes. My two favorite restaurants were side by side U C Sushi (named because it was only a block from UCSF medical center. The other place, right next door, was a little Indian place that had the best chai--all you care to drink, .Nan flowed like a river to your table.

I miss the people. Unlike other big cities I have been in, San Francisco has some of the nicest and tolerant people that I have ever met. Yes, I only saw a small portion of SF but I always loved coming. Even in crowded busses and trains people would find a spot to squeeze in closer and apologized if someone's foot got walked on. (This was a shocker after going to DC where everyone kept their heads down and never dared to make eye contact with anyone else.)

I miss the people. So many families helped us out between transportation, lodging, food, and a friendly shoulder to cry on. I don't think that any of them were blood relatives, besides my brother--thanks for the loan of your truck! My inlaws used to lived nearby and had lots of contacts that were glad to help.

The doctors were always courteous and supportive, even when news got bad. The hospital staff were always ready to help and made the entire process go much smoother than in any other hospital center I have been to. They seemed to actually enjoy helping others, even when the people they help are dazed and confused (they helped me make sure everything was as stress free for the weeks of my husband's surgeries and scans).

I miss our little trips--usually private planes flown by volunteers. No security lines, no checked baggage, just fly and get there then hop onto transit to get out to the appointments. AngelFlight was a godsend for us, especially when my husband or I were having bad days.

I miss all of San Francisco, at least the parts we were in.If I could afford a place there it would be my dream to live down in that little part of town, but that isn't going to happen any time soon.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Just Say No

I have a really hard time saying no. I feel like I don't deserve to take away from other people's time and energy by saying no--even if I am the one it inconveniences. Last night I was talking to my next door neighbors. I know they are not well off to say the least, so I do try to help them out.

Yesterday night they were walking around my house (the quickest way to their house from the road--I get it) when I popped out the door to say hi. They seemed surprised to see me out there with them.  My something-ain't-right feeling was on last night. They asked for help hooking up their ChromeCast, but didn't have internet. They asked me if I would share my internet with them--Jason would have rolled over in his grave if I said yes. I had to say no--too much of a security risk.

There are many times that have been able to say yes, but last night I just couldn't. Last night I did get him the monthly money to pay for his taking care of my yard. I would share more with them, but, to be quite frank, I don't trust them--especially his girlfriend. Part of me is a little afraid of them and their past run-ins with the cops. But I also know that they are good people.

So why did I say no?

The biggest reason: I don't want them to think that I will give free rein to anything they ask. The second, and smaller, reason is that I don't want unsecured internet all tied up and as when I need it. My local internet is slow...occasionally painfully slow, so I didn't want to mess that up. My husband would have rolled over in his grave it I let other people on my secured internet. But the biggie was the statement that, in no uncertain terms, they can't run over me. Not quite that much.

So then, why did I not say no earlier?

Fear. I know that the two have had many dealings with the cops. He used to grow a large patch of weed, but stopped after his little brother got killed in a deal. I know that him stopping was real since the old trailer that was his growing area is now inhabited by other people (as well as the smoke no longer sending me into fits of asthma.. She has had many fights and thefts that landed her in jail--a lot of the money he gets goes to bailing her out of jail. So yeah, fear.

Do I like them? Yes. Will I help them more? Yup, just not when it affects me in the long run. Food and cold drinks? Hell yeah! A fan when they were stuck in 100s, sure, but I don't expect it to return to me. anything I loan. I expect items that I share to not return or be shared among many other people before (maybe) returning home. But the internet, for security and I just won't do it.

I still hate telling people no. That probably will not change. I think that I am doing something wrong every time I say no to a request. Saying no, even if it will inconvenience or cost me something, is just not in my normal course. I am working on it.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Checking off the List

My house has been one long reconstruction project. Today I woke up to yesterday's hard work. The living room was last night's project. This project is hard for me since it was one of the last things that Jason and I worked on together. It is time. The only things left for that room are trim along the floor and something to cover that floor.

Interesting to me is how connected I was to the project. The last year he was alive we had a long list of things to do around the house. About halfway through the year we had help from all sorts of family--we had help in shifts--it was amazing! But there were still things to do--as a matter of fact, there still are things to do.

