Seasons

Winter. Spring. Summer. Fall.

These seasons are well known--unless you live in a place, like my home, has only three seasons: hot, cold, and wind. But times are always changing. About the time you settle in to one season, on comes the next.

Life is like that.

Some people and some times fit into nice little boxes of life seasons, sort of like the game "Life": born, graduate high school or college, get married, have a baby. Other times are more fluid: break a leg, win the lottery, have a breakup. Either way, you find yourself in a comfortable spot--say, being in college--until you suddenly are tossed into another season.

Life is how we deal with the seasons.

Seasons are not weather--the temperature changes in life.Some people welcome change, others fear it. But in some ways we all fear change--those changes that we have no control over. The car accident, the unplanned pregnancy, losing a loved one.

That last change still has me wrapping my head around it.. I knew it was coming--it was a season moving in--but I didn't know what the new season would be like until it happened. You can see seasons on a calendar, but you never really know when they are going to start. Once the season really does start you are left dumbstruck at what to do. "What if there is a snowstorm," becomes, "what do I do now?"

Life is being afraid.

Once one season sets in you are afraid of moving on for fear of what the next season will bring. The thought of jumping back into life becomes terrifying; having children, starting a new relationship, or-starting a new job. You become so afraid that you hold onto the old season so tightly that you don't move on, you just stagnate.

That is where I am now. Stuck. So many things that I could be doing, yet I am frozen in place for fear of another season upsetting my already-tenuous mindset. I am holding on to the weight loss as a coping mechanism to give me something that affects me directly--it is a way to define myself. Charity and good works are great, but they don't fill in for having somewhere to belong, to hold on to.

So I sit, holding on to the past, afraid of the future, and avoiding change however possible. Healthy? Nope. I am working on that. But it is the way it is.