Just how did I meet my husband? I was clueless to his advances, despite his impressive skills at massage that he shared with me. So I remember well when I met him in my eyes. Not when I knew he had a Thing for me, just who he was.
Back in 2005 I was belly dancing, living on a good healthy diet, and walking everywhere on my college campus (which, admittedly, is small). So in short: I was built. I also was in a couple short acting skits that he was manning lights for. Cue the massages. In hindsight, a normal person would have taken this as being hit upon. Nope. Clueless. But I did look damn good in that cocktail dress I work for one of the skits.
One of my fellow actors invited us both to her house for a gathering which turned into more gatherings and a steady helping of bad movies, good company...and more of those sweet sweet massages.
But I was STILL clueless.
He asked me out once, but I turned him down as I was more focused on classes that were kicking my butt. (Calculus, I'm looking at you.) So we continued the gatherings and, unbeknownst to me, basically started going out with him on accident. Our first 'date' was actually instigated by one of the hosts of the gatherings much later on. At that point I realized that, no really, I was in a Relationship. Which confused me to no end since I never saw it coming. To be exact, I had never really been in a dedicated relationship before, so it was all new territory.
I have turned down quite a few people because I was an incorrigible flirt and had no intention of following through on the flirting. That is just how my friends and I played together. I still don't notice romantic/um...athletic attention, nor do I seek it out. I am quite happy to be a dog mom and ruler of my domain with no intention of changing that fact. Luckily my family is not pushing me to get married again or start up a relationship. They're fine with me as I am.
But one thing I do miss is being more...I don't know...desirable? Yet I don't want the long-term attention, just a little encouragement that I have some attraction from the world. A push to my self-esteem as it were. And that is one reason that I am trying so hard, and sometimes stalling, at working toward a healthier me. Will I ever be in the shape I was when I was rock climbing, walking, belly dancing, and lifting weights? HAH! Nope. That's just too damn much work. But I want to see what I can do with what spoons I have. The gym workouts are happening. The damnable tendon damage and muscle use kicks in 48 hours post-exercising, but it will be worth it if it makes me stronger, more flexible, and--as a side effect--more toned. I want this for me, but there is that part of my mind that really wants it for, lets face it, attention. And I think that's perfectly fine so long as the other reasons come first.
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