There is something sad about getting these things done, rather than just looking at the familiar half-way done progress. Fixing things on the house is very tough for me and, in most cases I would rather someone else do the hands on. Yesterday I put in my little share of the work and, thanks to my awesome dad, the ceiling and walls are all done in the middle room. It only took me four years to fix it up.

Four years

That is quite a long time to keep avoiding a house renovation. I just don't think rationally when it comes to these to these projects, even though I should at least put in real thought into what is going on. Fixing takes away a memory of my husband, even though I know that the renovation can't stay unfinished. Days like this where I wake up to seeing a finished area of the house just makes me break down. I was already in tears last night before I finally zonked out. Tears from a coat of paint.

But yesterday was not bad. It didn't even hit that the room was fixed until long after my dad left. He taught me new secrets on how to paint well as well as how to smooth out rough edges in sheetrock. It was a good day. The night just stunk from Brainz. But brainz are better after sleep.  Right?

Saturday, August 20, 2016

No Scale Headway. Again.

I know that this is a repeat message, but I have to get it out of my system: my metabolism hates me. Another week of no measureable weight change. I am hoping that, like last time, this means that there is a large drop in my future.  I have to keep up that hope.

I wish that I could get a steady loss. I know that is not going to happen. I can still wish.

Since I have been getting back into eating normal sized foods I am scaling back the Nutrisystem foods. That decision was even easier since they raised the price on my plan. Now I have a 20 day (rather than 30ish) plan for half the cost. I find it frustrating that they don't show the alternate plans on their website. I had to go through their chat line to find out about the plans. Frustrating, but done.

It has been around a month that I have gotten in some exercise during the day. I call that a success. It is getting more difficult to get up the gumption to put on my shoes and walk or get out and swim. I wish that I could do some jogging, or even run at some point. Right now I am doing well to do get in a mile or two of walking, or thirty to forty-five minutes swimming. A month is a good time to see how a habit can be instilled in my brain. I feel wrong when I don't  move--I get restless.

I know that the scale will move, I just want it to move now! My clothes have stopped feeling looser. I want more. I want to be off of meds that cause weight gain. Unfortunately I have found that I don't function well without meds in addition to other therapy. Bah!

Between the exercise and fluctuation in brainz I have less motivation to do other things at my house. Playing with the dog (who loves to walk, so he isn't too sad), doing dishes, cleaning out the fridge. Luckily, I have people to prod me when I am down and tether me close to the ground when I am truly manic. Thank you guys!

Friday, August 19, 2016

Can't Write--Brainz Will Eat Me

Yup. Three days since a post.  Why? Busy with doc visits, family, and lots of excuses not to write.  Excuses mostly. I did, however, keep up my exercise while I fell off the writing road. Dog is pleased with this regimen and now instantly wiggles over to me and sits (while still wiggling) to be leashed up. He loves his walks.

I wish that people at home would leash their dogs, especially with how many of the loose dogs are not happy with other dogs. There is an entire block I skim around because of a very big and very aggressive dog chained in front of the house.  The tiny terrors I worry about more. There is a tiny football of a chihuahua on the main road that I occasion have to stare down at him and shoo him away--Link is afraid of the little runt; I am not. The giant pit bull that tried to eat both Link and me left me with the idea to keep far away from that dog. However, today's walk was uneventful, just like I like it.

In diet fun, I made a trivial comment to one of the workers at Nutrisystem, trying to find a way to lessen the cost. I found a plan that was half the cost of what they originally quoted, all for eating a few of my own meals--which I already do. These plans are only showed as an option after talking to a representative or click the right buttons when delaying an order (I have delayed twice so far). This is a form of false advertising by withholding other options to purchase. Yet, even with the sneaky marketing, I will be continuing the Nutrisystem--just for less money.

I can't quite wrap my head around weight loss. Not my loss at least.  Some people have five to ten pounds to lose for their happiness. I have lost thirteen so far, but it feels like nothing for me. Even hefting the ten pounds of sugar hasn't blown my mind yet.

No longer on a high, life has a tendency to drop out from me. Here is hoping that the dog keeps me moving, the other dogs stay safe, and the weight loss keeps going.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Go Take a Hike

I have managed to get in exercise every day for the last six weeks! Every. Day. Sometimes it is only twenty minutes, but other times it is up to an hour.

