I have a really hard time saying no. I feel like I don't deserve to take away from other people's time and energy by saying no--even if I am the one it inconveniences. Last night I was talking to my next door neighbors. I know they are not well off to say the least, so I do try to help them out.
Yesterday night they were walking around my house (the quickest way to their house from the road--I get it) when I popped out the door to say hi. They seemed surprised to see me out there with them. My something-ain't-right feeling was on last night. They asked for help hooking up their ChromeCast, but didn't have internet. They asked me if I would share my internet with them--Jason would have rolled over in his grave if I said yes. I had to say no--too much of a security risk.
There are many times that have been able to say yes, but last night I just couldn't. Last night I did get him the monthly money to pay for his taking care of my yard. I would share more with them, but, to be quite frank, I don't trust them--especially his girlfriend. Part of me is a little afraid of them and their past run-ins with the cops. But I also know that they are good people.
So why did I say no?
The biggest reason: I don't want them to think that I will give free rein to anything they ask. The second, and smaller, reason is that I don't want unsecured internet all tied up and as when I need it. My local internet is slow...occasionally painfully slow, so I didn't want to mess that up. My husband would have rolled over in his grave it I let other people on my secured internet. But the biggie was the statement that, in no uncertain terms, they can't run over me. Not quite that much.
So then, why did I not say no earlier?
Fear. I know that the two have had many dealings with the cops. He used to grow a large patch of weed, but stopped after his little brother got killed in a deal. I know that him stopping was real since the old trailer that was his growing area is now inhabited by other people (as well as the smoke no longer sending me into fits of asthma.. She has had many fights and thefts that landed her in jail--a lot of the money he gets goes to bailing her out of jail. So yeah, fear.
Do I like them? Yes. Will I help them more? Yup, just not when it affects me in the long run. Food and cold drinks? Hell yeah! A fan when they were stuck in 100s, sure, but I don't expect it to return to me. anything I loan. I expect items that I share to not return or be shared among many other people before (maybe) returning home. But the internet, for security and I just won't do it.
I still hate telling people no. That probably will not change. I think that I am doing something wrong every time I say no to a request. Saying no, even if it will inconvenience or cost me something, is just not in my normal course. I am working on it.