The Hardest Decision of My Life

On this day, nine years ago, Jason and I made the hardest decision either of us would ever make--to end his cancer treatment and begin hospice care instead of curative care. At the time, we both knew the prognosis going into the doctor's office, though we hadn't officially received the bad news yet that his cancer had progressed irreversibly and quickly. I still remember going into the office, with him smiling and laughing, despite the seriousness of our visit. 

Were there tears? Oh yes. But we knew. And I certainly hope that I will never have to face another decision like that in the rest of my life. 

Every year this day is a hard for me. Days now through mid-April tend to be difficult as well, to various extents, but it seems to be getting easier with passing years with some being better than others. Last year? and 2020? Well, my brain had other things to worry about. Who knows about 2022.

 

One Last Flight 

So what's with the plane? In the last couple years of our journey we were able to get free flights from Angel Flight West from private pilots. This was our very last leg that we ever made .(The plane had a parachute!) We were so very lucky to have found this service. It was not only free, but it was also much safer for Jason than flying commercial airlines with his lowered immune system. I owe so much to these people who helped us over the years.

Road to Nowhere

Around and Aound We Go

Apparently I have been self-sabotaging myself over the past four weeks and driving in mental circles. The RA is threatening to come back. I've also been incredibly withdrawn. Not good indicators for the state of brainz. But at least one of the stressors is taken care of--no more worry about missing work or not healing well. So why am I still in a funk? Good darn question. Work is stressful and upped the stress over the past week, so that is partly to blame. Other than that and my constant struggle with my weight, there's not much to worry about. Yet I'm not where I want to be. And keep spinning my wheels around and around in place. 

What am I doing about it? Listing down everything I can think of, both good and bad, that is in the mix right now. Knowing where I have been and what could/should happen shortly is a good way to put it into perspective. For some reason just thinking about it doesn't work as well as a physical list.

On to a better story on the road, I had a repair that needed done by the Subaru garage. They fixed one part then told me that all four of my tire sensors needed replaced and calibrated--to the tune of $785 and a wait to get in the parts. I made a quick call to my local tire shop and got quoted $60 per tire, install included and same-day service. I promptly refused the official garage's offer to get price gouged and went on my merry way. As it turns out, only two of the sensors were dead. Two. I spent $120 for the whole thing. The garage, the lead owner, and Subaru headquarters are going to get a loudly phrased complaint from me for fraudulent business practices. Go go gadget BS meter! I might be a wee bit ticked about the situation.

So the road has led me to look at my situation a little closer and try to pin down exactly what is causing the problems health wise. Work will eventually level off. The garage will be taken care of shortly. Life hopefully come to a nice straight highway to travel. Till the next speed bump.

Stress is a *itch

Yup. It is amazing how much stress can do to a body.

I can haz snacks?

What I thought was an arthritis flare calmed down the day after the surgery, but let's face it, I was forced to take it easy and sleep a lot. It was a sort of restart for my body, despite the Swiss cheese of my innards. My brains still are adjusting and flip flopping between caring about everything and sheer apathy for all things. No real rhyme or reason, other than that I am healing and that takes energy.

Add in more stress and over the last three weeks I have gained almost ten pounds from sheer dealing with stress and only so much energy to spend on other things that Just Needed Done. Now I'm tracking the foods again and watching my portion sizes. The biggie is checking myself in the evening for mindless eating due to pain/sleepiness.

So I'm back at home and enjoying the TV under my control and quiet when I like it. Currently Battlebots. Dog is, of course, already in withdrawal from lack of Dad's lap and pouting on his couch. No constant touch all day and he has to *gasp* not play as much! Sweet sweet home ownership with no roommates (and now no lousy neighbors). Except the dog, who I can lock up in a kennel with a muzzle and nobody would call protective services. Not that I do, but I could. (Eh, he likes his kennel anyway).

With 60+ gallstones, some over .5 cm, gone from my body I don't have to worry about midnight wake-up calls of pain. So far no side effects, but I have been careful to keep it that way. Only four dots on my belly from surgery and those are healing nicely. One nice thing about having a female surgeon is that she specifically avoided the bra line in her incisions. Good doc. I'm keeping my fat down on food for a while, since apparently high fat meals (and caffeine) can cause some serious discomfort. Nothing like before, but still unpleasant. I'll behave momentarily. If I have to. I guess. Lots of cooking, which I like to do anyway.

And now I think it's time for some more tea--caffeine free, of course. But I miss my chai :(

On the Mend

I've been healing up since my surgery on Thursday. I had a pouch full of shiny stones that they got out of my system--quite the collection as it turned out. They almost had to go in with a full incision, and boy am I happy they didn't have to do that! So I'm at the parental units' house mending. Mom has made two batches of bread, one French bread and one whole wheat. I think the majority of my calories for the past several days has come from jam and bread! But it's fat free, which is the requirement for my food for the week. I'll start adding in heavier foods next week and see how much I can press my luck.

I feel perfectly fine for a few hours in morning, and I can push myself to do things outside of my body's comfort zone, like to do my daily walk. But then I'm dead. It may have just been laparoscopic surgery, but they still had to root around in there and cause damage. Convincing my brain of this, however, is sometimes rather difficult!