Pooch lets me know that it is time to go for a walk, staring at me and dancing around whenever I pass by my walking shoes. He has also started to watch me like a hawk when I pass by his leash. Good boy!  He basically tells me that it is time to go for a hike.

Thanks to a combination of dog, pedometer, and Pokemon, I have quite the motivations. So why is it so darn hard to keep up the streak? I think I am past the learning curve since it should be automatic by now.  But it isn't. It would be so much easier to just sit in my chair and never step out of the house all day. But that isn't going to happen.

In the past week I lost a pound. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that the scale is not moving up. I just wish that it would move a little faster. Between exercise and diet I think I should be losing faster. Then I start to think that being overweight is easier than getting healthy. Down the rabbit hole I go.

Next up is when I think it is going too slow. I decide that it is a great time to start on not eating. Not smart. Not smart at all. Last time I tried that I was about a week in and had lost over five pounds. Then friends and family noticed what was happening. Their concern clicked me out of the cycle. Then I promptly gained back everything I had lost, and more.

I have trouble separating emotions from food. It is not and excuse, just an observation.  Now that I have good motivation and am watching my food intake losing is an option, not just gaining. To quote my doc this last time, "Congratulations and keep up the good work." She knows just how much weight the medicines can pack on.

So I keep up the walking and swimming, like it or not. The dog keeps me moving, like it or not. I can tell the laziness to go take a hike.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Productive... or not

I was at 217.5 pounds this morning! But I am caught between three options:

First, I like having meals always have food while on the Nutrisysem --not cooking gives me more time to do others.
Second, I like to cook and bake and that causes me to overeat (fresh bread, cookies).
Third option is to do both number one and two.

Three weeks a go I was planning to only use the real food by month three. But now that I realize how well it is working  and I am leaning more on the NS food. When I eat out I choose foods that do not mess up my diet. Want dessert? Either skip it, replacing it with fruit, or split it and just have a couple of bites (A good reason to eat with others, but still dangerous).

Now that I am a little more familiar foods on the list of choices I am coming to enjoy the meals. The breakfast options are great! But I know that the plan only lasts as long as I want to lose weight--half the battle is making sure that the weight stays off--something that I already have been practicing (again).

So the choice is the third option and keep plodding along with exercise and eating reasonably well. It is obviously the easiest right now while I get medication moved around since I can get really munchy when my brainz are telling me that I should eat everything in sight.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Dog Walking Me

1200 calories (or Kcal if you prefer), that is what my food intake should be around every day. Boy does that go really fast if I am not watching myself, especially when eating out. Since I am still having a hard time portion controlling through the day I am continuing the Nutrisystem food for another week, even though I am doing okay without it. I still need another run to give me options when I don't want to cook or eat. So I will happily toss in the cash if it means that this extra flub keeps shrinking.

I need to start cooking more, just because I love to cook. If I can do that while on the plan I can, eventually I can learn how to make small meals instead of a spread for an army! I used to know how to do that when Jason was with me, so I am sure that I can do it again..

I'm still writing down every thing I eat for accountability, as well as walking and swimming. Yesterday I didn't do an official walk, but instead of playing slots I played catch the Pokemon. It worked pretty well too, considering that it was inside of a steel building.

Link is not happy when I don't take him for a walk, especially after I have been swimming, because he sees me leave the house in my walking shoes--that is supposed to be the time for a walk. When I put him outside he tries to be cute at me. When I put him in his cage he plops down with the loudest,and most pathetic sigh. So he guilt trips me into a walk instead of swimming or a long walk with him. Dang dog and his powers of cuteness! Right now he has claimed my feet so that I can't escape my sitting spot without his knowledge.

We will see if my future job comes through, and if I can still do all the exercise I have been doing. First step is to secure the job before worrying.

So I run problem at at time. One day at a time. One walk at a time. One meal at a time.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Three hundred dollar tomatoes

I keep wishing for rain, but not too much at a time. Up north of me got pelted by hail and torrential rain. I can do without the hail part of that time.

I. Hate. Hail.

Every time I start to hear hail I start holding my breath. Ever since 2005 I have hated hail. We got attacked by softball-sized hail for about five to ten minutes of destruction. Now I mostly just fear for my garden.

