Holidays and Long-Term Trauma

Holiday with the Family

It was 2012, Christmastime. Jason and I had just made the hardest decision of our lives: deciding to stop his treatment and begin hospice care. Knowing that it was his last holiday season we decided to see as much family as we could. We flew to out to see both my parents and my brother's family just before Christmas and had a nice visit (though I was sick as a dog when we were there). After that we made a quick hop over to the Mid-West for a visit of all of Jason's family who had assembled for the occasion. It was a homecoming of sorts, as I had first met all of my in-laws at a gathering in this same place in 2005. 

The hardest part of the visits was knowing that this was really a goodbye for Jason. There were no words to be said since nobody knew what to say in this instance other than, "I love you." And that was enough. To be there was the greatest gift, almost five years from his diagnosis, eight from when I had met all of his nice people who I call family. 

It was the time of me realizing how lucky were to have five years together, instead of 11 months. In that time he participated in 4 clinical trials (1 more that he tried but didn't qualify for) that helped the life expectancy of the disease go from that 11 months up to 15 months. It may not sound like much, but I like to think that his generosity (and let's face it, desperation) helped that to happen. Of course, he may have just been an outlier that messed up the curve!

So now when certain times of year crop up, like Christmas, I tend to have bouts of the black clouds in my mind. Some more than others, but this year hit stronger than 2020. Maybe I just had other things to focus on--thank you very much, COVID-19, for providing me a distraction. Or something. That five years was hard. Really hard. But it was worth it. Unfortunately, I was left with a few hiccups from the process. Eh, few, lots, same difference. Now they are cropping up when least (or most) expected.

And now I will focus on remembering the good times, like that Christmas as it really was a good holiday, despite the circumstances. When that doesn't work, I will cry, scream, or zone out at nothing at all until the feelings pass. Ya do what ya gotta do.