I've this week off of work, which sometimes seems silly, like in the mornings, then seems rather like a good idea as the day goes on. Could I go in? Sure. Would I be useful? Nope. I got some work done from the house and managed to flub it but good on the first round. This is why I have quality control people on the project. 

Finally, I will manage to end up at my own house Thursday afternoon. I will. I have things that need done and YouTube to watch from the couch. Including yelling at the new treadmill's software company for bricking my machine. Automated responses are getting old for the same non-changed issue.

Everything is FINE

And I'm FINE. The stresses that I have been shoving into a hole and standing on to keep them from escaping are slowly creeping out. I'd been really good about telling myself that everything is under control and all is well. It's FINE. I'm FINE. 

I'm not so fine.

But I'm not going off the deep end either, which is a testament to some of my coping mechanisms. I am, however, cracking around the proverbial edges. Stress can do some interesting things to a body. I'm really hoping that my arthritis is not coming back and that it is just a fluke that my joints are acting up. I don't want to go back on yet more pills. Self-destructive behavior is in full force. Heck, I ate exactly what I wanted yesterday--and ended up in the land of gallbladder hell for it. I've been and will eat all I want up through the surgery, gallbladder be damned. Not healthy, but so far I haven't gained weight. I will if I keep this up, but so far it is a wash. The recovery process should drop that calorie intake down but good.

Three days. I have more prep that needs done before this. Should be a quick recovery, so that is good, but I want to be prepared if it does take me a little longer to get up and running given how my body is acting right now.

I bought Animal Crossing since I have almost beaten Zelda. And now my hands don't want to work to play! At least I can type for now since it doesn't use my wrists as much. At least the downtime will give me time to edit my book. There may be a bunch of posts in my future. I apologize. Or maybe I don't. 

4 Steps to My Work in Progress

It was...a year. 2020 round two in many ways. But I did manage to pull some learning opportunities out of it. 

4. I can temper my emotions with questions and introspection to regulate my reactions. 

I'm officially better at letting certain topics (like politics and religion) run off my back if it is going to take too much more energy to contradict someone than to just take care of myself. There are only so many cares in a day and, as my great-great-grandmother used to say, "Convince a fool against his will and he'll remain of the same mind still." That doesn't mean that I can't hold a good conversation on these topics, it is just giving myself permission to not take (or dodge, if necessary) every bait dangled before me.

3. Inaction is still a reaction. 

I'm constantly drilling this into myself, but my most frequent reaction to problems is not to tear into one side or the other, but rather to sit on my hands and stare at both options until either, A: the problem passes, or B: something bad enough happens to get me to move one way or the other. Hopefully it isn't too late to salvage whatever choice I looked back on as 'correct'.

2. Blaming others, while easy, isn't always the answer.

Example: Eating healthily

I put the food in my mouth in the amounts that I choose. Nobody else. Yes, they have voices in what we eat for dinner, but ultimately it is my choice. No matter how much healthy food I buy on the weekend it is only as good as my will/won't  power. I have been looking all over for something or someone to blame for my most recent funk in healthy eating. Depression? Yes, but that goes both ways. (depressed so I eat lousily, which makes me depressed, etc.) Cycles are just that, cyclical. But there is a way to break that, or there often is. Mine? Surgery. No unhealthy eating for at least the next two weeks after the procedure and probably not a lot of junk for the next few months out from there. One circle-breaking event. And my choice chancing making myself miserable with my food choices up until the procedure, just to get it out of my craving system.

1. My mind. My body. My...work in progress

I'm constantly changing. Heck, we all are. It's part of being human. I'm getting a little better with my accountability as time goes on. Kicking and screaming, mind you, but better nonetheless. Up for 2022: accepting that no food is good or bad, but that they may have effects on my body that I would rather not deal with. Now I just need to learn to play for the long game on my exercise and eating so that I can make my joints happier!

*&^% Just Got Real

Surgery. One. Week. A week. 6 days to be exact. Does not compute.

The rundown:

Specialist: 1 month instead of 3 months
Surgeon: 2 weeks instead of 4 months
Surgery: 6 days instead of who knows how long

My jaw dropped when the surgeon not only didn't just pat me on the head and tell me to lose weight, but listened to my concerns (or my enthusiasm really) about the surgery. Well spent half hour.

So now I get to scramble to find my laptop table and get some things together over the weekend. Should be a breeze if previous laparoscopic surgeries are anything similar. Dad's home so he can take care of things and keep the pooch entertained--let's face it: Dad has the favorite lap...for all 55lbs of dog.

Work is being held over for me with the basics being taken care of (we do like to make sure we get money in the coffers) and I can do other things from the house. I will be coming back to a pile of work when I return, but that's okay if it means that I can reliably sleep without fear of pain and sickness. 

I had no idea when I started this that I would progress so quickly through the medical red tape. I got lucky. People apparently are not wanting to get care right now and I am reaping the benefits. Since everyone is tested before surgery, I am comfortable in the waiting room and surgery. And here is hoping that I don't contract COVID-19 in the next week...six days.