This year I even got corn off of of the plants. The tomatoes are persistent and refuse to let the sun and dry air wither them. I love having my garden I just wish I didn't have to use as much water as I have this year. But the veggies are growing well and the pomegranates are growing well, despite not having any fruit this year. Sixth year must be the charm.

 Bur I am in the desert and high altitude to boot. So why do I persist in growing things in the land of no water? The simple answer is that I prefer fresh grown vegetables and they don't get much fresher.

But when I look a little closer as to why I garden I get to the truth: I do it because I love it. I love getting my hands into fresh dirt. I love the weeding and care required to make the food grow. I love taking in my produce.  I revel in the work of gardening, and the (sometime true) fruits  of my labor.

But  there is a downside: water, or lack  thereof.

I spent so much water in the past month that that the water company called to make sure I didn't have a leak in the system. I will have to be more responsible from now on. My garden will just have to be a little less watered, or use just a few plots instead of all four.

I love my garden.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


That sums up my day. Okay, today we start withe this

It took a long time to get and stay asleep. After yesterday when t hit my snooze button and, an hour later, woke up with my shoulder being stabbed--or, if you prefer, hot metal burning from inside. Failing to fend off an attacker with a hot poker, I settled for a couple of pain killers and some ice, which will be repeating as necessary (or interchanged with each other).

I give it a week to get better before I worry about a doc for this yet.

But, it does make swimming and walking difficult. (I can do either, but swimming can be less weight bearing than other forms.) I am I don't get focused on beating myself all it should go well. I have to remind myself regularly that I do not need to get everything AND not every thing needs done right now (or redone because I got it done while manic.)

Besides being able to clean and putter about, I can use the time to more useless pursuits. Some examples: cleaning and throwing out anything that I might regret, buying things I don't need online, typing a new book or get another.

So how do I feel today? Right now? Frustrated in pain. Come on, pills, just WORK. This not partially how I  would like to spend my time.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Family Camping

You can't pick your parents, but you can pick your friends. You can also let your friends into your family. I have many people , including my blood family, that I can thank for keeping me sane and pushing me to do my best.

Friends have more power though. They have seen me at intense highs and extreme lows, yet they stay with me. They have no familial requirements like genetic family--which makes me smile. I have had some that have helped channel manic energy into productive things like cleaning, doing yard work, or just sitting around watching bad tv shows. I also have friends that have comforted me when I am depressed, and occasionally kick me in the arse to take action. I like that combination.

When friends become family you know you're on the right track.

This weekend has been great, despite a little rain on my tent. Everybody took care of everyone else. We all helped friends unpack and set up, then pack up and leave the site clean. That is how friends are. That is how this works. I may see some of the group only once a year, yet that familiarity  stays put. When we adopt another person into the group we dive right in and help them too.

Where was I? Down in Ruidoso, NM with around 100 or 150 people, most of which I have never met. What was I doing down there? I was at a Society for Creative Anachronism gathering. If you have never heard of the group then you are missing out!  We all camp and take great pleasure in bringing the medieval world to life. Costumes, bags, boots, and tents (well, there are some people who have period tents, but most of us use a regular old tent). From peasants to royalty, there is something for everyone.Think of it as a renaissance fair, but all the attendees are in on the pretending.

And yes, there is fighting: big rattan sticks wrapped up in duct tape and plywood or metal shields, fencing blades, bows, and siege weapons. But there is also a lot for people who do not wish to come back with bruises. There are classes on everything from how to sew a hat, how to make candles, and blacksmithing  Nobody gets snooty about who has "correct" costuming, and normally there are people who will let new players with extra clothing. That way everyone can participate and belong.

Apparently news of our little group of campers has spread as being a good spot to stop for a good laugh or singing circle. Well, this year we took the singing to the dry area under the group camping shelters.This last time we were registered in what they call a siege cooking tournament--like "Chopped" but you get all your ingredients at once and have three hours to make an assortment of tasty treats. We came together to help out as much as possible and put together a positively awesome spread of goodies. Everyone chipped in on the cooking, raiding our coolers and dry goods to add to the dinner. We won. For the second year in a row! Our itty bitty camping group beat out some stiff competition.

I like going to events like this one, not too many people, lots of room to spread out, and absolutely no deadlines (unless you ask for them, like in the cooking competition).

This weekend reminded me that I have more friends that I thought, friends who will help out if I just ask...or even if I didn't ask. I love my blood family, but I also love my adopted family too!

Friday, August 5, 2016

Keeping it Real

I am having results on the Nutriststen program and I am getting to like not having to cook when I am tired. But I am missing real food.

I have found a compromise. Each day I make sure to have one meal that is not part of the system. Eating out has become easy again now that I am back to estimating portions accurately. For instance, today I ate out twice, but I was able to make a reasonable choice and pare down/package up food accordingly.

The ready-to-eat Nutrisystem is convenient. That is its main purpose--to make sure that eating does not lead to mindless snacking. The tracking system that they use is pretty accurate; not great, but better than having to jot things down. (I also use my free SparkPeople tracker to get a little more specific calorie count.) The options for several small meals means that I can either eat small meals or save up the calories to eat a larger meal at a later time.

I don't know how much I am going to rely on the delivery food, but having it ready to go means that I eat a little more healthy than otherwise--mostly in varieties of lunches and dinner. I am not claiming that they have a ton of options, but there are enough to rotate through every week or two. Lunches are easy so long as I have eggs in the house--hell, I love eggs for dinner and breakfast.

I have to watch myself and have more fruit and veggies rather than basic bread, eggs, yogurt and cheese. If I can get them in the front of the fridge or out on the counter I am more likely to eat the healthier items along with the old favorites. There is nothing wrong with the basics, but I do need to have some fresh stuff tossed in there somewhere. Nutrisystem only seems to push vegetables rather than fruits, but I tend to add in more whole fruit than in the Nutrisystem plan. Veggies, on the other side, are completely free--not counted toward your calorie intake--so they are almost impossible to dodge. Luckily I like veggies to begin with so long as they are easy to grab and go.

The quick of it: I am not too sure right now of whether I will keep the prepackaged foods. Nutrisystem is working for me outside of it not being home cooked food, and I need to make sure that I eat better while eating outside of the plan boundaries.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

My Clothes Feel Funny

Yup, the clothes are officially fitting better. All it took was 11 pounds. Now some people say they are fat when they are ten pounds overweight--I consider that a minor detail even though it means going up a size or two. I didn't used to feel this way. Once I was down to a healthy weight I had a ten pound range that I hovered at. I used to feel sad when I was on the edge of that range.

But now it is different. Now I look at weight loss with a long range goal--a very large goal. That is what happens when a very large women has a lot to lose. I am still grappling with the idea of slow and steady but I know that is the only way to lose weight safely and keep if off (been there, done that). This is not a quick solution.

I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that I can only lose one to two pounds per week, and that is not including weeks where nothing moves at all. I expect a higher goal for myself than for the average person. This doesn't really work in my mental favor. The average is there for a reason, I should expect average,I can celebrate when I am on the high end of loss and try better when I an on the low end.

I can feel how my clothes lay and move and tell when I am successful. Like today: I tried on a bra that didn't fit ten pounds ago. It fits. I can wear some of my other clothes. For now, all the clothes I had at 230 still fit at 218 and I will have to wait till I can fit into some of my cuter clothes. I can see it; I can feel myself getting slimmer. I even saw the outline of my cheek bones for the first time in over a year.

I like this and hope that the weight keeps going away.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Life is a Road Under Construction

They say life is a long road to haul. If that is the case, then our trials are potholes and road construction.

We can try to drive around the potholes, swerving and reorienting to get where we need to go. Or, we can hit them head on and hope that it doesn't do much damage. We hit road construction and sometimes have to wait to get what we want or take a detour--long or short--to get where we need to go.

Sometimes life is a smooth straight road; safe, but monotonous. Other times it is twisty turny with a sharp dropoff at the ledge. When we were young, most of us had guardrails to keep us along the straight or curvy roads. Adulthood hits and those guardrails are gone. What may have been a speeding bullet of a drive as a kid now becomes a white-knuckle drive on a mountain road.

We can choose which roads we travel, usually, unless detour comes and shoves us off of our safe straight road. The changes can sometimes bee seen far off--lots of warning signs before the construction. Other times you hit the orange-barrel mess without the least bit of warning.

Go through or go around. If you had a choice, take the detour or stay the course through the construction, which would you take? Depends. Can you see the end of the construction in the distance? Does the detour look smooth and short? Sometimes the decision is simple, but many times there is no simple answer.

The biggest thing to realize is the are no wrong answers. You take which road you get and you keep on driving. Yes, there may be times where you take the long or the dangerous road, but you are still moving along.

Don't park. There may be times that you want to stop, but don't. You stagnate, holding on to visions of past roads, while never looking ahead to what new road is before you. You park and you can get run over--awash in depression and without hope of future travels. Sometimes you may need to stop briefly and take in your options of roads, but don't wait too long.

Don't speed. There are cops out there: your body can be in overdrive only so long. Speeding takes away from life's pleasures. On the other hand, it may be tempting to speed over detours or through construction, but then you won't see the potholes till it is too late!

So keep on driving, watch out for potholes and choose your routes carefully, but don't take too much time deciding.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Time Management--or not

Yesterday was what some would deem a complete and utter waste of time.

I say otherwise.

In the morning I got up before my alarm and had breakfast like a normal person. I took my meds like a good little girl and did a little more packing for the weekend. Then I started in on editing the book. That is where it started to go awry. I think I stopped once to let the dog out in all of four or five hours. After getting up to take care of the dog and myself I realized that I hadn't eaten in a long time. I wasn't hungry, but knew I should eat--so I did.

Next up: the video game, in this instance "The Witcher 3". AKA complete waste of time. But it was ENJOYABLE time; that is what matters. Except that I did the same thing as when I was editing--four hours of nothing but a dog break. Then dinner.

Then I walked till my joints were sore--not very long today, but long enough to get in some exercise. (This could be considered a non-waste of time)

That was my entire day yesterday.

But video games and writing are not the only times that I binge on activity.
cleaning (because I let it pile up first),
packing (so I  avoid the "You forgot the WHAT?" tent poles),
walking (till my feet and knees are sore), and
gardening (till I can't move)
reading (just one more page)

Is this healthy? Probably not. Is my method of getting things done going to change? Nope. It works. If something interrupts me mid-binge it can trigger one of two things: aggravation at having been interrupted, or complete deflation of the binge and return to normal.

The break for dinner let me recoup my brains and realize that the temperature was only around 80 so I could go for a walk before more rain set in (which never really came, at least not while I was awake). I could only do about 1.4 miles today, but that was plenty to get my joints unhappy with me.

Yesterday was about binges, and how I use them to my advantage--or disadvantage. Luckily none of these binges included food!

Monday, August 1, 2016


Food has always meant love to me. Family gathering? Food. Church function? Food. Something go right? Food. Something go wrong? Food.

That connection has caused me trouble over the years, especially when stressed. Food was comfort. Note how I said "was comfort," rather than "is comfort." I am working on separating my emotions from my food. Still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

So what is my type of food? Ideally, fresh veggies, beans, and meats (usually venison) in stews, sauces, and curries. I am pretty adventurous with my eating though, so I will try anything once. Maybe only once, but I will try it. I like to read my cookbooks as if they were novels.

I have a garden, such as it is. I had enough turnips to keep me busy mashing them and using them in stews. Lettuce galore while it was still cool. Now I have enough tomatoes for daily salads or munching out of hand. I had my very first harvest of corn after five years of trying to grow it! But none of the vines have produced anything because it is too hot to set fruit. I love eating from my garden, but there is never enough for me, so I end up at the supermarket or--when I am not too lazy--from the farmers' market.

Then there is the baking. I love to bake--pies, cookies, bread, pastries--all of it. That is a dangerous hobby. I have to make sure that when I bake there are other people to eat most of the goodies, or I will freeze some of them. The only problem with saving goodies in the freezer is that they are there, watching me, calling to me.

So now that I am on a rather restricted diet, well, more of a lessened portions diet, it will be difficult for me to get used to changing my hobby over to healthier pursuits. Baking is not out, merely different. For instance: substituting whole wheat flour into my breads, using whole fruit instead of preserves, nixing pastry dough or using only half of the regular recipe. It is something that I will, of course, have to practice--on a smaller batch scale if possible.

I can still cook my old standbys--most of the dinners I cook regularly are low in calories and high in protein--I just need to watch my portions. I will be focusing on favoring tomato based curries instead of coconut based versions and using smaller portions of whole wheat pastas or brown rice instead of their processed white cousins.

Now that I have rambled my way through food, know this, my relationship to food is changing--by necessity.